Totally Amazing

In light of my previous post, I just wanted to share a little bit about my mom...

My mom got pregnant with me when she was 14 years old. She married my dad when she was 14 years old (he was 18 at the time). She turned 15 only 9 days before I was born. She is still married to my dad - 28 years later.

Here are the snippets of what I remember about my mom's career:

When I was 3 years old, we lived in an apartment across the street from a shopping plaza. My mom didn't have her driver's license yet. She worked at a restaurant in the shopping plaza called "Duff's." My dad worked 3rd shift at a tool & die shop somewhere. She would pick up extra shifts at the restaurant whenever she could, so that we could get Christmas gifts and have birthday parties. She would walk to and from work.

When I was five years old, we moved into a house that we rented. I thought that house was HUGE after living an apartment for so long. (I have seen it in recent years, and it is actually an incredibly tiny house, but things are so different in the eyes of a child). My mom worked at the perfume counter in a department store near our house. She had her driver's license then, but we only had one car and my dad needed it because he was going to school during the day and working nights. So, she would take the bus to work.

When I was six, we moved into a town house. My dad had gotten a little bit better job after completing some of his schooling, and he entered an apprenticeship program. We moved further away from my grandparents though, so my mom didn't work for a couple of years to stay home with my brother and to be home when I got home from school. However, to get some extra money, mom baby-sat two neighbor kids every day. At this point, she went back to school to get her GED and my aunt would baby-sit us a couple nights a week for her to be able to do this. Sometime between the time I was 6 and 8, we did end up getting a second car.

When I was 8, and my brother was in school full-time, my mom went back to work. She did some kind of bookkeeping. We had a babysitter in the neighborhood after school.

When I was 9, we moved again. We bought our own house, back near our family. It was the first time I ever had a backyard. My mom got a job as a secretary for a body shop, answering phones and doing bookkeeping. My mom would drop us off at my grandma's house in the morning before school, and then go to work. My grandma would feed us breakfast and drive us to school. This was the year that we started to be home alone for about 2 hours each day after school. A couple of months later, my mom left the body shop and went to work in the bookkeeping department at a car dealer. Our routine stayed the same. My parents just moved out of that house 3 years ago.

Then, my mom went back to school to get her real estate license. She sold real estate when I was in the sixth and seventh grade. She worked her ass off, but didn't make a whole lot of money. She eventually gave it up and went back to work when I was in eighth grade. She went to work for the same company she works for now. She has changed her position there several times and went back to school for additional accounting classes, and basically now, she is their accounting department by herself.

My mom doesn't have a college degree, and both my brother and I make more money than she does. My dad eventually finished all of his schooling and everything, and he's now a project engineer for an international metal forming company.

I remember that my mom NEVER missed a sporting event or a school concert or play. We always ate a hot meal, and had pizza only on Friday's.

I still call my mom everyday at work just to say hi.

She sent me a card every single day that I was away at college.

She's 42 years old, and she's a grandma, and she's a totally amazing grandma.

She gave up so much for us, and gave so much of herself for us, and she still continues to give.

I am in awe of her. And even though I have gone on to do so many of things she wished that she could have, she is still my hero. And I totally understand why she gets her satisfaction from, and has lived her dreams through us.

I always swore I would never do this...

As a girl who grew up with mom that always worked some job or another, I witnessed something that I swore would never happen to me! My mom would get up in the morning with us and make sure we had breakfast and that my hair was fixed and that we were dressed and had lunches to take to school and that we didn't forget our homework. She would also manage during that time to get herself dressed and ready for work. She would either drive us to school or drop us off at the bus stop, and head off to her job. We would usually get home from school before my mom would get home from work, so we would call her as soon as we set foot in the house and she would give me instructions for starting dinner (usually something of the frozen variety or something very easy for me to do), and then she would get home just in time to throw it all together and finish it up for us to eat. She would then clean up the dishes, and throw in a load or two of laundry, and get us all showered/bathed, make sure we did our homework, pack lunches for the next day, etc.

Now, I did not have a SINGLE mother. I had a WORKING mother. My dad ate those meals and enjoyed his clean clothes and used some of those dishes too. Granted, he did work longer hours than my mom, but my mom still worked too.

As a little girl, I didn't really notice the one-sided work load at home, but the older I got, the more I noticed, especially when my mom started pawning off some of those household tasks to me. I swore I would never be "one of those moms" who did everything while her husband just worked and came home to relax.

Now, I must also confess that I know that my dad did a lot of the outside work and home repair stuff, but most of it wasn't done until my mom pestered him enough to go do it.

However, as I am settling more and more into this "motherhood" role and have now been a wife for nearly five years, I can see exactly why my mom never complained about doing all of these things around the house.

I have noticed lately that I am the one cooking dinner and doing the dishes every night. Packing Maddy's clothes to take to Jerry's mom's house during the week. Doing all the laundry (except for Jerry's clothes -hard and fast rule that he does his own to avoid arguments). Giving her a bath. Cleaning up the toys. Keeping our calendar of social activities in line and making sure we are all where we need to be when we need to be there.

I am not complaining that I do these things, which is the weird part. If anyone has known me for any amount of time, you will know that for all of my young adult life I despised cooking and cleaning, and would often live in a very MESSY state before I would do anything about it. I have always been more about my clothes and my career than I have ever been about a household... until now.

I don't know if it is the idea that I have another child on the way, and I am now shifting into a mode where motherhood will be an even bigger part of who I am or if it is merely just part of growing up... but it is weird. I find myself enjoying cooking, and I don't mind doing the dishes or laundry, because it makes things nice and enjoyable for my family.

