Maddy & Jenna

Maddy & Jenna got their pictures taken together over the weekend. They were so good and seemed to really like being together. Thought I'd share them for a little bit.

What mixed drink are you?

You Are a Mai Tai

You aren't a big drinker, but you'll drink if the atmosphere is festive. And when you're drunk, watch out! You're easily carried away.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

Mama's Girl

Maddy made her grandma cry on Friday. After my mom picked up and took her home for a little sleepover - Maddy cried her eyes out. Mom said she was fine for little bits of time, but would look all around and then start crying. She said, "I knew she just wanted you." Mom was gonna just bring her back home to us, but then she wore herself out and fell asleep. When she woke up the next morning, she was her happy, smiley self.

We were slightly afraid of this. You see, earlier last week, my grandparents stopped over to see the baby and she wouldn't let them hold her. She would scream until I held her. She would smile, laugh and play with them as long as I was holding her.

Also, when my mom came to get her, she just kept staring at me, watching my every move. She wasn't paying any attention to my mom, who was shaking toys at her and trying to play with her.

Hmmm.... As much as I love the fact that she knows me and loves me, I really don't want her to be a "clingy" baby. I want her to enjoy spending time with the rest of her family. My mom says it is a phase, and that I went through it too. I hope so.

I'm hoping she's ok at MIL's house today. She was so cute this morning - all snuggly and giving me big hugs when I was holding her.

My secret meeting is now Weds. morning. Have to figure out a strategy to be inconspicuous. Whatever I do, I will arrange it so that I get to spend some alone time with Maddy too :)

The Maddy Morning Routine

So I thought this morning would be sad for me (ya know since she's going to MIL's house now), but actually I really think I'm going to like this arrangement. You see, all summer I've left while she's still sleeping in the morning. Now, we have to wake her up to go, and she's all happy smiley and loveable in the morning. I'm waking up a little earlier now so I can feed her that first morning bottle, and I just loved being able to have a few minutes with her in the morning now.

It's funny, I can close my eyes and see her little smile this morning and feel her touching my cheek while I was giving her the bottle. Oh wow do I love being a mom.

The other bonus about her going to MIL's house is that she'll have a routine during the day to go along with the routine I've established at night. All summer with Jer it was just a day-to-day go with the flow type of thing, and I think the routine will do her good. She loves her nightly routine and is now learning how to put herself to sleep once she's down in her crib. It's great. It's funny though because when we put her down, we can hear her "talking" to herself and just babbling on and on. It's so cute.

My mom is picking her up for a "sleepover" tonight. My mom misses her and didn't get to spend too much time with her these last couple of weeks, so she's keeping her overnight. This really means that she wants to take her and spoil her rotten, but you know every kid needs "that grandma." :) I'm going to miss her tonight, but it will be a nice break for Jerry and I.

Freak of Nature

So on the "Queen of Pink" I commented on her post because I have the same kind of "freak of nature" eye, and so I thought I would show you mine. Her eye looks much prettier - I just cropped a picture of me with Maddy to just give you an idea, but you can see my big brown "chunk" that has caused many a rude comment.

OH, my hair is covering up a big scar I have there just below my eyebrow. I was playing softball, and went to catch a fly ball (while wearing sunglasses and facing the glaring sun). I lost the ball in the sun, and it hit my sunglasses and popped the lense out and the lense cut my eye. I was bleeding everywhere, and I had to have like 8 stitches or something crazy!

Re-Scheduled

Bummer... my secret meeting is being re-scheduled. The dept. assistant is supposed to call today to arrange a new time. :(

Maddy officially starts her "grandma" routine tomorrow. I'm nervous about this, but I know it will all be fine. Tonight I have to gear up her diaper bag and get her stuff all packed up for her. I made a shitload of bottles last night, so I should have enough to get me through tomorrow. I need to go grocery shopping for more baby food - I don't want his mom buying it for her. That bugs me.

I think I might just send like a week's worth of extra outfits at a time - I know that Jerry is going to take her there in pj's everyday. It's so hard to think about this whole new routine. I have to map out a plan to keep things organized and keep MIL and myself in the loop on Maddy's eating/pooping/physical activities. Because Jerry is dropping off and picking Maddy up - I know he won't ask questions or know anything when he gets her home. Hmmm... I have to think about this and come up with a good system. Any ideas?

