Will it ever stop?

The title of this post could really lead me in several directions - work, home, etc., but really what is on my mind that I haven't/can't talk to anyone about is the whole Tracy (Ex-psycho-in-law) situation. You see, lately I have been thinking about her and all that she did more than ever - for several reasons. One, I'm pregnant again, so I constantly think about when I was pregnant with Maddy and how this one compares, which means I think about the fact that Jer was cheating on me at this time in that pregnancy and I didn't even know it, and so I think back now on the opportunities they had and the when's and where's of how they were hooking up. Like, I remember when I was 11 weeks pregnant with Maddy I went to LA for work, and I'm sure they had some fun then. I remember this really weird moment at my aunt's chili dinner in early October when I was pregnant with Maddy, when I saw the two of them talking from a distance and then smile at each other, which was weird and I had this gut feeling something was weird and I even made some sarcastic comment about it and he got all irate about how I could possibly think that. I remember that the Thursday before I found out, I was driving home from work and for some reason the thought crossed my mind that those two could really be doing something and I would never know - I obsessed the whole ride home about it, and then said to myself, there is no way he would ever do that. And I felt guilty when I got home, because he was all dressed nice and had on cologne and I said, "Oh, where are you going? To see your girlfriend?" and he said, "No, I'm going to go shopping for you for your Christmas presants." Well, it turns out, that they were planning to meet up that night, but something came up with my brother and she couldn't meet him, so he went shopping instead out of guilt. I remember all of these things, and these times, and it makes me ache all over. One really vivid memory is of a conversation I had with her once in my kitchen. Jerry and my brother were watching something on TV, and Jerry made a comment about some hot chick on the show, and she asked me why stuff like that didn't bother me, and I looked her straight in the face and I said, "Because I know it doesn't mean anything. He would never cheat on me or anything. I just trust him like that." And now, I think how hard she must've been laughing inside. What an idiot I was.

It has been exactly one year since I found out about the credit card shit too, which is another reason I think about her, because I think back to this time last year and what we were going through... Thinking it might be her, but not knowing for sure, and feeling bad for accusing her and listening to her lie to us all for weeks, until MBNA called to confirm that it was her. I was home for a few weeks, at this time last year, in between leaving my old job and starting this one. Maddy had just started crawling, she had cut her first tooth, and she said "Mama" for the first time while I was home. My brother moved in with my parents. They didn't even get their wedding pictures back before he moved out.

I think about their wedding, and realize now that I should've known it wouldn't work out. I remember sitting in the limo at the far end with the groomsmen (Jerry and a few of my brother's fraternity brothers) and they were taking bets on how long it would last and how many fights they would have just on their wedding day. How wrong is that? On our limo ride, on our wedding day, Jerry's groomsmen were massaging my feet and telling me I was beautiful and how lucky Jerry was... Everyone got really drunk and my brother's wedding, including me, I think because the day wasn't about a happy couple or a strong marriage, it was a really expensive party that cost everyone a fortune for no reason. I feel so bad for my brother. When the wedding pictures did come back, she sent some to my mom. There is this picture, it's in a drawer in my parents' den now, of my brother holding her ring with this big smile on his face and he looks so happy... I haven't seen that smile since that day, and it breaks my heart.

And the really ironic thing is that even though I know how awful she is and how much she hurt my whole family, there are days when I miss her, because before I knew about all the BS, for 7 1/2 years, she was my friend. She stamped with me, the four of us went out together, she helped with every party and every family event. And I think this "missing her" mentality has been worse since my brother got this new girlfriend that is horrible.

This new girl is so young and naive, and she has no respect for herself and she has no idea how to be a good mother. Her 3 year old daughter is a nightmare, and this chick is just clueless. I so badly want to pull her aside and tell her to wake up and make some changes if she really wants to be with my brother and have my family semi-support the relationship, but it is not my place to do so. I don't want to make her my friend. I'm not ready to go down that road again, and I don't know if I ever will be.

I would give anything, ANYTHING, for one drive home, one drive to work, one minute when I'm home alone, that I do NOT think about Tracy and the affair. This December will be 2 years since I found out, and I still check the cell phone bills, and I still doublecheck his plans and have a hard time with it all. I just have to wonder if it will ever stop... if after I have the baby, and these pregnancy hormones die down it will get better (because, honestly it was WAY better before I was pregnant again, I was well on my way to getting past it). I've got 6 more months to go, and like I said, I would give ANYTHING for just one day without these thoughts and questions running through my mind!