Christmas Fun

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate with mini marshmallows

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Definitely wraps them with bows and all

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White lights

4. Do you hang mistletoe? No

5. When do you put your decorations up? Thanksgiving weekend, usually that Saturday.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Honeybaked ham

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Decorating the tree with my mom every year, and listening to Christmas music the whole time.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I don't really remember... I know that when I was in 5th grade, I found all of our presents in my mom's closet.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yes.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? We have two trees up this year. One is all Disney (decked with all the ornmanets my grandma collected for me when I was in college) and it has a Winnie the Pooh tree topper and a personalized Mickey Mouse tree skirt. The other pencil tree is decorated with ice blue and white ribbon and snowman/snowflake ornaments.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Dread it! The horrible traffic for work traveling!

12. Can you ice skate? I can, but not this year, since I'm pregnant.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I think it was probably the big art easel and art supplies I got in third grade. I remember spending hours and hours in my room with that stuff and hanging all of my creations on the walls.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Spending time with my family, and doing all of our quirky little traditions.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Jell-o cookies.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Our big family shopping day on the day after Thanksgiving.

17. What do you put on top of your tree? Winnie the Pooh, and the other tree has a fancy crystal star

18. Which do you prefer, giving or Receiving? Giving-- especially with Maddy now. I just can't wait to see her reaction to everything!

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? My all-time favorite Christmas songs are all on The Osmond Family Christmas Album (go ahead and laugh), but my mom used to play that album every year all the time at the holidays, and every song brings back so many memories. I just ordered the CD last week, and I cannot believe how connected that album is to my childhood holiday memories!

20. Candy Canes, yum or yuck? I like all the fruity flavored ones, don't care for the peppermint too much.

Very Productive Weekend

I had a really great weekend. Started on Friday with a date night with Jer. We went to Red Lobster, which I have been dying to go to for a while (I adore the cheddar bay biscuits). We had an enjoyable meal, sans Madeline, and had a nice quiet evening at home. I got all of my wrapping done this weekend and all of my baking! It was so great! Honestly, it was because my mom had Madeline Friday night and didn't bring her home until 1:30 on Saturday. I did all the wrapping on Friday night, and then on Saturday morning I woke up early and went to the grocery for baking supplies and got started. I made 5 different kinds of cookies, and because Maddy was asleep when my mom dropped her off and Jer slept with her for 2 hours, I got it all done before she was awake and ready to play! Wonderful.

Saturday night, Jer went shopping with my mom and my brother, and my dad came over to hang out with Maddy and I. We ended up going to Applebee's because my dad asked Maddy where she wanted to go eat and she said, "Bees." Yeah, my daughter is not even 2 and can tell which restaurant/fast food joint she would like her dinner to come from! I am so NOT proud of that, but it is still cute to hear her tell you "bees." Anyhow, we went to "Bees" and she was so good. She ate like a champ and said hello to everyone that caught her eye. Then, we just hung out at our house. My dad played with her while I finished up the last of my wrapping, and then my dad went downstairs and wrapped all of my mom's gifts while I gave her a bath and got her ready for bed.

Jer's shopping trip was good. They didn't get home until 11:00! They went to dinner and everything. It was so great for him to actually spend some time with my brother. Things between them are still a bit awkward sometimes, and it really was a good time for all of them.

Yesterday, we pretty much did nothing all day. Madeline and I were in our jammies until 1:30. We watched movies, colored, and played all morning and then took a 2 hour nap. We got up, took a shower, ate lunch, played some more and then Jer and I had to get ready to go to the first of my work holiday parties. We dropped Maddy off at Jer's aunt's house, which I was slightly nervous about because she's never stayed over there before, but it ended up being really great for everyone. We got a little lost on the way to the party, but eventually found our way and stayed for a couple of hours. Boring party. Fancy food and boring mingling, but my appearance was pretty much required. When we went to pick up Maddy, she was having a blast! She had all kinds of new things she was playing with, thanks to the fact that Auntie Judy never threw any of her daughter's toys away, and she did not want to leave. They told us she was an "angel," and never even looked for us or asked where we were. I am SO glad that Maddy is like that. She loves spending time with all the people in her family and is not a clingy little one at all. She was happy to eat pizza and watch Shrek over there, and then when we came back, she gave us a huge smile and hugs and kisses and was just ready to play some more. I was very proud of her.

