Questions for my Husband

I have this list of questions about the affair that I've never asked my husband, because by the time they all poured into my head we were working hard to put it behind us, and he gets really upset if I bring it up now... I actually did ask a couple of questions when we were lying in bed Friday night, and he answered one and then said, "Mand, I really hate talking about this because it makes me feel so bad all over again." So, I dropped it, but here is the list of questions, I wish he would answer for me someday:
1. Did he feel guilty while he was actually doing this to me, or just after he got caught?
2. Would he still be doing this if he hadn't got caught? (This is the one I asked, and he said no, but he got mad when I asked why)
3. Does he ever wish he could still see her?
4. Does he ever think about her when we are messing around?
5. Why did he lie even after he got caught about the last time they did anything? (They tried denying that they had actually done anything while I was pregnant, I think just to protect me at the time)
6. Am I enough for him now?
7. Did they ever talk after they got caught?
8. How did he lose his self-control? And does he think it could happen again?
9. Did he ever think about leaving me for her?

Now, I must tell you that some of this was brought up when I first found out, and some it has been answered for me already at certain points in time, but now that it has been so long, I wonder if his perspective on the whole thing has changed at all.

Now, I also know that it has and that things are definitely different now and that our family is everything to him; however, I think I may have mentioned this in another post, but being pregnant has really brought thoughts of the affair to the forefront for me. I was actually doing some research on this the other day, and yeah, events and memories from the various points of the affair will resurface and cause major setbacks for recovery. I feel so bad because I don't want to think about this, and Jerry hasn't done anything to make me think anything at all. In fact, he's been pretty great about everything, but I'm serious when I tell you it is because I'm pregnant again and now everything makes me think about and compare things to when I was pregnant the first time. And the first time, in mid-December, I learned about the affair. So, now I look back and think about the signs and what I missed and how I didn't know.

On Friday night, we had a wonderful night. Maddy stayed with my parents, and we went out to dinner and shopping together and then just snuggled on the couch for a while before heading up to bed. We had some fun in bed, and then I made this comment about how we've been messing around SO much more this pregnancy than we ever did the first time. And all of a sudden the thoughts came on like a flood about why... I totally didn't mean to ruin our moment or our evening, but his comment about feeling bad was the last thing he said before he fell asleep and I laid there for a while feeling like an idiot for ruining our nice night for nothing. It makes me really angry at her. I still cannot comprehend how any woman could ever sleep with a man KNOWING he was married and KNOWING his wife was pregnant??? Let alone when the wife is your friend/soon-to-be sister-in-law! Seriously, she is a sick messed up bitch who is running around the streets unmedicated and without psychiatric treatment which she desperately needs! She is the textbook definition of mental illness in the walking human form. Yes, before you go thinking it, I am still angry at Jerry too. Angry that he couldn't control his hormones that he could so easily lie to me for so long and that he could actually do something so cruel to me, but we've hashed out a lot about the "why's" for him and I have a clear insight about that, and I do know that a great deal of it started at her invitation. (I have actual email proof of this, not just Jerry's word) She was a fucking psychotic whore that truly wanted to take away my life and make it her own. I firmly believe that she never really loved my brother, but rather used him in her plot to get some kind-of fantasy world life that she would steal from me. Yes, she is messed up enough to plot and scheme and do this for several years if she thought the outcome would be what she really wanted.

So, enough of this. I am hoping this post can be therapeutic for me and I can stop thinking about this for the next 5 months! Bah! I have absolutely no reason to dwell on this. Jerry and I have a beautiful daughter and our marriage is great and we are about to have another wonderful child. I need to focus on this time and the now, and STOP obsessing about the past!. End of discussion.