Old Emails

I was cleaning out my email, and I came across an old email I had sent to BIL three days after I found out...


When I called you the other night, I could barely breathe and was trembling through our entire conversation. The anger and hurt that I feel because of this situation are more than any words could ever say, but there are a few things that I didn't have the strength to say on the phone, and this (writing) is the way that I have always felt the most comfortable communicating, so here it goes...

First of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever is that I did or didn't do or said or had or whatever that gave you a reason to hurt me and my family this badly. I'm sorry that you aren't a strong enough person to have come to me before things got this far. I'm sorry you didn't feel good enough about yourself to say no or tell my brother or to acknowledge the feelings of others. I'm sorry that you didn't realize the greatness of the man you're supposed to marry, and I'm sorry that my brother has decided to stay with you.

I'm sorry because you are going to have to go through hell in the next few weeks/months, and I'm sorry that I don't think you can even begin to imagine what you are putting my family through.

I'm sorry you didn't/don't have the things I have. I'm sorry you envied me so much that you literally had to try to take my entire life away from me. I'm sorry that I didn't see you for what you were a long time ago, and I'm sorry that I ever let you get close enough to me and my family for this to happen. I'm sorry for my brother and what you've put him through, and I'm sorry that he doesn't have the strength to leave you behind and start over. I'm sorry that I will have to see you and deal with you on a regular basis, and I'm sorry that you don't really know what it means to be a friend, to be a sister, to be a wife, to be married, to be a fiance, to be a family. None of these roles were real enough for you to say no before it went too far, and I'm sorry it is taking you this experience to realize all that you really did have in front of you.

I'm sorry for my daughter and the shadow this has cast on my feelings about being pregnant, and for the hurt this has caused her mother. I'm sorry for my parents and the anger and frustration they are feeling towards you and Christopher, and I'm sorry that my family has to go through this for Christmas.

I'm sorry that you and I will never be "friends." I'm sorry that I will never be able to trust you again. I'm sorry that this is going to be harder for you than for Jerry. I'm sorry it's so unfair. I'm sorry that you had no respect for me, my home, my marriage, my hard work. I'm sorry that you had no respect for my brother, what he's given up for you, and what he has gone through to be with you. I'm sorry that you had no respect for my parents and what they worked so hard to give us. I'm sorry that you didn't appreciate all that my family has done for you. I'm sorry that no matter what you do, your wedding will never be 100% supported. I'm sorry that you will never know the hurt I feel every single day when I wake up, when I go to bed at night, and when I look out the window at the hot tub, and when I hear certain songs on the radio, and when I remember certain things about you or Jerry or the opportunity you had to hurt me.

I don't know how I'll ever be able to live with this, but for Maddy's sake and for my brother's sake I'm going to try. Just know one thing... I am not doing this for you. I want you to hurt, and I want you to be upset, because no matter how upset or hurt you are it will never come close to what I feel. But, I don't want my family to hurt anymore. As far as I'm concerned, you and I will co-exist for the benefit of my family, no more and no less. Maybe someday, long long long ways down the road, I'll feel differently, but right now I can't even breathe when I see you or hear your voice.

I will be civil to you. I won't be a huge bitch or anything. There is so much more to my life than any of this, and that is what I'm going to focus on. The only thing I want you to do to make this any better/easier/whatever is do whatever you can, whatever is in your power to make my brother happy. That is the only thing you can ever do that will even begin to make things right. I don't care what it takes or what you do - just show us that he isn't making the biggest mistake of his life.

Sorry this is so long, and I'm sorry I didn't have the guts to say all of this over the phone. It was just a lot harder to talk to you than I ever imagined. As long as I stay focused on my own, new family :) and you stay focused on Christopher, things should at least be tolerable

Husbands and Shopping Don't Mix...

Jer decided that he wanted to go to the mall last night - he wanted some kind of hat for golf (he has an outing on Friday). Sure - I'm always up for the mall and Maddy absolutely loves riding around in the stroller. So, we go. There was only one store in the mall that I really wanted to go, so I went there and he took Maddy and headed to the hat store or something. Said he'd come back to get me. So, I grab some things and head into the fitting room. Come back out to put a pair of pants back and grab a different size shirt... He's already there. Standing there, watching me. He says, "$25 for that shirt? Can't you find something like that at Target for cheaper?" I just looked at him, put the stuff back on the racks and said "let's go. I'm done." He doesn't say anything.