This week is going to be a good one... lots of holiday festivities for us. I love Christmas and all of our crazy family functions, even though it is completely chaotic!

I am working through Wednesday of this week, and then will be off until the 27th. I have a check-up with the doctor on Thursday morning, and then I think we might take Maddy to see Charlotte's Web. Jer's vacation starts on Thursday too. I need to plan a menu for Christmas Eve dinner at my house.... And I have to make my wedding soup for dinner at Jer's sister's house on Christmas day.

Oh well, I'm off... I'm going to spend some time looking up recipes before the boss gets in :)

Getting Ready for the Holidays

Things have been quite hectic in our household lately. Trying to squeeze in shopping time, wrapping time, baking time, stamping time, and of course, time to play with Maddy while juggling holiday parties and family obligations is an absolute nightmare. I cannot even imagine how much harder it is going to get with two little ones to worry about!

I have stamping on Wednesday and Thursday this week, and I'm nowhere near ready for that! I have 18 aprons to iron and stamp and I need to finish preparing all the pieces for the holiday recipe books they are making.

I have to fly out of work like superwoman today and get as much done tonight as I can.

Next week is even crazier... Christmas for us really starts on Wednesday night with dinner with Jer's family, another function Thursday night and then it just keeps running on through Christmas day.

I'm totally annoyed/pissed of at Jer's sister. She's been acting like such a selfish brat lately, and I swear Jerry's mom doesn't do anything without consulting her first.

Anyhow, I have a meeting I need to prepare for... More later.

The Sickness Continues...

Jer is sick now. Sore throat, ear hurts, coughing... fun. I am still not 100% better, but each day I make a little progress. Maddy seems to be doing a lot better. Her eye looks good, and she seems happy. She's with my mom today. I think they are going to Chuck E. Cheese.

Tomorrow I am going shopping with my dad for gifts for my mom. It's an annual tradition and one that I really enjoy. The only bad thing about it is that two years ago, when I got home from my shopping day with my dad, is when I got the phone call from my brother that revealed the affair to me. I remember the day like it was yesterday... What I was wearing, what my brother said on the phone, the conversations my dad and I had at dinner... Crazy.

Anyhow, tomorrow is shopping day and Jer is supposed to watch Maddy. Now that he's sick, I'm sure this is going to turn into an argument and I'm going to be super-pissed if he gives me a hard time about keeping her, because the entire time I was sick, he managed to find other things he HAD to do and left her with me by myself A lOT, despite the fact that I was ten times sicker than he is right now... Ugh.

Have a good weekend, I'm sure I am in for a pleasant one...

Poor Maddy

She has pink eye now. Jer called the doctor this morning and they are calling her in some drops.

On top of that, she also slipped in the shower with me last night and hit her face. Her eye is all swollen today - the same eye that she has the pink eye in... Nice.

We were supposed to get her pictures taken tonight and take her to see Santa. I highly doubt that happens now...

Wow! What a week!

Well, first the exciting news... We are having another girl. Found out a week ago, and it still is sinking in. We are pretty sure we are going to name her Tess Alexandra, but it's not set in stone. The baby is doing very well and is healthy and moving around like crazy.

After we had the ultrasound last week, I started to get really sick. I was so mad because I had planned time off from work to get ready for Thanksgiving and for the big family shopping day and all, and I ended up REALLY sick. What started out as a cold turned into a massively bad sinus infection that spread into my teeth and gums, and then I had pink eye in both eyes on top of it all. It was awful!!! I finally got antibiotics on Saturday, and things are still working their way out. Today is by far the best day I've had in a week.