In the Middle

So I just got off the phone with my mom, and ya know there is this thing that my parents do that drives me insane. They put me in the middle of them and Jerry. I hate that! Today she was bitching b/c "Jerry wasn't nice to them on Sunday." OK. Jerry wasn't nice to me either - he never is at his family functions. When he's around his family, he is the center of attention/Mr. Party Man. He becomes this big asshole who thinks he's Mr. Big shot and treats me like shit. We've had this fight more times than I care to count. So, at the Baptism Hoop-La, he was hamming it up with his family and when my parents came, he basically ignored them. I told my mom, "Hey - don't feel bad, he ignored me all day too." So much so that I left without him.

But ya know why he's like that? Because his whole damn family is that way, and they encourage this behavior. They think "Bub" is this really wonderful, life of the party guy and they expect him to make an ass out of himself and entertain everyone. They don't care that he hasn't helped his wife for one iota of a second with the baby or that he sat on his ass while his wife hauled all the baby shit to the car and loaded up the car seat all by herself. He was having fun, and that's all that matters to them. He's the "Godfather," and he's "Bub," so he does no wrong and he expects you to just be cool on your own. His mentality is that the rest of his family is there, so they can help me with Maddy and stuff and ya know my parents can just mingle with everyone else (even though they really don't know that many other people there). He's playing cornhole, so he's too busy to visit - deal with it.

Anyways, this is all beside the point. My parents bitch to me about this every time there's some function or some day that Jerry offends them. What the hell do they want me to do? I'm not going to scold him like I'm his mother or something. I've said stuff to him before, and he always reacts the same way - like my parents are from another planet where people actually have feelings. He doesn't get it - he wasn't raised to care too much about what other people think of him.

Jerry is a pretty cold-hearted guy to most people, but so is everyone else in his family. They just don't operate like the rest of the world. They are very competitive, "fend for yourself" kind of people, and you either just jump right in and talk to someone or you sit in the corner and get pissed off at everyone. It took me many years to figure that out, but I've finally gotten the pattern of behavior down.

Now, I know that he's an ass, and I know he could've at least acknowledged my parents' existence on Sunday, but again, what do they want me to do? For every one of this asshole days, he has several really good days with all of us, especially Maddy and I. And ya know, think about how we all are around our in-laws... I'm sure we don't always come across the most friendly/caring people either. It's just different than with your own family. I would say this to my mom, but you know, I don't want to pick sides in this either. Whatever. We agree that Jerry was an ass - end of story. I don't need to hear what Dad said about it or how it all makes them feel... Again, it's over. What do they want me to do?

Another "Secret"

I have another "secret" at 4:00 on Monday. Meeting with the director now. They ended up contacting me yesterday morning! Very good sign :)

The Big Secret

I really still can't divulge too much info yet, just know this... I met with the VP of Communications at a really big hospital in our area to discuss some opportunities. They are tripling the size of their dept. in the next 6 months. We just had coffee and talked for about an hour. I'm going back to meet the team in a few weeks. Sssh. :) It was a really great meeting.

The Godfather

Yesterday was Jenna's Baptism. Jerry is her Godfather, so we had a very long and eventful day. Maddy was a little trooper though - she was excellent all through church and at the party afterwards. She passed out in the car on the way home.

Here's the only downfall... You see Jerry was raised Catholic, his whole family is Catholic. OK. My family is Baptist. When we got married, we chose to just start going to a non-denominational, Christian church together (rather than chose between the two family churches). This worked well, and we were both really happy with our decision. We love our Pastor, and we like the service, etc.

The families seemed to have accepted our decision (with a little bitterness on Jerry's side, especially). Well, since Jenna had her big christening hoop-la yesterday, the subject rared its big ugly head again. "Are you having a baptism for Maddy?" "Why isn't Maddy getting baptised today too?" You get the picture.