Now, I must admit that for the most part I am a Target and Kohl's shopper ok. I don't spend tons of $ on the majority of my clothes, but, for certain occasions I do own some really nice pieces. I will preface this with the fact that the outfit I wanted to buy last night was really dressy for work. I wanted to wear it today b/c I have a meeting downtown and wanted to feel good/confident. So, I was pissed off.

Turns out the reason he was shitty with me was b/c he couldn't find his stupid hat and he wanted us to go across the street to the "Golf Galaxy." Fine, but not before I can head into Payless and find some cute shoes so I can at least wear something I already have and like it a little bit. So, I come out with 2 pairs of shoes for a whopping $19. He just smiled.

So, he gets his hat at Golf Galaxy, and I hate to see how much he paid for this thing. It's like a floppy rain hat thing. It's interesting. He looks good in it though, I will give him that much.

But, the shopping saga doesn't end there... I'm getting ready for work this morning and I put on a new bra that I had bought over the weekend (on clearance for under $10 no less). He's laying in bed watching me get dressed and he says, "Leave the credit card on the counter." I said, "No." He says, "You need to do your laundry instead of just continuously buying new things to wear. You need to stop spending money." I said, "Fuck you. I have to go to work while you sit on your ass all summer - leave me alone. I'll do laundry when I damn well please." He said, "Whatever." I said, "Goodbye." Then I left. He's such an ass sometimes.

Convention Sadness

This week was SU!'s convention. I went to it last year in Orlando, and it was so awesome and inspiring. I will never forget it because I started feeling really weird on that trip (b/c I was pregnant and didn't know it yet). Anyhow, I didn't get to go this year, and it totally bums me out. I love going to SU! events and swapping stuff and seeing all the other people that are crazy-addicted to stamping like me. I'm debating about going to Leadership this year... it's in Memphis in January. This is the first year I qualify to go (since I have 3 recruits now), and it's cheaper than convention. I just don't know if I could leave Maddy... Hubby is about 50% on board with letting me go, but I'd still have to work on him. We'll see. I just need some inspiration and motivation again - I need to work on my sales again and finding some new customers. After recruiting 3 people, I've lost some of my customer base to them. Gotta find some people to have a party...

This is so true!

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest: You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you. At Your Lowest: You require a lot of attention and praise. In Love: You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are. How You're Attractive: You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic. Your Eternal Question: "Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

Root Canal Hell

I had the root canal yesterday, and let me tell you that was no fun. First of all, I had to wait for 45 minutes b/c the guy ahead of me had some fucked up teeth and it took the "endodontist" over an hour just to find his roots! So, I was already crabby when I sat down in that weird plastic-covered chair. Then, they shot a shitload of novacaine all up in there and waited until I was numb. While I'm numbing up, they tell me about the "dental dam" they are going to put in my mouth. That was the worst part about the whole thing. This disgusting piece of rubber in my mouth the entire 2 hours!! Yes, the procedure took 2 freakin' hours!!! The endodontist guy was super nice and explained everything really well - it just feels really weird now. It hurt a little last night when the novacaine wore off, but I feel fine this morning. Can't chew on that side of my mouth for a while, but shouldn't be too bad. Now, I have to call "Dr. Jennie" to schedule the crown... The fun never ends.

In Retrospect...

I really don't think I would make a good stay-at-home mom. I hate cleaning and cooking, and that would be expected of me if I stayed home. Plus, to be honest, going to work has made my time with Maddy even more special and meaningful.

OH, and since we already bought that car for MIL in exchange for childcare, I think hubby would really kill me if I made this kind of decision now. I've already recalled my irrational email I sent this morning.

It's Mondays. I just hate them.

I have also decided how I am going to reciprocate hubby's nice little gesture last week... Maddy is spending the night at my mom's on Friday so we can go to the movies and out to dinner and stuff :) He doesn't know it yet - will be a nice surprise, plus my mom has been asking for another overnight visit from her granddaughter.

