Old Emails

I was cleaning out my email, and I came across an old email I had sent to BIL three days after I found out...


When I called you the other night, I could barely breathe and was trembling through our entire conversation. The anger and hurt that I feel because of this situation are more than any words could ever say, but there are a few things that I didn't have the strength to say on the phone, and this (writing) is the way that I have always felt the most comfortable communicating, so here it goes...

First of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever is that I did or didn't do or said or had or whatever that gave you a reason to hurt me and my family this badly. I'm sorry that you aren't a strong enough person to have come to me before things got this far. I'm sorry you didn't feel good enough about yourself to say no or tell my brother or to acknowledge the feelings of others. I'm sorry that you didn't realize the greatness of the man you're supposed to marry, and I'm sorry that my brother has decided to stay with you.

I'm sorry because you are going to have to go through hell in the next few weeks/months, and I'm sorry that I don't think you can even begin to imagine what you are putting my family through.

I'm sorry you didn't/don't have the things I have. I'm sorry you envied me so much that you literally had to try to take my entire life away from me. I'm sorry that I didn't see you for what you were a long time ago, and I'm sorry that I ever let you get close enough to me and my family for this to happen. I'm sorry for my brother and what you've put him through, and I'm sorry that he doesn't have the strength to leave you behind and start over. I'm sorry that I will have to see you and deal with you on a regular basis, and I'm sorry that you don't really know what it means to be a friend, to be a sister, to be a wife, to be married, to be a fiance, to be a family. None of these roles were real enough for you to say no before it went too far, and I'm sorry it is taking you this experience to realize all that you really did have in front of you.

I'm sorry for my daughter and the shadow this has cast on my feelings about being pregnant, and for the hurt this has caused her mother. I'm sorry for my parents and the anger and frustration they are feeling towards you and Christopher, and I'm sorry that my family has to go through this for Christmas.

I'm sorry that you and I will never be "friends." I'm sorry that I will never be able to trust you again. I'm sorry that this is going to be harder for you than for Jerry. I'm sorry it's so unfair. I'm sorry that you had no respect for me, my home, my marriage, my hard work. I'm sorry that you had no respect for my brother, what he's given up for you, and what he has gone through to be with you. I'm sorry that you had no respect for my parents and what they worked so hard to give us. I'm sorry that you didn't appreciate all that my family has done for you. I'm sorry that no matter what you do, your wedding will never be 100% supported. I'm sorry that you will never know the hurt I feel every single day when I wake up, when I go to bed at night, and when I look out the window at the hot tub, and when I hear certain songs on the radio, and when I remember certain things about you or Jerry or the opportunity you had to hurt me.

I don't know how I'll ever be able to live with this, but for Maddy's sake and for my brother's sake I'm going to try. Just know one thing... I am not doing this for you. I want you to hurt, and I want you to be upset, because no matter how upset or hurt you are it will never come close to what I feel. But, I don't want my family to hurt anymore. As far as I'm concerned, you and I will co-exist for the benefit of my family, no more and no less. Maybe someday, long long long ways down the road, I'll feel differently, but right now I can't even breathe when I see you or hear your voice.

I will be civil to you. I won't be a huge bitch or anything. There is so much more to my life than any of this, and that is what I'm going to focus on. The only thing I want you to do to make this any better/easier/whatever is do whatever you can, whatever is in your power to make my brother happy. That is the only thing you can ever do that will even begin to make things right. I don't care what it takes or what you do - just show us that he isn't making the biggest mistake of his life.

Sorry this is so long, and I'm sorry I didn't have the guts to say all of this over the phone. It was just a lot harder to talk to you than I ever imagined. As long as I stay focused on my own, new family :) and you stay focused on Christopher, things should at least be tolerable