Doodlebops

Yesterday afternoon we took Maddy to see the Doodlebops Live! concert. I had no idea how she would react to this - the theater, the room full of kids, turning off the lights and loud music - but I will tell you that the astronomical amount of $ we spent on tickets (there were 6 adults and 3 children in our group) was worth every single penny and then some. She absolutely loved every single second of the experience. She clapped those little hands as hard as she possibly could, and she danced up and down the aisle the whole time they were on stage. When it was over, she looked at us and said, "more?" She was so damn cute. It literally brought tears to my eyes seeing how much she enjoyed it.

I will tell you the only downfall of the whole thing... you know those stupid flashlight things they sell at these types of events? Do you know how much those things cost these days? $20!!! Can you believe that?? $20 for a stupid flashlight. Of course, Maddy is still running around with hers today and yes, we were suckered for the $20, but that is beside the point... $20! I am so in awe of that price.

Now, we are going to drop some more serious cash to take her to see Sesame Street Live! in March...

Tomorrow is 17 weeks

So, currently I am 16 weeks pregnant. I had my routine appointment yesterday, and did the usual rundown of weight, blood pressure, pee test, etc., and then the doc came in to listen to the heartbeat. Once again it was a little challenging, and he had to lay my head back and basically stand me on my head to find the little booger, but eventually he did and all is well. This baby is much lower in my pelvis than Maddy ever was, and he/she likes to hide on all sides of the womb (never right in the middle). I always feel this baby brushing up against a hip bone. It's really nice to notice the differences, and really start to "feel" this baby. Our next appointment is the tell-all ultrasound, and let me tell you that November 21st cannot come fast enough!

I am dying to know the sex of this baby! My gut is that it is a boy, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much.

I've been having all of these thoughts run through my head lately about what it would be like to have another girl (since I really do want another boy), and I have a hard time imagining what it would be like for Maddy to have a sister. I think because I don't have a sister. It is hard for me to imagine her sharing that "daddy's girl" role, and for her not to be the only "princess" in the house. Again, all of this stemming from the fact that I don't have a sister, and I don't think I would've liked having a sister very much. I've talked to my family about this, and they all see where I'm coming from, as they know me very well and knew what I was like as a child and I would not have done very well if I would have had to share that "girly" spotlight.

I know this is all totally ridiculous, and I will be blessed no matter what the sex of the baby, but I still cannot imagine raising two children of the same sex, and how it would be to have two girls. Hmmm...

Jerry has been trying to convince me that it would be wonderful, because he WANTS another girl. And, he is also concerned that I will have a meltdown if it is not a boy. I don't think I would have a meltdown, but I do think I would shed a couple of disappointed tears. Now, don't yell at me for that, it is completely normal and more women cry about such a thing than you think. I had a conversation with several cousins about it over the weekend, and all who did not have what they had really wanted shed a few tears and then just sucked it up and now couldn't imagine life without their perspective children. And I know the same will be true for me!

So, yeah, tomorrow is the 17 week marker. All is well. Gained 3 pounds so far. Not too shabby. Counting down the days until the ultrasound... 25 more days!

Questions for my Husband

I have this list of questions about the affair that I've never asked my husband, because by the time they all poured into my head we were working hard to put it behind us, and he gets really upset if I bring it up now... I actually did ask a couple of questions when we were lying in bed Friday night, and he answered one and then said, "Mand, I really hate talking about this because it makes me feel so bad all over again." So, I dropped it, but here is the list of questions, I wish he would answer for me someday:
1. Did he feel guilty while he was actually doing this to me, or just after he got caught?
2. Would he still be doing this if he hadn't got caught? (This is the one I asked, and he said no, but he got mad when I asked why)
3. Does he ever wish he could still see her?
4. Does he ever think about her when we are messing around?
5. Why did he lie even after he got caught about the last time they did anything? (They tried denying that they had actually done anything while I was pregnant, I think just to protect me at the time)
6. Am I enough for him now?
7. Did they ever talk after they got caught?
8. How did he lose his self-control? And does he think it could happen again?
9. Did he ever think about leaving me for her?

Now, I must tell you that some of this was brought up when I first found out, and some it has been answered for me already at certain points in time, but now that it has been so long, I wonder if his perspective on the whole thing has changed at all.

Now, I also know that it has and that things are definitely different now and that our family is everything to him; however, I think I may have mentioned this in another post, but being pregnant has really brought thoughts of the affair to the forefront for me. I was actually doing some research on this the other day, and yeah, events and memories from the various points of the affair will resurface and cause major setbacks for recovery. I feel so bad because I don't want to think about this, and Jerry hasn't done anything to make me think anything at all. In fact, he's been pretty great about everything, but I'm serious when I tell you it is because I'm pregnant again and now everything makes me think about and compare things to when I was pregnant the first time. And the first time, in mid-December, I learned about the affair. So, now I look back and think about the signs and what I missed and how I didn't know.