Here's the thing, our church does Baptise babies, but it is not at all the big deal that it is in the Catholic church. There is no fancy gown, and there is no special oils and a big special ceremony or anything. It is just a quick thing that the Pastor does as part of our regular service. This is much more Jerry and I, and this is what will happen when Maddy gets "baptised" next month. There will be no big huge party or anything - just the grandparents and a few select family members for brunch. Very low-key.

This is not sitting well with Jerry's grandma, and thus I heard about it all day yesterday. I told Jerry's mom, b/c I dare not say anything to the grand pu-baa of the family, that I didn't understand why she was so caught up on this. I told her that I wish she would just respect our decision not to raise our children Catholic, and to understand that I didn't grow up Catholic and I wish she wouldn't treat our church as if it's not legitimate or important. I hate that so much. Here's what I learned:
Jerry's family thinks that I turned him "not Catholic," that I forced this decision on him.

Whatever. I give up. I don't know how many times they need to hear Jerry say that it was his choice and that we are doing what is best for our family. You know what I say, at least he's going to church, which is more than I can say for the majority of the rest of the "Catholic" family members!

Setting the Stage...

Next week is going to be a rough one for me... Jerry goes back to school on Thursday, which means Maddy starts going to MIL's house all day. This makes me a nervous wreck. I know that she will take good care of Maddy, and that's not the issue at all. I'm just afraid of how this is going to affect Maddy, and my relationship with MIL. So far, I must admit, MIL has been a lot better about respecting my role as "mommy" and not really over stepping any boudaries (aside from the pears episode). I just hope this continues when she watches her full-time. Before this happens though, and before I start posting about this situation, I wanted to give you a little bit of background info on MIL and my relationship with her to this point.

Jerry and I have been together since we were 16. I was his first and only real girlfriend. At first, his mom thought this was great and pretty much a cute little thing. Well, when things got a little more serious (especially in our senior year of high school), I started getting the sarcastic jabs and the constant attitude from her. (I think she was afraid I would affect his college choices and future-determining decisions). When Jerry was named a captain of the football team, she was pissed off that he wasn't dating a cheerleader. There was a cheerleader that he was friends with that she thought was just so perfect and beautiful... TIMEOUT.

I can't post all this shit, it will take me ten years. Here's the key points about MIL:

• She has not always been my biggest fan.
• She tried to hook him up with other girls b/c I wasn't a cheerleader
• When I showed her my wedding dress, she said it looked like his sister's prom dress (which it definitely did NOT)
• When we moved in our house, she was "completely surprised" that I could pull it all together, and they just didn't think I had it in me to keep a house. Nice, hah?
• When I got pregnant, and we told everyone, she hugged me out of obligation and said, "I'll be more excited after we hear a heartbeat"
• She's never worked outside the home
• She's probably one of the world's greatest cooks
• She's the spitting image of "Marie Barone" on Everybody Loves Raymond - personality-wise. Think of Debra and Marie's relationship - that's us to a "T"
• She has absolutely no concept of what I do at work, and she really doesn't care to know - all she knows is that I'm not a teacher, like Jerry and his sister. I do something in "business"
• She is the biggest fashion nightmare you have ever seen
• She has been waiting to take care of her grandchildren since both of her kids moved out of her house - it's her life's dream.

So, that's her in a nutshell. Now you know what I'm dealing with, and how hard this is for me. My saving grace is that she will have Jenna too, and can't completely focus on Maddy. And, Maddy is a really happy baby so there's not too much she can say I'm doing wrong :)

Lunch with Mama

I had lunch with my mom today. I filled her in on my little "secret." She was surprised, but thought it would be good for me to do...

My South Park Character

You can make your own here South Park Studio

Secret... Sssh!

Yesterday was a pretty kick-ass day at work. I can't share much, just know that I ended up talking to our CEO on the phone and the last words of our conversation were, "Thanks, Amanda, you've done a great job with this." Big pat on the back for me.

But, the real reason for this post is tell you that I have a secret. I'm not really going to tell the whole thing for fear that someone that can't know what I'm doing after work on Monday finds out what I'm doing after work on Monday. :) Hmmmm.... How shall I put this... Let's just say an opportunity came to my attention that I'm really really excited about and I'll get some free Starbucks coffee out of the deal. I don't want to jinx it, so I will have to tell you more after Monday. Sorry. I just really don't want to chance anything.