Just can't believe it...

I want to stay home with my baby. I don't want to work full-time anymore. I want to stay home with Maddy. That's all I could think about on my drive in. I sent an email to hubby explaining these feelings and asking for the breakdown on the bills... I would give anything, do anything to be able to stay at home with her.

I never thought in a million years I would feel this way. I love my job and what I do - just not as much as I did pre-Maddy. I hate that I'm not with her during the day - hate it.

Mondays are the worst though - knowing I have the whole work week ahead of us... ugh. We'll see what Jer says about the email. I know he's probably going to freak out...

The Tooth Drama

I just realized I never posted about the tooth drama...

On Friday afternoon I had to leave work shortly after lunch. Jerry and Maddy came and we went to Friday's. I was chomping on a roll when my tooth started hurting really really bad... You see back in Feb. I knew I lost part of a filling, but I was like 9 months pregnant and didn't do anything about it. Well, after lunch on Fri. my entire face was throbbing and it was hurting so bad I was sick to my stomach. SOOOO.... I called the dentist, who incidentally was on vacation, and they referred me to a new dentist who was covering for him. OK. "Dr. Jennie N..." I go there and this chick who is my age comes bouncing in. "Dr. Jennie" introduces herself. Yep, just like that "Dr. Jennie." Weird. She proceeds to tell me that my lost "filling" actually included part of my tooth and the root is exposed. She told me that the "plan of attack" would be a root canal and a crown! What? Yeah. And, since it's a molar, she has to send me to an oral surgeon! This is exactly why I haven't gone to the dentist in three years. It gets worse... the tooth is infected, so I need antibiotics. She puts on plain old pencillin for 10 days. 40 freakin' pills of penicillin! She says, seriously in this whispering kind-of mom-like voice, "if you get diarhea, eat some yogurt before you take the pills... that will also help prevent you from getting a yeast infection." Nice. Perfect. I don't eat yogurt - gross! Throbbing face, penicillin, diarhea and a yeast infection... all for a stupid tooth.

I go for the root canal on Monday at 3:00. The damn thing is going to cost like $900. Good thing Jer has good dental insurance!

On a positive note - I think I'm going to switch to "Dr. Jennie." Even though she is young and a little too happy for a dentist - they got me in and out of there quickly and she didn't give me some stupid lecture about not going for cleanings and stuff. She was pretty nice and the office was efficient - my old dentist (the one on vacation) has grown his practice too much and it's impossible to get in with him. Now, after the root canal business, I think I'll actually schedule a cleaning.

He's Trying...

Hubby surprised me a little bit last night/this morning. He played softball and then went out to dinner with his brother-in-law, so he got home late. I was still up and heard the garage door open, but it was taking him forever to make his way into the house, so I peaked my head out to see what he was doing. He flipped out and told me not to look in the car? OK. Then, he hands me a box of warm cookies from Max & Erma's. Yum. So, I eat a cookie while he tells me all about his "all-star" moves at his softball game. It was sweet. So, I woke up this morning and was getting into the car for work when I noticed a picture of him stuck on the dashboard. He left me a really cute little note on the back of the picture. It was especially sweet because the picture is a silly one... he was putting sunscreen on his bald head and was completely white. I took it when we went to the state park a few weeks ago. Made me smile.

I really need that kind of thing once in a while. Otherwise it just seems like we're roommates that sleep together. Especially now that we have a baby - and I'm a firm believer that if you don't put effort into keeping your relationship a priority, it will wither away to nothing. I need to think of something cute to reciprocate with now... Any ideas? I give him cards all the time, so that really isn't all that fun... I'll have to think about this.

Jury Duty & Sex Tips

I'm doing my civic duty this week. Had to report in yesterday - no trial though, they settled before they picked a jury. Am back to work today and tomorrow, but have to call in for Thursday. Maddy has a dr. appointment on Thursday, so I'd rather go to that with her - she's getting more shots and will be in need of some Mommy love.