On Friday night, we had a wonderful night. Maddy stayed with my parents, and we went out to dinner and shopping together and then just snuggled on the couch for a while before heading up to bed. We had some fun in bed, and then I made this comment about how we've been messing around SO much more this pregnancy than we ever did the first time. And all of a sudden the thoughts came on like a flood about why... I totally didn't mean to ruin our moment or our evening, but his comment about feeling bad was the last thing he said before he fell asleep and I laid there for a while feeling like an idiot for ruining our nice night for nothing. It makes me really angry at her. I still cannot comprehend how any woman could ever sleep with a man KNOWING he was married and KNOWING his wife was pregnant??? Let alone when the wife is your friend/soon-to-be sister-in-law! Seriously, she is a sick messed up bitch who is running around the streets unmedicated and without psychiatric treatment which she desperately needs! She is the textbook definition of mental illness in the walking human form. Yes, before you go thinking it, I am still angry at Jerry too. Angry that he couldn't control his hormones that he could so easily lie to me for so long and that he could actually do something so cruel to me, but we've hashed out a lot about the "why's" for him and I have a clear insight about that, and I do know that a great deal of it started at her invitation. (I have actual email proof of this, not just Jerry's word) She was a fucking psychotic whore that truly wanted to take away my life and make it her own. I firmly believe that she never really loved my brother, but rather used him in her plot to get some kind-of fantasy world life that she would steal from me. Yes, she is messed up enough to plot and scheme and do this for several years if she thought the outcome would be what she really wanted.

So, enough of this. I am hoping this post can be therapeutic for me and I can stop thinking about this for the next 5 months! Bah! I have absolutely no reason to dwell on this. Jerry and I have a beautiful daughter and our marriage is great and we are about to have another wonderful child. I need to focus on this time and the now, and STOP obsessing about the past!. End of discussion.

Something Fun

ABC of me...
[A is for age:] 27
[B is for bread of choice:] White
[C is for favorite candy:] Kit Kat
[D is for your fave Disney character's name:] Cinderella
[E is for essential items you use everyday] Blackberry
[F is for favorite song at the moment:] Tim McGraw "My Little Girl"
[G is for favorite game:] Corn Hole
[H is for hometown:] Brunswick
[I is for instruments you play:] Clarinet
[J is for jam or jelly you like:] None
[K is for kids:] 1 and 1 on the way
[L is for last kiss:] Jerry this morning
[M is for your dad's and mom's jobs:] Engineer & Accountant
[N is for name of your first crush:] Rudy Comer
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] 2005 when Maddy was born, 1993 car accident
[P is for phobias:] Clausterphobic
[Q is for quotes you like:] Lots
[R is your relationship that lasted the longest]: Married to Jerry for 4 1/2 years, but together for 12
[S is for sugary or salty - which one?: Sugary
[T is for time you wake up:] 5:45 a.m.
[U is for underwear:] Right now, it's lovely maternity underwear
[V is for vegetables you love]: Absolutely none.
[W is for worst habit:] texting on my blackberry while driving
[X is for x-rays you've had:] My femur when I broke it in the car accident in 1993.
[Y is for yummy food you make:] Italian Wedding Soup
[Z is for favorite zoo animal:] Monkeys

The Joys of Motherhood

Madeline has hit an incredibly fun age. She is now 18 months old, and she is absolutely hilarious. She has a few new "tricks" that she is doing these days that just bring a big old smile to my face:

If you ask her "how does a ghost go" she will cover her eyes and then do a really fast, surprise "Boo!" It's so funny because she says "boo" with a little southern twang for some reason. Too cute!

She is also all about "eskimo kisses" or rubbing noses. She will come up and climb in your lap just to do that. Melts your heart.

She says the word "dude." Cracks me up every time.

She likes to "swim" in the bath tub when the water is going out. She lays on her back and swishes her head back and forth and kicks her feet. Have no idea why or where this idea came from.

She thinks her potty chair is a great toy box and/or place to hide things.

We are on a continuous rotation of DVD's these days: Nemo, "Mermaid," and Madagascar. Her Shrek addiction seems to have died down.

I think the best part now though is that she has definite opinions about what she wants to eat, what she wants to do, who she wants to hold her or give her a bath. She will tell you too. It's so funny to see her assert herself. Sometimes she actually has an opinion about her clothes, which tells me I am in for some fun days ahead.

She is very good and saying "no." Especially when she is sitting in time out and I ask her if she is sorry or if she is going to behave now, "No, mom, No." Nice. 18 months old and already a rebel!