A Little Hot Tub Fun

Last summer Jerry and I bought an 8-person hot tub. It was a great idea at the time, but then a couple of weeks later I got pregnant and couldn't go in it for like a year. At any rate, I've been really enjoying it since I've been allowed back in. We had Jer's college roommate/best friend and his wife over for dinner on Saturday night and took a little dip in the tub. It was nice. We always have a good time with them, and Maddy cooperated (stayed asleep for a really long time). I really needed to relax. Work is crazy, and I'm completely swamped this week.

On a stamping note, I had a stamp camp yesterday that was pretty good. Made a few bucks, so now I'm going shopping tonight for a new suit to wear tomorrow for the big media guy interview day!

Crazy Busy

I am running around so much today that I might actually lose another pound or two of this post-pregnancy fat! I have a big huge media interview (all day) next Tuesday and am trying to coordinate a ton of exec interviews on very short notice!

Probably won't post much until next week. :)

Poor Baby

Maddy's sick. I was out yesterday taking care of her, and I'm feeling incredibly guilty that I'm not with her today. She was up every couple of hours last night. She's all stuffed up and her belly's messed up. Poor thing. She just wants to be held and snuggled, and she's eating a lot more because she's going "poop" a lot more, but the dr. said it's good that she still wants to eat. Part of all this is that she's teething. I'm expecting a bottom toother to be poking out any day now. I gave her some baby tylenol and that seemed to help a little. We've also been using that lovely thing I call a "booger sucker" to help with her congestion. I hope Jerry does ok with her today. I'm going to call and check-in later. They were both sleeping in our bed when I left this morning, and I really don't want to risk waking them up. They're both exhausted after the long night last night.

Wedding - Part II

Moving right along to the reception... Oh, wait. Back up a minute. The limo ride from church to pictures to the reception was probably my favorite part of the day... I sat with Jerry and the groomsmen (I spent most of the weekend with the groomsmen as opposed to BIL's friends). Anyhow, they were all up there drinking, and so I joined in the fun. To sum it up, we got to the reception and my dad asked me how I was doing, and I said, "G-R-E-A-T, great! Dad. Just great," and I held my glass to do "cheers" with him. I must tell you that my brother's frat brothers were hilarious and oh so much fun! If I were single... hmmm.... Anyhow, they were great and we had fun. I was completely wasted by the time we got to the reception, but the best part was, so was my mom!!!! My mom was drinking way more than I have ever seen her drink before.

I really wasn't paying too much attention to Jerry's alcohol consumption, until he ran from the table while we were eating dinner and had to go puke his guts out... nice. Oh, wait, it gets better.

I had a great time and was out on the dance floor all night. So was Madeline! She was so funny... she loved the music and the lights. She was at the head of the train with T, and she went out to catch the bouquet and everything. It was great.

So, I'm out there dancing and having fun and then PD (frat bro) comes up to me and says, "You might want to go get your husband, he's puking in the corner by the bar." Umm... ok. I go over there.... disgusting mess all over the floor by the bar and he was wiping his face with the curtain. I dragged his ass back to the table and made him drink water. Then, I went back to the bar and told the bar tender to cut him off. Then, I felt totally humiliated while I watched this poor lady clean up Jerry's barf. I was fuming pissed off....

Jer's dad came and lectured him and took him to their table to sober up. I went back out on the dance floor (I wasn't about to let him ruin my night).

I was all good until I saw him back over by the bar (after his parents left) and he was doing shots again. (Apparently one bar tender didn't talk to the other...) I was so mad. I yelled at him and told him I didn't want anything to do with him EVER again. It was just so embarassing. My dad kind-of came in and intervened, and my mom dragged me back out on the dance floor. She told me that if I really did want to leave him, I always had a place to go (which I knew, but it was nice to hear). I just don't understand how he can be such an ass and be so selfish. I will have you know that I have NEVER been to a reception with him where he hasn't puked at some point... IDIOT!