Anyhow, as I sat in the court room yesterday, I noticed that the majority of the people there were pretty old. It seemed that reporting for jury duty was the hi-light of their lives. They all sat around jabbering about what was going on and talking about who the lawyers were that were in the room... it was quite bizarre. I, on the other hand, was armed with magazines and spent the morning reading up on the latest weight loss trends and "how to be a goddess in the bedroom." I had to kind-of hold the magazine a little weird, so the big bold "sex" headlines weren't too obvious. I never expected those kinds of articles to be in Redbook, Cosmo yes, Redbook not so much. I consider the magazine reading "research" for work, since I have to pitch to these magazines, but don't think I didn't learn a thing or two for personal use :)

Crazy Day!

Wow was yesterday a crazy day! I was in the meeting all day - but it made me very motivated and excited to be working again. Then, after work, I ran home, fed Maddy and then went to my grandma's. I had to meet my aunt there so she can alter the pink damnation (a.k.a. the bridesmaid dress). I was actually feeling pretty good considering the last time I tried the thing on I couldn't even zip it all the way, and last night it fit pretty good. Big relief there. I'm hoping I lose a few more pounds before the wedding though, it would look a little better, I think. Anyhow, we went to my grandma's house, then my mom was out so she came over. We fed Maddy some cereal, gave her a bath and then played with her for a while. My parents are going away for the weekend, so they won't see her, and my mom is all bummed out about it.

I'm really glad it's Friday AND I don't have anything going on tonight! Jerry is going to play cards with the guys, so it's just me and the baby. I'm hoping to get some stamping stuff done and caught up. I also get to have lunch with Jer and Maddy today - we are going to Friday's. Should be nice.

I'm all booked up in meetings this afternoon, and I have jury duty next week, so I'm not sure how much I'll get to post, but I'm guessing when I finally have time there will be some interesting stories to tell!

Big Celeb Meeting

Sorry no posts yesterday, probably won't be too many today either. I have a big meeting all day today that I've been prepping for with our agency. It's with a big celeb that we've partnered up with - really cool. I went to LA last year for a big meeting about this and now the deal is signed and ideas are pouring out. I love my job!

Fucking Pears

So I am at work in tears right now because my husband was a dumbass again... I called home and he wasn't there, so I called his cell. He was, of course, at his mom's. I ask how Maddy is doing, and if he had given her any cereal today. He said, "Yeah, she had pears." I freaked out! NO NO NO NO NO. She wasn't supposed to eat any fruits yet - just cereal. No trying new foods without Mommy. NO NO NO NO NO. I was screaming at him (yes, screaming while in my cubicle and everyone in my dept. can hear me). He didn't understand why I was so upset, and he said, "fine, I just won't feed her then." I said, "what time was that? Why did she eat them?" He said because he told his mom he didn't care. Wonderful. It was the MIL that fed her her first fruit. Pissed off. Fuming mad. I hung up on him. Then, after a few minutes, I called him back and asked "how much of it did she eat? What time was it?" So, he relays these questions to his mom (who I can hear in the background and now knows how pissed off I am about this). She said that all she did was mix some pears into her cereal (whew.) I feel a little better, although I think they might've been lying to me. She wasn't supposed to have pears yet. I just gave her cereal with bananas in it two days ago, and you're only supposed to introduce new things every 3-5 days!! Assholes. I think they all know now that they will do what I say or feel the rath of a new mom. I am making a schedule for feeding her now. They will follow it.

Damn Pink Dress

So I have to have the infamous pink dress severely altered. I think something around 75% of the skirt will be cut off. I haven't tried the dress on in probably 6 or 7 weeks, so I'm really hoping it will zip up this time :) I think it will - I've lost some weight since then. My aunt is doing the alterations for me, so I have to take the dress to her on either Weds. or Thurs. We'll see. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Weekend Update

I had a really great weekend and I am feeling so much better about everything... I'm not sure if PMS was to blame or if it was just stress or what, but I was really cranky last week. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders...