Anyhow, she is such a trip and I just love watching her figure things out on her own and form her own opinions and ideas. It's amazing. It really makes me look forward to the new little one and doing it all over again.

Will it ever stop?

The title of this post could really lead me in several directions - work, home, etc., but really what is on my mind that I haven't/can't talk to anyone about is the whole Tracy (Ex-psycho-in-law) situation. You see, lately I have been thinking about her and all that she did more than ever - for several reasons. One, I'm pregnant again, so I constantly think about when I was pregnant with Maddy and how this one compares, which means I think about the fact that Jer was cheating on me at this time in that pregnancy and I didn't even know it, and so I think back now on the opportunities they had and the when's and where's of how they were hooking up. Like, I remember when I was 11 weeks pregnant with Maddy I went to LA for work, and I'm sure they had some fun then. I remember this really weird moment at my aunt's chili dinner in early October when I was pregnant with Maddy, when I saw the two of them talking from a distance and then smile at each other, which was weird and I had this gut feeling something was weird and I even made some sarcastic comment about it and he got all irate about how I could possibly think that. I remember that the Thursday before I found out, I was driving home from work and for some reason the thought crossed my mind that those two could really be doing something and I would never know - I obsessed the whole ride home about it, and then said to myself, there is no way he would ever do that. And I felt guilty when I got home, because he was all dressed nice and had on cologne and I said, "Oh, where are you going? To see your girlfriend?" and he said, "No, I'm going to go shopping for you for your Christmas presants." Well, it turns out, that they were planning to meet up that night, but something came up with my brother and she couldn't meet him, so he went shopping instead out of guilt. I remember all of these things, and these times, and it makes me ache all over. One really vivid memory is of a conversation I had with her once in my kitchen. Jerry and my brother were watching something on TV, and Jerry made a comment about some hot chick on the show, and she asked me why stuff like that didn't bother me, and I looked her straight in the face and I said, "Because I know it doesn't mean anything. He would never cheat on me or anything. I just trust him like that." And now, I think how hard she must've been laughing inside. What an idiot I was.

It has been exactly one year since I found out about the credit card shit too, which is another reason I think about her, because I think back to this time last year and what we were going through... Thinking it might be her, but not knowing for sure, and feeling bad for accusing her and listening to her lie to us all for weeks, until MBNA called to confirm that it was her. I was home for a few weeks, at this time last year, in between leaving my old job and starting this one. Maddy had just started crawling, she had cut her first tooth, and she said "Mama" for the first time while I was home. My brother moved in with my parents. They didn't even get their wedding pictures back before he moved out.

I think about their wedding, and realize now that I should've known it wouldn't work out. I remember sitting in the limo at the far end with the groomsmen (Jerry and a few of my brother's fraternity brothers) and they were taking bets on how long it would last and how many fights they would have just on their wedding day. How wrong is that? On our limo ride, on our wedding day, Jerry's groomsmen were massaging my feet and telling me I was beautiful and how lucky Jerry was... Everyone got really drunk and my brother's wedding, including me, I think because the day wasn't about a happy couple or a strong marriage, it was a really expensive party that cost everyone a fortune for no reason. I feel so bad for my brother. When the wedding pictures did come back, she sent some to my mom. There is this picture, it's in a drawer in my parents' den now, of my brother holding her ring with this big smile on his face and he looks so happy... I haven't seen that smile since that day, and it breaks my heart.

And the really ironic thing is that even though I know how awful she is and how much she hurt my whole family, there are days when I miss her, because before I knew about all the BS, for 7 1/2 years, she was my friend. She stamped with me, the four of us went out together, she helped with every party and every family event. And I think this "missing her" mentality has been worse since my brother got this new girlfriend that is horrible.

This new girl is so young and naive, and she has no respect for herself and she has no idea how to be a good mother. Her 3 year old daughter is a nightmare, and this chick is just clueless. I so badly want to pull her aside and tell her to wake up and make some changes if she really wants to be with my brother and have my family semi-support the relationship, but it is not my place to do so. I don't want to make her my friend. I'm not ready to go down that road again, and I don't know if I ever will be.

I would give anything, ANYTHING, for one drive home, one drive to work, one minute when I'm home alone, that I do NOT think about Tracy and the affair. This December will be 2 years since I found out, and I still check the cell phone bills, and I still doublecheck his plans and have a hard time with it all. I just have to wonder if it will ever stop... if after I have the baby, and these pregnancy hormones die down it will get better (because, honestly it was WAY better before I was pregnant again, I was well on my way to getting past it). I've got 6 more months to go, and like I said, I would give ANYTHING for just one day without these thoughts and questions running through my mind!