Other not-so-good hi-lights of the evening:
My grandfather out on the dance floor unbuttoning his shirt and showing everyone his boob.
My husband learning what a "schaloop" is and then doing that to me all night long.
Having my husband want to dance with me when he can't stand up (and he weighs like 300 pounds) and spraying in my face with every word that came out of his mouth.

Good points of the evening:
Maddy and I dancing with my little brother.
Amaretto sours.
Traffic Light shots.
My fun hair-do.
My mom being all drunk and singing songs she didn't know the words to.
The best man's dad is now in love with the mother of the bride... after way too much alcohol.

In the end, it was all ok. I will tell you that yesterday my dad and Jerry went golfing, and Jerry came home with a little nicer tone with me... I think my daddy gave him a talking too..... He definitely knew how mad/upset I was. You know how hard it was for me just to get through the day, let alone deal with him being such a jackass. Whatever.

It's like there are two halves to me... One that just wants to leave his ass and never look back, and the other that loves him so much I want to forgive him and raise our family together. Saturday, it was like there was 3/4 of hate and 1/4 love. These percentages vary every day, but in the end I think I have to remember the Corinthians verse, and be patient and try to forgive before I give up completely.

The Wedding - Part I

There is so much to tell about the wedding that I know it will have to be a series of posts...

Anyhow, I'll skip Friday b/c there was nothing really interesting about the rehearsal or dinner or anything. Just the typical run through of the ceremony and some great Italian food.

Now, Saturday... 7:00 came pretty early that morning, when I crawled out of bed to get ready to go to the hair salon. I made sure everything was all packed and ready for Maddy. My mom woke up early too, so I gave her some last minute instructions for Maddy and headed out. I was the first one at the salon and the last one done.... Go figure. Anyhow, I sat in the chair and this chick says to me, "Do you like curls?" I said, "sure." She said, "Do you want it up?" I said, "Yes, definitely." So, she started this hour long process of putting tiny little ringlet curls all over my head. I totally looked like Shirley Temple. As this is going on, I can the bride in her stylist's chair just looking at me all weird... We were all sort-of wondering what she planned to do with this curl monstrosity... Eventually she put a million pins in there and made it all cute, but I can tell you now we were all freakin' out b/c it took longer to do my hair than it took to do the bride's!

So, then we head down to the mall for the make-up thing. That was all fine. I love the Clinique counter and then did a job on me, but there is a story at the mall... You see T (the bride) has this friend (sorority sister) that was in the wedding, JP. JP is an idiot. She is the most annoying chick I have ever met in my entire life. Anyhow, at rehearsal T had given us our jewlery to wear for the wedding as our "thank you" gift. JP left it in her car at the reception hall and didn't have it to wear for the wedding. Nice. So, while we were at the mall JP is trying to find something similar to buy to wear. Luckily, she did, but let me tell you that girl is so annoying. OH MY GOSH!

So, we all have hair and make-up done and we'rea ll ready to head out to T's mom's house for pics. Two hours of pics there. What a nightmare.

Driving to church. I have T's sister and JP in the car with me. JP falls asleep and is snoring the back seat! Nice. We get to church, and we're gathered in the basement, and my mom brings Maddy down. OH MY GOSH, was she the absolute cutest thing EVER. Totally made my day.

Then, it was ceremony time. We headed down the aisle. Jerry, Maddy and I looked great and it was definitely an "aaaahhhh" moment. I was ok through most of the ceremony until I looked over and saw both of my parents crying. Then, I lost it. I just stood there and then sat there and then stood there (yeah, it was a Catholic ceremony) thinking about the fact that these vows really mean nothing to her. At least it didn't mean anything to her that Jerry and I had said those same vows. Then, there was the reading from Corinthians (we had the same reading at our wedding) and those words about love reminded me that love isn't perfect, and it does forgive and it does grow and show patience and I felt so much better because I realized that Jerry and I can really get through this and it has nothing to do with her and them. They can handle their own marriage and deal with their problems on their own. I need to just worry about Jerry and I and Maddy. I was still mad though, realizing that Jerry had absolutely no respect for the fact that we took those vows, that our ceremony meant so much more to me than it did to him... But anyway, it was ok. I survived it. My brother never cried. He had the biggest smile on his face and looked really happy, so I survived.