On top of the sickness, we moved Maddy to a "big girl" bed last week, which means that I spent a great deal of time laying in her bed with her and waking up with her a few times each night. Finally, last night she slept all through the night. And so did I... thank God because I had to come back to work today, and I was feeling so sleep deprived that I seriously had an hour-long meltdown yesterday and could not stop crying.

It was totally hormonal. I had no idea why I was crying, but I couldn't stop. I was crying so hard, I started to feel like I was hyperventilating. It was scary. I took a long bath and a nap after that and felt much better, but wow! I didn't really realize how worn out I really was.

I think so much of the problem was that even though I was sick, I still cooked Thanksgiving dinner and entertained 15 guests, and then went shopping like a crazy woman all day on Friday, and then put up two Christmas trees on Saturday, and tried shopping again on Sunday (only to go home early to crash on the couch). Too much. No resting.

Yesterday I was supposed to come back to work, but the pink eye was in full force, so I just worked from home. I sent Maddy to my MIL's and regrouped. I totally needed that to keep my sanity.

Anyhow, that's about it. Back to the grind now.

Just call me Martha...

This pregnancy has done something completely and totally bizarre to me... it has given me this intense desire to cook real meals and entertain family every weekend!!

In the past month, I have made homemade Italian wedding soup twice, tacos for 15 people, and a from-scratch lasagna! All of these meals were for either my whole family or Jerry's whole family, depending on the weekend. And, if you can believe this, I volunteered to have Thanksgiving at my house!

Now, let me just tell you that this so far out of the ordinary for me, and I don't quite think the family knows how to react to all of this. They are definitely enjoying all the food I am cooking, but this all just doesn't fit with the "Mandy" they know... It's throwing everything slightly off.

The Thanksgiving thing may or may not happen, depending on how stupid my aunt chooses to be... You see she has 4 kids - one mature 18-year-old daughter, and 3 younger hellion boys. She is not supporting this Thanksgiving move because she "doesn't feel comfortable having her boys in her new house." Yeah, well that's because she doesn't want to have to actually watch her children... because when she's at my grandma's house, she lets them run around and do whatever they want and destroy things and act like idiots until someone else yells at them. They are all extremely horribly behaved, and honestly I completely blame it on their lazy, inconsistent parenting.

Now, just so you know, when I volunteered to do Thanksgiving it was driven by this weird pregnancy cooking thing, but also because my grandma really doesn't want to do it anymore. She has Lupus and she had a bad heart attack a few years ago, and she just doesn't feel up to it. And when she was out at my house last weekend for tacos, she hinted around about having it at my house. I, of course, am not keen on having the yellion boys at my house either, but Jerry and I discussed it and said we would make some changes down in the basement and hook up a TV down there so they could bring the X-Box and whatever and we would make it work... I am completely annoyed at my aunt for thinking in such selfish terms and for the fact that she cannot control her children and that they are so badly behaved that she cannot bring them to a civilized Thanksgiving dinner. I'm sure this debate will continue until it is decided on whether or not we will have it at my house...

In my old house, we had Christmas there a couple of times and she was always the same way about it, and it was always fine. Pain in the ass. Learn how to control your children!

Relieved

My dad does NOT have to go to India. They found someone else to go who is single and doesn't have a lot of family.

I talked to my dad yesterday, and I could tell a little bit of him was sad about not going because he doesn't really get to travel out of the country much and I think he was slightly excited to go, but then he said he knew after about 2 weeks he would've been horribly homesick and wouldn't survive the rest of the trip. He admitted the worst part for him would've been not seeing Maddy for that long... I am so happy and relieved that he is NOT going!!

Surprising and Upsetting News

I found out last night that my dad might have to go to India for 3 months for work. They want him to leave in January, which means he wouldn't be back until the end of March/beginning of April, and will likely miss the birth of our new baby. This would also mean that he will miss Maddy's birthday and be away from all of us for 3 whole months!!!