Jerry does do a lot at home too. I have to give him credit. He does do things now and then that I am surprised and appreciative of; however, there are stupid little things that I will never understand the logic as to why he does NOT do them... Like putting new garbage bags in the garbage cans. He will always take out the full trash bags and take them out to the garage. He will NEVER EVER put new bags in. I always go to throw something away and find the exposed can and have to put the new bags in...

I must also tell you that I definitely DO NOT have it as bad as my mom did. My mom also handles all of their financial stuff (she is an accountant afterall), and so she did all the bills and everything too. And, every Saturday, like clockwork, she did the weekly cleaning (dusting, vaccuuming, etc.) I, on the otherhand, do NOT touch our financial crap. Jerry handles all of that. I also do NOT do the routine cleaning stuff. If you can believe this, I actually pay my mother to come do it twice a month! (I was going to hire a cleaning service to do this, but my mom offered and wanted the extra money when she dropped down to working four days a week.) Ironically, she uses the money for her day off with Maddy and spends it all and more on her spoiled rotten granddaughter, so it really does work out well and doesn't feel like my mom is my maid or anything...

And before anyone gets too judgmental here, I must also tell you that I do make signficantly more money than my husband and I do work a lot more hours than he does. AND, our house is a far cry from the 3 bedroom tiny ranch that I grew up in and watched my mom miticulously scour and clean. So, there are certain things I really just do not want to do because it would mean giving up even more time with my daughter than I already do...

I just have noticed lately how much little domestic things that used to totally repulse me, have actually become enjoyable and meaningful. I understand why my mom just did it all and never once complained. I have a whole new perspective and appreciation for all the things my mom has done and still does for me, and I understand why the huge sacrifices she made for us didn't seem so huge to her.

Second Pregnancy Depression

On and off since Thanksgiving, I have been having these little bouts of depression. I get into a funk and just cry for no reason and feel really sad. I have stupid thoughts about whether or not Jer still loves me or whether or not I'm a good enough mom to Maddy and whether or not I'm going to be able to be a good mom to two girls. I've actually stayed home from work twice because of these stupid feelings, and yesterday was one of those days. I just felt like I was in a fog - tired and weepy and weird. I don't know why these feelings come about, but even just thinking about having those thoughts makes me cry.

I was talking to my mom about this and she said she went through it with her second pregnancy too. She said it is probably because it is not as big a deal as it was the first time around. The whole world isn't revolving around the pregnancy - Jer and I aren't out shopping for baby things every spare minute, and there's no shower, and I have to worry about and focus on Madeline as well, so my whole world isn't revolving around this baby either. She also pointed out to me that I'm really tired and not getting enough rest because I have to take care of Maddy, which means naps and extra sleep just aren't an option.

So, my mom is keeping Maddy Thursday and Friday nights, and I am going to have dinner with Jerry and work on getting caught up on Maddy's scrapbook. I think this will make me feel better.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, and I'm going to ask him if these feelings are normal, because they really make me unhappy and I also get really crabby and am not so nice to Jer and I get really impatient with Maddy. The thing is, I see myself doing it and feel it, but I don't know why I can't stop acting and thinking like a sappy, crying disaster of a woman.

Happy New Year!

I'm back at work and into the swing of things. Today I am so tired! I could totally pass out at my desk, but the baby is awake and kicking like crazy.

New Year's Eve was pretty much a bust - not at all waht I was anticipating. Jerry and I ended up in a huge fight, and the year was off to a fabulous start!

We went to Jerry's sister's house for what was supposed to be a "low key, kid-friendly" party, and walked into a house full of 30 people with like 3 little kids upstairs and an adult party going on in the basement. Jer's sister pretty much dumped my niece off on my MIL and Jer's grandma, which meant that I spent the entire evening upstairs with Maddy and them, while Jerry played cards with the guys and everyone else played drinking games. Then, at 10:30 MIL decides to go home and she takes Jenna with her, which leaves Maddy wandering around looking for her and crying for an hour. And of course, we can't leave because Jerry is winning at cards. So, for an hour and a half I entertained a very tired and crabby Madeline and grew angrier by the minute. I was exhausted myself and SO READY TO LEAVE.

So, when Jerry came upstairs at 11:45 and said he was going to warm up the car, I was thrilled... until he took Maddy downstairs and disappeared until after midnight. I sat on the stairs ready to pass out and totally pissed off. He came upstairs totally mad at me for not coming downstairs with everyone for the big midnight hoop-la... I told him it was hot and smelly down there and I had no interest in being down there while everyone screamed, and he told me that I wasn't being a good mom! Ha!!! As if... I spent the entire night with Maddy while he played cards. I was so pissed at him, and he was really mad at me. We didn't speak the entire way home, and when we got home, he slept with Madeline.

Oh, and did I mention that New Year's Day is Jer's birthday? Yeah, I threw his card in the trash... I spent the first hour we were home in tears, and I actually packed a suitcase to go to my mom's but ultimately couldn't leave Maddy... So, eventually I realized the whole thing was really stupid and I went to bed. We woke up, Jerry eventually did come to our bed, and we were fine and laughed at how dumb the whole thing was...

He totally understood my feelings about the evening, and I apologized for not kissing him at midnight, and all is well with the world.

New Year's Day was better. We did celebrate his birthday with his family, and Madeline LOVED helping daddy with his birthday cake. I was on-call for work though, and I got paged seriously 25 times during dinner... nuts. The holidays are anything but quiet at a hospital!

Anyhow, hope you all had a better New Year's Eve than I did!