I had stamping on Friday night - it was great. 14 people in my new stamping club and $350 in sales. Saturday we went to this paint your own pottery place, and I painted a plate with Maddy's footprints on it - way cute, and she liked the paint on her feet. Then, we had the bachelorette party. It was actually a lot of fun and BIL was great. I don't know why, but just the way things went made me feel so great. I think because I really hosted the party and it was fun and she really did appreciate it all. Funny story though - we did not book a stripper for her. Then, Friday night, my brother calls and is upset because we didn't get one. So, he called and booked one himself! Yeah, so this stripper guy comes to my house Saturday night - he was so bad! Ugly, skinny, powder-white flabby guy with tattoos everywhere! It was gross. We laughed so hard our cheeks hurt, but man, was he a bad one. Really funny.

Maddy spent the night at MIL's house. She was wonderful, as usual. Then, on Sunday, she took a 2 hour nap with me in our bed. I was in Heaven. I couldn't have spent a Sunday afternoon any better way. She was all happy and snuggly - I felt like she missed me, which was really nice.

We had softball last night. We run-ruled them both games. I hit the ball like a crazy bad-ass. It was great. I love playing! BIL watched the baby for me. That was nice. Maddy was all tucked in her crib when we got home. Very nice.

All in all good weekend. Had a nice chat with hubby and a great night with him last night - we really needed to just talk and connect again. We've been so busy, and it's been so hard that I think we both kinda were mad because we didn't have any time together. Better now. Much better now.

In Retrospect

I was just re-reading some of posts and realized that I've been being pretty harsh about my husband. Yeah, he cheated and yeah, it sucks, but I'm not exactly the perfect wife either. I don't cook, I don't clean and I certainly don't do any yard work. He takes care of the bills, and at least for the summer, he's home with the baby and he does pretty much everything around the house. I go to work, come home and take care of Maddy (I do make all of her bottles and do all of her laundry and shop for her, and I do a lot for HER, but I don't know that I ever really do anything that benefits HIM... hmmm...) He definitely does run our household and takes care of us. I guess sometimes I take him for granted and don't really remember all the things that he does do that are very positive for me. I should probably take it a little easier on him - it's just all this crap for BIL's wedding brings all those negative feelings to the forefront and I re-live it all over again. It's just a few more weeks and then things will calm down. I think I'm going to tell him this tonight, so that he understands that I'm not just being a bitch to him for no reason - I know he'd understand if I explained it to him this way. I'm glad I posted about this stuff, but I really need to share some of these feelings with him.

Guilty Husband

I posted about the bachelorette party, but the story of the bachelor party is another sorted tale. Jerry is using this party as way to kiss my brother's ass and to try to make up for all the shit he caused when he started messing around with BIL. (He doesn't say this - it is just painfully obvious.) They are going to the new stadium in Detroit to see a Tigers game and then going to Windsor and spending the night at the casino is these gorgeous suites - this is not until July 23rd. Jerry is calling all of my brother's fraternity pals and setting the whole thing up. Remember he is NOT the best man. He's all planning this stuff with my dad and inevitably is trying to win back some of the brownie points he lost - I think he is still going to be in the hole until he dies, but hey, at least he's trying.

Bachelorette Party

Bitch-in-law's bachelorette party is this Saturday. Her sister is her maid of honor, which is totally cool, and my brother's best friend, Jason, is best man, also cool. But tell me why the bachelorette party is at my house and why my husband is the one planning the bachelor party? Let me refresh your memory - BIL slept with my husband for over a year. Yeah. Crazy. My dumbass brother is still marrying the whore, so I am forced to stomach her existence. Now, nobody, outside of my parents, knows about the whole thing, so we all put on this show for everyone all the time and planning these little parties for them is definitely forcing us to play some new roles. You see, her sister called me up to discuss this bachelorette party business, and considering I am the only person in the wedding with a house (not to mention a hot tub on our patio and a wet bar in the basement), we decided it would be safer to stay at my house and pretty fun, as opposed to going bar-hopping or anything like that. Fine. BIL's party is at my house so I don't have to go bar-hopping with the whore and her friends. Now, we are going out to dinner first and then coming back to my house for games and a big slumber party. Ok. Pretty painless, and I really can use the night out away from stupid husband and the baby.