This news totally bums me out, and seriously can bring me to tears at the thought of my dad missing everything.

It's not a definite thing, as they are trying to find someone to go in his place, but it doesn't look good. He will know for sure around Thanksgiving. I'm praying and keeping my fingers crossed that he does NOT have to go!

Doodlebops

Yesterday afternoon we took Maddy to see the Doodlebops Live! concert. I had no idea how she would react to this - the theater, the room full of kids, turning off the lights and loud music - but I will tell you that the astronomical amount of $ we spent on tickets (there were 6 adults and 3 children in our group) was worth every single penny and then some. She absolutely loved every single second of the experience. She clapped those little hands as hard as she possibly could, and she danced up and down the aisle the whole time they were on stage. When it was over, she looked at us and said, "more?" She was so damn cute. It literally brought tears to my eyes seeing how much she enjoyed it.

I will tell you the only downfall of the whole thing... you know those stupid flashlight things they sell at these types of events? Do you know how much those things cost these days? $20!!! Can you believe that?? $20 for a stupid flashlight. Of course, Maddy is still running around with hers today and yes, we were suckered for the $20, but that is beside the point... $20! I am so in awe of that price.

Now, we are going to drop some more serious cash to take her to see Sesame Street Live! in March...

Tomorrow is 17 weeks

So, currently I am 16 weeks pregnant. I had my routine appointment yesterday, and did the usual rundown of weight, blood pressure, pee test, etc., and then the doc came in to listen to the heartbeat. Once again it was a little challenging, and he had to lay my head back and basically stand me on my head to find the little booger, but eventually he did and all is well. This baby is much lower in my pelvis than Maddy ever was, and he/she likes to hide on all sides of the womb (never right in the middle). I always feel this baby brushing up against a hip bone. It's really nice to notice the differences, and really start to "feel" this baby. Our next appointment is the tell-all ultrasound, and let me tell you that November 21st cannot come fast enough!

I am dying to know the sex of this baby! My gut is that it is a boy, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much.

I've been having all of these thoughts run through my head lately about what it would be like to have another girl (since I really do want another boy), and I have a hard time imagining what it would be like for Maddy to have a sister. I think because I don't have a sister. It is hard for me to imagine her sharing that "daddy's girl" role, and for her not to be the only "princess" in the house. Again, all of this stemming from the fact that I don't have a sister, and I don't think I would've liked having a sister very much. I've talked to my family about this, and they all see where I'm coming from, as they know me very well and knew what I was like as a child and I would not have done very well if I would have had to share that "girly" spotlight.

I know this is all totally ridiculous, and I will be blessed no matter what the sex of the baby, but I still cannot imagine raising two children of the same sex, and how it would be to have two girls. Hmmm...

Jerry has been trying to convince me that it would be wonderful, because he WANTS another girl. And, he is also concerned that I will have a meltdown if it is not a boy. I don't think I would have a meltdown, but I do think I would shed a couple of disappointed tears. Now, don't yell at me for that, it is completely normal and more women cry about such a thing than you think. I had a conversation with several cousins about it over the weekend, and all who did not have what they had really wanted shed a few tears and then just sucked it up and now couldn't imagine life without their perspective children. And I know the same will be true for me!

So, yeah, tomorrow is the 17 week marker. All is well. Gained 3 pounds so far. Not too shabby. Counting down the days until the ultrasound... 25 more days!

Questions for my Husband

I have this list of questions about the affair that I've never asked my husband, because by the time they all poured into my head we were working hard to put it behind us, and he gets really upset if I bring it up now... I actually did ask a couple of questions when we were lying in bed Friday night, and he answered one and then said, "Mand, I really hate talking about this because it makes me feel so bad all over again." So, I dropped it, but here is the list of questions, I wish he would answer for me someday:
1. Did he feel guilty while he was actually doing this to me, or just after he got caught?
2. Would he still be doing this if he hadn't got caught? (This is the one I asked, and he said no, but he got mad when I asked why)
3. Does he ever wish he could still see her?
4. Does he ever think about her when we are messing around?
5. Why did he lie even after he got caught about the last time they did anything? (They tried denying that they had actually done anything while I was pregnant, I think just to protect me at the time)
6. Am I enough for him now?
7. Did they ever talk after they got caught?
8. How did he lose his self-control? And does he think it could happen again?
9. Did he ever think about leaving me for her?

