Hardest Thing I've Ever Done...

OK, so for those of you that know me personally, you know that I've always been a bit of an over-achiever. Finishing my B.A. a whole year early, M.A. in just three semesters, the best of the best, always. I've always had this huge fear of being average.

Now, this does not pertain to my appearance in any way. I'm not one of those girls you see and think "Oh my God, I want to be her." I need to lose like 30 pounds, and when I'm not at work I'm sporting jeans and a sweatshirt.

I'm a mildly trendy girl, you know, when it comes to clothes and things, and I do pay attention to the "rules" of common fashion.

However, I have to say that I've noticed something about myself since I've joined the "working mom" club...

I used to really care about what I was wearing, all the time. What shoes I was wearing, the accessories. Everything. I bought a new pair of shoes like every other day, and I was all about my wardrobe.

I was totally focused on myself, aside from Jer, and very career-driven.

Now, Madeline has truly rocked my world. And I know this because of the evidence in my closet... I have not purchased any clothing items for myself in several weeks. The only shoes I've purchased in the last month were a pair to wear to a wedding. My wardrobe is cleanly divided into "work clothes" and "mommy clothes."

When I am not at work, I am wearing one of the three pairs of jeans that fit me and some variety of sweatshirt.

It is March, and I have not even looked at the spring fashions at the stores.

I must say though that the fashion part does not bother me in the least. Whatever. You know, when I'm out and about on the weekends, I get drooled on and milk spilled on and whatever else Maddy flings or spits my way, and I'm happy about it.

However, this work thing and switching to this "working mom" status is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. It wasn't so bad at the old job, because it was really routine and not too demanding, but this new job has really forced me to face the fact that I really can't have everything all the time.

This post is coming from the fact that I will be here today for 12 hours, and I won't get home until my baby is in bed. I'm nauseous at the thought of this. Last night, I only got to play with her for an hour. Tomorrow night, I won't see her at all either. Now, I must say that this is totally not typical, and this week is an exception and I have known this was coming for a while now; however, that does not make it any easier. I will come away from this week with a stronger hold in my career, but with a huge amount of guilt over the lack of time spent with Maddy. I know that I will be struggling with this guilt for many many years to come. That struggle is incredibly hard, and I salute each and every one of us that faces this battle every day.

I know that for me, working is not a choice. We need our income to maintain our comfortable lifestyle... Sure, we could get by on Jer's salary, but I couldn't go shopping or take Maddy everywhere on the weekends. So, that part, I recognize is a choice. However, if we were to go to a one-income household, in reality, it would more likely be Jer that stayed home. I make more money than he does, and my job/career is something we have invested more money and time into than his.

I guess, I'm just venting a little because this week is so stressful, and in two weeks I will have to leave Maddy for two whole nights and three whole days for an out of town busy trip. The guilt couldn't be any further ahead in the fight these days, but I'm trying, and I know in the end Madeline will admire me for my contributions to society and our community, and it will teach her to be a strong woman. I know that I did benefit from having a working mom, and I admire my mom for her sacrifices for our family. Those thoughts are what get me through these days.