It gets better. BIL, who slept with my husband for over a year, is also getting a gift from me for this stupid party. I bought the whore some lingerie (clearance rack at Target) - because everyone else is too, and I would look like a big bitch if I was the only one who didn't give her a gift. Ok. Lingerie. I get to sit and watch the whore open lingerie - lingerie invokes thoughts of sexual activity, which thus invokes thoughts of the affair. Great. Night out turns into night to think about the fact that my husband cheated on me with my brother's fiancee. Lovely. Oh wait, it's not really a night out - it's a night at my house to sit around and think about the affair, while pretending to be a happy hostess to a party for the BIL that slept with my husband.

Oh, and I had to buy the prizes for the games and pick some games to play. Wait? I am NOT the maid of honor. OH, but the maid of honor is going to buy some snacks and beer. How gracious of her.

BIL is also hosting a "bridesmaid luncheon" Saturday morning. We are going to a "paint your own pottery place." I've been there several times and did this exact same thing for my bridesmaids, but this is going to cost me $$ as well, and it is more time spent with BIL.

So - here goes my Saturday. All day with the BIL thinking about her sleeping with my husband. Nice. My life is one twisted fucked up soap opera episode, I swear!

Friday's & Living with a Dumb Ass

Friday is by far the best day of the week - get to wear jeans to work, knowing I'll have the whole weekend with Maddy, usually have something fun to do that night. Not today. This Friday is starting off completely horrible.

First of all, I am having the period from hell. Floodgates. Horrible.

Maddy didn't wake up this morning, so I only got to stare at her sleeping (she's still so amazing) before I left - just kissed her head.

The entire drive in this morning, I was trying to figure out in my head if I could survive if I left my husband. Then, when I got to work, I realized that is totally NOT what I wanted to do, but that my husband is like any typical man and just doesn't realize what he's doing sometimes... He "cleaned" the house yesterday and made a big federal case about it last night. Like I should be kissing his feet because he did some dishes and wiped off a few tables. Please. While he played softball last night, I fed Maddy her cereal, gave her a bath, put her to bed, did a load of her laundry, folded the load of towels he left in the dryer, and before I even did all of that I had gone to Wal-Mart for some things I needed for the BIL's bachelorette party tomorrow night and for some additional baby feeding things for Maddy (another kind of cereal, baby foods and juice). I just wanted to stock up the pantry, so when she's ready I can just start introducing new things to her without having to run to the store every 5 minutes. Anyhow, he makes this big stink because when he got home there was some glitter on the counter and starts screaming about how I need to pick up after myself.

OK - he's an idiot. He was home all day. When I got home Maddy was still in her pajamas. He had ordered a pizza for dinner and our bedroom still looked like a bomb went off in there. He did not "clean" the house. He cleaned the kitchen and wiped off the glass tables in the living room, but he went on and on about how I should appreciate it when he makes the "house" spotless, blah, blah. Whatever. Today, he is going golfing and leaving Maddy with his mom. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but today I am fuming about this because Maddy is staying overnight with his mom tomorrow because I have BIL's bachelorette party at our house. So, she's going to have Maddy all day today and all night tomorrow. Ugh.

Completely Hysterical

Last night I completely lost it. I had talked to Jerry earlier in the day and he said he was taking Maddy to his mom's for a little bit and would probably eat dinner there since I had my hair appt. at 6:30. So, ok, fine. I was a little sad I wouldn't see Maddy until after my haircut, but I could live with it. I said I should be home around 8, and he said he'd be home by then. So, imagine my surprise when I get home at 8 and he's not there. I completely lost it. He wasn't answering his cell phone (it was in the car) and he wasn't at his mom's (they went out to dinner). I left a nasty voice mail message for him and was crying and all upset because I had felt guilty all day that I had to go get my hair cut and wouldn't be home for that couple of hours, but then my hubby made it ten times worse. He calls me back and says, "It's not my fault you had to get your haircut and we were on our own for dinner." OK, so now he is trying to make me feel guilty for getting my hair done, which I hadn't had done in 3 months and needed desperately and was already feeling guilty about anyhow. So he said they were on their way home (8:15 p.m.). I was waiting in the garage for them to pull in! I have got to calm down about these things and realize that it's ok to take a little time for me once in a while. I just wish hubby would make this a little easier for me.