Now, I must tell you that some of this was brought up when I first found out, and some it has been answered for me already at certain points in time, but now that it has been so long, I wonder if his perspective on the whole thing has changed at all.

Now, I also know that it has and that things are definitely different now and that our family is everything to him; however, I think I may have mentioned this in another post, but being pregnant has really brought thoughts of the affair to the forefront for me. I was actually doing some research on this the other day, and yeah, events and memories from the various points of the affair will resurface and cause major setbacks for recovery. I feel so bad because I don't want to think about this, and Jerry hasn't done anything to make me think anything at all. In fact, he's been pretty great about everything, but I'm serious when I tell you it is because I'm pregnant again and now everything makes me think about and compare things to when I was pregnant the first time. And the first time, in mid-December, I learned about the affair. So, now I look back and think about the signs and what I missed and how I didn't know.

On Friday night, we had a wonderful night. Maddy stayed with my parents, and we went out to dinner and shopping together and then just snuggled on the couch for a while before heading up to bed. We had some fun in bed, and then I made this comment about how we've been messing around SO much more this pregnancy than we ever did the first time. And all of a sudden the thoughts came on like a flood about why... I totally didn't mean to ruin our moment or our evening, but his comment about feeling bad was the last thing he said before he fell asleep and I laid there for a while feeling like an idiot for ruining our nice night for nothing. It makes me really angry at her. I still cannot comprehend how any woman could ever sleep with a man KNOWING he was married and KNOWING his wife was pregnant??? Let alone when the wife is your friend/soon-to-be sister-in-law! Seriously, she is a sick messed up bitch who is running around the streets unmedicated and without psychiatric treatment which she desperately needs! She is the textbook definition of mental illness in the walking human form. Yes, before you go thinking it, I am still angry at Jerry too. Angry that he couldn't control his hormones that he could so easily lie to me for so long and that he could actually do something so cruel to me, but we've hashed out a lot about the "why's" for him and I have a clear insight about that, and I do know that a great deal of it started at her invitation. (I have actual email proof of this, not just Jerry's word) She was a fucking psychotic whore that truly wanted to take away my life and make it her own. I firmly believe that she never really loved my brother, but rather used him in her plot to get some kind-of fantasy world life that she would steal from me. Yes, she is messed up enough to plot and scheme and do this for several years if she thought the outcome would be what she really wanted.

So, enough of this. I am hoping this post can be therapeutic for me and I can stop thinking about this for the next 5 months! Bah! I have absolutely no reason to dwell on this. Jerry and I have a beautiful daughter and our marriage is great and we are about to have another wonderful child. I need to focus on this time and the now, and STOP obsessing about the past!. End of discussion.

Something Fun

ABC of me...
[A is for age:] 27
[B is for bread of choice:] White
[C is for favorite candy:] Kit Kat
[D is for your fave Disney character's name:] Cinderella
[E is for essential items you use everyday] Blackberry
[F is for favorite song at the moment:] Tim McGraw "My Little Girl"
[G is for favorite game:] Corn Hole
[H is for hometown:] Brunswick
[I is for instruments you play:] Clarinet
[J is for jam or jelly you like:] None
[K is for kids:] 1 and 1 on the way
[L is for last kiss:] Jerry this morning
[M is for your dad's and mom's jobs:] Engineer & Accountant
[N is for name of your first crush:] Rudy Comer
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] 2005 when Maddy was born, 1993 car accident
[P is for phobias:] Clausterphobic
[Q is for quotes you like:] Lots
[R is your relationship that lasted the longest]: Married to Jerry for 4 1/2 years, but together for 12
[S is for sugary or salty - which one?: Sugary
[T is for time you wake up:] 5:45 a.m.
[U is for underwear:] Right now, it's lovely maternity underwear
[V is for vegetables you love]: Absolutely none.
[W is for worst habit:] texting on my blackberry while driving
[X is for x-rays you've had:] My femur when I broke it in the car accident in 1993.
[Y is for yummy food you make:] Italian Wedding Soup
[Z is for favorite zoo animal:] Monkeys