I'll save the reception for the next post... just wait for the stories there. Wow.

It all starts today...

The torture begins today. Rehearsal is tonight. Have to be at the church at 5:15. I took a 1/2 day vacation and will be leaving at lunch time today - I'm stopping off at the mall for a manicure and a pedicure. Then, I have to run home and iron my outfit for tonight, feed Maddy some veggies, give her a bath and get her ready and steam the skirt of the pink monster dress. I am kind-of looking forward to dinner (my mom planned this part) and it's at this nice little Italian restaurant. Should be good.

I also took Monday off. After two, well really three, days of torture I will need to recover. Plus, we have softball play-offs on Sunday night, which means at least 4 games to play! Crazy.

Anyhow, I have decided to enjoy the little bit of pampering that I will get to have for this wedding and enjoy the "top shelf" liquor at the reception. If nothing else, that will at least make me feel a little bit better about the fact that MY BROTHER IS MARRYING THE CHICK THAT HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wanna know something crazy? My stomach has been an absolute wreck all week, and I really think it's because of this stupid wedding and my feelings about it. Ugh. It's just a good thing I love my brother so much, or I could really make this an ugly affair. You know that part of the ceremony where they ask if anyone objects? (Picture me with a big grin on my face.) No, no, no. Can't do that. I've already discussed it with my mom and it just wouldn't be a good thing to do...

I will have lots to share on Tuesday. Until then, I'm sure the suspense will kill you.

Hair Salons

I love going to the hair salon. I go routinely every 5-6 weeks. I'm a blonde hi-lights girl, and I always get my eyebrows waxed (I can't do the plucking thing - my eyes just tear up and I don't get them all anyway). So, last night was my pre-wedding appointment. Had a color touch-up and eyebrows done (no haircut b/c I need it to be a little longer so they can put it up on Saturday). At any rate, I was there for about an hour and a half. I love the time I spend under the dryer... watching other people and reading gossip magazines...

While I was there last night these two high school girls (going to be freshmen this year) come in, and they both want "new styles" for high school. Now, they are both on the swim team but wanted to get some hi-lights. They stylists basically looked at their hair and told them it wouldn't be a good idea... OK - so they have these pictures of hair styles they want. Both of them are almost the exact same thing they already have, but with like one little layer or something. But these girls were like bouncing off the walls excited about getting their hair cut. Of course they are sporting the belly-baring shirts and the shorts that let their ass stick out the bottom, and flip-flops. It made me feel really old, and it was a big reminder that I'm a "mom" now... I'm going to be that lady that dropped off those girls and picked them back up to take them to some other girls house for a "sleepover" or something... Wow. What an awakening.

Maddy is going to want to wear those clothes... ugh. Hopefully by the time she is a teenager, the style will actually be to wear real clothes again. Sigh.

Silly Girl

I was feeding Maddy some food last night (mixed cereal with applesauce), and she was doing really good, so I decided to try some peas. For those of you that know me, this is quite an undertaking for me... You see, I don't eat any fruits or veggies AT ALL. It's a texture thing and they completely gross me out, but I know it's important for Maddy to have them, so I suck it up and feed her the stuff.

Anyhow, her face was priceless. I was expecting this spit it out/yucky face, and she took the bite and gave me the biggest smile. It was so funny. She loved them. She ate like a champ for me, making a huge mess in the process. I just laughed at her, and she'd smile. She's such a good baby.

She was actually awake this morning when I was getting ready for work. So, Jer had her in our bed. I hurried up and got ready, and then climbed back in for a quick little snuggle. She fell asleep cuddled up by me, sucking her thumb. It took every ounce of strength I had to climb out of that bed and kiss her goodbye for the day. She is just absolutely the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. She's just amazing, and I know that she's just going to grow up to be an absolutely incredible girl. Her little personality just glows in her blue eyes and big smiles.