I have this totally crazy fear that if I don't see Maddy for any extended amount of time that our bond will lessen - it's stupid I know, but I just don't want her to forget her mommy. I love being her favorite person to see, and I just don't want to lose that, so I hate leaving her ever for anything. I do it, because I have to, but I hate every second of it. Crazy. I need to stop feeling so guilty and realize that my daughter loves me and our bond will be forever.

P.S.

I also know the passwords to all of his email accounts - even though he doesn't know that I know them! Gotta love having computer geek friends who know how to crack into things like that!

P.S.S.
I know this distrust is unhealthy, so does he, but I still have to check up on things for now. I do this less and less and less as the time is going on, but I still feel better knowing that I have access to the things that he used to hide from me. Maddy has changed our lives completely and I think she has really affected his view of our "family" and our marriage, and I know that eventually this will all be in the past, but I can't really talk about this stuff anywhere but here.

Cell Phones...

Everyone has cell phones now... mine even rings that insanely crazy song "Hollaback Girl," but every time I pick up my phone, look at my phone or Jerry's or get a text message, I want to cry. Why? Because that is how a great deal of things happened in my life without my knowledge. Jer and the bitch communicated via cell phone (phone calls, text messages, etc.) to coordinate their little "get-togethers." It is ultimately how my brother and I caught them - cell phone bills and a few emails. So, now, every time I see his phone lying around I check all the various call logs (sent calls, missed calls, etc.) I made him take her out of there - so her name doesn't pop up anymore, just the number. There were two occurrences of her number in there when I checked it out last night, BUT I knew about these calls. I was with the bitch when she called him b/c she was trying to track down my brother who was missing in action and was supposed to be going out with Jerry (yeah, after all the BS, they are still friends - God love men, they are much more forgiving than women will ever be). We were in Cincinnati for her stupid-ass bridal shower. So, anyhow, I was aware of these calls and knew what they were from, but I still hated seeing her number in there. I even asked him about it again and he offered up the bill if I wanted to check for more... He knows how hard it is for me to believe any thing he says about any of that anymore. Anyhow, the point of this stupid post is to remind you all that cell phones, although convenient and often life-savers, are still evil contraptions and can be used for the purposes of adultery and to let you all know that I check his call logs routinely (he knows not to erase them for fear of divorce).

Oooh I Pissed Her Off!

The MIL is pissed off at me... big time! So last night we had to go to the viewing for Grandma Nanny... Now mind you this is Jerry's family's thing, and although I know a lot of people there, I am not completely comfortable in this situation. So, I focus my attention on my baby and try to make the best of it. Maddy was an angel. She was happy, smiling, wonderful. Grandma Betty (the Grand Pubba of the family) takes her from me and shares her with her bizarre friend also named Betty. Then they want to go downstairs for coffee and pastry, so I take her back. Well, MIL wants to take Maddy with her downstairs and I said no. She was like "are you sure?" and I said "yep." I just sat there smiling and playing with Maddy and she huffed away. Now, I didn't say no to be a bitch or anything... I said no because Maddy was pooping and I knew she was going to want a bottle at any given moment and need changed. Just being a mommy. So, then Jer takes Maddy and changes her diaper and gives her back to me to eat. OK, then he takes Jenna from SIL and takes her for a walk. Turns out he ran into MIL.

You see the in-law's are planning a long weekend visit to Auntie Susie in North Carolina (aka Jerry's godmother). We were supposed to go with them next weekend; however, we have a four-legged problem named Mugsy. We have nowhere for him to go, because the only people he would stay with and not freak out and bite someone are my parents, but they are also going out of town. We can't just leave him in the cage for three days - I would call that abuse. Mugsy won't let BIL let him out (BIL is not going due to work obligations), we have tried this before and Mugsy about took his arm off... So, this is the dilemma. It is also a slight problem for me to get off work (they just decided to take this trip over the weekend - not a long-time planned thing), but I have jury duty the whole following week so taking off on Friday isn't the best thing. And, after much discussion, Jerry and I decided we should probably just stay home. And, he told his mom this last night. And, she kinda flipped out.

