So Different

I'm only 8 weeks along and already this pregnancy is so different than the first. When I was pregnant with Maddy, being pregnant consumed me. It was all I thought about. The pregnancy was everything, and I think because of that I didn't notice the signs of the affair. I say this in retrospect because now that I'm pregnant again, one of the big differences this time is Jerry, and the way he's been to me and about this baby. He's much more attentive and in-tune with me this time, even though I'm not as caught up in the pregnancy. I just think back and realize how blinded I was to everything.

I go back and re-read the journal I kept during my pregnancy with Maddy, and there are so many entries about how I thought something was wrong with Jerry and all these things I was doing to be nicer to him and wondering what was wrong with me. I remember so many things he said to me, that now I can't believe I didn't see it.

It really makes me sick to my stomach to think that even though he knew we were having a baby, and even when he knew it was a girl, and when she had a name, and everything that he still continued to see her.

Finding out made me question whether or not I knew him at all, and now that I look back on everything, I did know him and if I had been a little less caught up in myself and the baby, I would've seen it. Because seriously, I can't quite explain it in words, but this time around he is just so different. And I haven't said anything or brought any of this up at all. It's just his reactions this time, so much better.

Madeline's reaction to all of this that she now thinks my belly button is also called a "baby." When you ask her "where's mommy's baby?" she will lift up my shirt and point to my belly button. It's rather cute. Having her and playing with her is what consumes me, and this pregnancy is kind-of second nature to that. I think because right now all I'm dealing with are the horrible hormonal side effects - nauseous, headaches, fatigue.

Anyhow, some random ramblings. But the feelings this time on many fronts are just so different.