Just Plain Ironic

We had a pretty good night last night. Jer decided he wanted to go to the mall to get sunglasses (he's been talking about this since last year, so it's no surprise to me). He wanted like the super-expensive ones to wear for softball. Whatever. Anyhow, we went to Target first b/c that's where I wanted to go - spent $80 on the little tyke (she needed new clothes, right? wrong, but they were too cute to pass up). No, actually our total bill was $80, but that included a $15 cardigan and a CD for me, too. Anyhow, that's besides the point. So, then we went to the mall and got his sunglasses. He was hilarious trying on all these things and asking for my opinion. In the end, he was a responsible husband/father and only bought the $50 pair on clearance instead of the $120 pair he really liked.

At any rate, when we came home, the BIL called. She wants to know if I have any ideas for "parents gifts." Ummm.... here's a thought, don't marry my brother. That would be the best gift you could give them! Hah! Anyhow, I find it truly ironic that this chick thinks that I am the one she should call/ask for help with these things. Earlier this week she sent me this "itinerary" for the weekend and wanted my opinion. OK - so I'm not the maid of honor, thank God, and she's got two sisters of her own. (It's not my fault they aren't really "there" for her for this.) It just puts me in such a weird spot - I hate it. I can't wait for all this shit to be over. It is seriously going to take every ounce of guts I've got to stand up there at church and pretend to be a big supporter of this. Let alone the fact that I have to stand on her side... I would feel much better if I could stand by my brother, but I know that just doesn't look right and all. Anyhow, do you not think it is totally inappropriate for her to be asking me for help with these things? Hosting her shower was torture enough - I just had to remind myself it was for my brother, but seriously, am I wrong to NOT want to be so involved in all this? I really just want to show up and get wasted at the reception, oh, and see Maddy in her cute little dress. Fuck all the rest of the bullshit.

By the way, my "itinerary" for Saturday involves meeting them at the hair salon at 8 a.m., traveling to the mall for make-up appointments, driving to her mom's for pictures and then transporting some of the girls to church. That is all BEFORE the ceremony. Blah.

Oh yeah, to top this all off - I have my period this week. Lovely. Perfect for wearing the satin pink ball skirt in 100 degree heat this weekend! Should really be a lot of fun.

Sunday Night Softball

I wanted to post about this yesterday, but I never had the chance... Sunday night we had our usual co-ed softball double-header. The first game I played my ass off - double play, fielded a rocket ground ball, got a hit and everything. It was great. Now, let me just tell you that we've been playing on this team for 4 years now and the only time I've not played was when I was pregnant and one game like 3 years ago. OK, so fucking asshole brother-in-law DH'd me the second game! I was so flipping pissed off. Good news is that the second time I got up to bat, I fucking burned their left fielder and hit a legitimate double. It was great. I was just so pissed he didn't play me b/c we have these girls on our team who show up whenever they feel like it and he plays them when they do... hello, I show up every single week and play my ass off, and it takes precious weekend time away from Maddy. I know he knows I was pissed and if he even fucking does it again for play-offs next week, I'll fucking go home and not play EVER again. Dumb ass. I have been on fire this year, hitting better than I ever have before, and it just makes me so mad b/c our other girls have not hit like that... Whatever.

You wanna know something funny about J (the brother-in-law)... He's been coaching our team and another team on Tuesday nights for a few years now. The thing is, he isn't very good and hardly ever even plays himself. Why on earth would you spend time doing that? I just don't understand it at all...

The Countdown Begins...

Less than one week until the BIL and my brother make it official. I must say that this is probably going to be the hardest thing I will ever do in my entire life... stand by and watch someone I love very much marry someone that I hate with every breath I take. It is going to take every ounce of strength I have to stand up (in the wedding party) and not blurt out when they ask if anyone objects. I just really pray that he knows what he's doing...

I still have doubts every day that staying with Jerry was the right decision, and I know dam well that if we hadn't been married and pregnant at the time, I would be a single woman today. There is no way in hell if I were in my brother's shoes that I would've stayed with or forgiven her, but whatever.

So, in 5 days I will go get my hair done and my make-up done with her, go to her mom's to get ready with the girls and put on the pink monstrosity that she picked out. I will stand in her photos and pretend to be a supportive sister. I will do my duties with a smile, but I will not, at any point of the day, really be "happy" for her. It's just more a half-assed obligatory feeling of support for them.

The only good thing about that day is Maddy's little dress! I just can't wait to have some nice pics taken of the three of us all decked out.