She really wants Maddy to go and could care less about us, but she is giving us a major guilt trip and is pretty upset. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that they go on vacation every year to the outer banks and we never go (they just came back a couple weeks ago). She totally blames this all on me. She thinks I just don't want to go with them, when the reality is that neither does her son and 90% of the time he is the one that is driving the decision NOT to go! Anyhow, she is mad at me. Too bad. She'll get over it.

Fat Ass

As I said in the previous post, had our family reunion over the weekend... Well, thanks to the wonderful magic of digital cameras, I have been getting emails with pictures of the weekend. Let me just say that I view them all as motivation to become anorexic! OH MY GOSH! I need to seriously start working to lose this baby weight. I just can't stand it. This picture is of BIL (who's tanning, has nails and IS losing weight for her wedding), me and my happy little baby. I see how happy she is, and thus I am, and I'm just amazed at how my priorities have changed.

I was once the "have to be trendy/cute" girl and now I'm the "lucky to get a shower" mommy. It's amazing. I am getting my hair cut and hi-lighted tomorrow, and I am really hoping it boosts my self esteem a little bit. Need something... between PMS and really bad pictures being sent around the entire country for various family members to see, I am really feeling fantastic let me tell you!

Falling Asleep

What a busy weekend! I am so exhausted this morning... We had our family reunion on Saturday & Sunday, Jerry's mom's 50th birthday party at our house Sun. night and then went out to my mom's house last night. I need some serious sleep. I just about fell asleep driving in this morning. Scary.

We have to go to a funeral/viewing tonight and tomorrow. Jerry's uncle's mom died, we just knew her as "Grandma Nanny," but she came to our showers, wedding, etc. She was 82 and it was expected to happen any time, still sad though.

This week is going to be so busy too - I have stamp club kicking off on Friday night and then Saturday is the bridesmaid luncheon and bachelorette party for the bitch-in-law. Yahoo. Maddy is sleeping over MIL's house Saturday night. I'm nervous about that and will probably post more about it as the week goes on. Jenna is also supposed to be there, but I'm not sure now. SIL took her to the emergency room yesterday, turns out she has acid reflux and they put her on Zantac drops for babies. If that doesn't work, she has to be put on some special super-expensive formula. I'll keep you posted. Poor little girl!

Oh yeah, FYI, I will never post on the weekends. I sit at the computer all day at work, so I have no desire to do so at home, plus we have dial-up and it takes freakin' forever, plus my husband has the computer so shitted up with porn that even checking my email is not an enjoyable task.

The Numbers

While I was rocking Maddy to sleep last night, I got to thinking about the fact that my MIL is going to be watching my precious baby once Jerry goes back to school. At first I was getting all depressed and feeling guilty that she would spend more time with Maddy than I would, until I realized something - her time with Maddy is just the work day. I will be home with her every night and 24 hours a day on the weekend, so the numbers make me feel much better about this. I really can't stand the idea of her witnessing Maddy's milestones without me, but I've read some other bloggers feelings about these things, and I guess when she says her first words and takes her first steps AND I see it, that's the first time for me and it doesn't matter what MIL tells me.

FYI - MIL has a "nursery" set up already in her house (she did before the girls were born) with a crib, changing table and everything! Their names are even on the walls! She bought a swing, two bouncy seats and a boppy pillow (even though they will be 6 months old by the time she keeps them everyday). I think maybe she thought SHE was having the babies. Crazy!

I just keep telling myself that watching Maddy and Jenna is going to be her "job" and she's getting paid with a brand new car... Long story short, Jerry's sister and us bought her a loaded Chrysler Pacifica and are making the payment in return for childcare. She didn't ask for this or anything, it is just something we decided to do since her old car wouldn't fit two car seats in the back and the double stroller wouldn't fit in the trunk. Anyhow, her time with Maddy will be split with Jenna and it will be a "job." My time with Maddy is Mommy time - one on one with her and extreme quality time (especially so due to the guilt of being a working mom). I know MIL doesn't look at this way, but in my head this logic makes me feel better.