The Joys of Motherhood

Madeline has hit an incredibly fun age. She is now 18 months old, and she is absolutely hilarious. She has a few new "tricks" that she is doing these days that just bring a big old smile to my face:

If you ask her "how does a ghost go" she will cover her eyes and then do a really fast, surprise "Boo!" It's so funny because she says "boo" with a little southern twang for some reason. Too cute!

She is also all about "eskimo kisses" or rubbing noses. She will come up and climb in your lap just to do that. Melts your heart.

She says the word "dude." Cracks me up every time.

She likes to "swim" in the bath tub when the water is going out. She lays on her back and swishes her head back and forth and kicks her feet. Have no idea why or where this idea came from.

She thinks her potty chair is a great toy box and/or place to hide things.

We are on a continuous rotation of DVD's these days: Nemo, "Mermaid," and Madagascar. Her Shrek addiction seems to have died down.

I think the best part now though is that she has definite opinions about what she wants to eat, what she wants to do, who she wants to hold her or give her a bath. She will tell you too. It's so funny to see her assert herself. Sometimes she actually has an opinion about her clothes, which tells me I am in for some fun days ahead.

She is very good and saying "no." Especially when she is sitting in time out and I ask her if she is sorry or if she is going to behave now, "No, mom, No." Nice. 18 months old and already a rebel!

Anyhow, she is such a trip and I just love watching her figure things out on her own and form her own opinions and ideas. It's amazing. It really makes me look forward to the new little one and doing it all over again.

Will it ever stop?

The title of this post could really lead me in several directions - work, home, etc., but really what is on my mind that I haven't/can't talk to anyone about is the whole Tracy (Ex-psycho-in-law) situation. You see, lately I have been thinking about her and all that she did more than ever - for several reasons. One, I'm pregnant again, so I constantly think about when I was pregnant with Maddy and how this one compares, which means I think about the fact that Jer was cheating on me at this time in that pregnancy and I didn't even know it, and so I think back now on the opportunities they had and the when's and where's of how they were hooking up. Like, I remember when I was 11 weeks pregnant with Maddy I went to LA for work, and I'm sure they had some fun then. I remember this really weird moment at my aunt's chili dinner in early October when I was pregnant with Maddy, when I saw the two of them talking from a distance and then smile at each other, which was weird and I had this gut feeling something was weird and I even made some sarcastic comment about it and he got all irate about how I could possibly think that. I remember that the Thursday before I found out, I was driving home from work and for some reason the thought crossed my mind that those two could really be doing something and I would never know - I obsessed the whole ride home about it, and then said to myself, there is no way he would ever do that. And I felt guilty when I got home, because he was all dressed nice and had on cologne and I said, "Oh, where are you going? To see your girlfriend?" and he said, "No, I'm going to go shopping for you for your Christmas presants." Well, it turns out, that they were planning to meet up that night, but something came up with my brother and she couldn't meet him, so he went shopping instead out of guilt. I remember all of these things, and these times, and it makes me ache all over. One really vivid memory is of a conversation I had with her once in my kitchen. Jerry and my brother were watching something on TV, and Jerry made a comment about some hot chick on the show, and she asked me why stuff like that didn't bother me, and I looked her straight in the face and I said, "Because I know it doesn't mean anything. He would never cheat on me or anything. I just trust him like that." And now, I think how hard she must've been laughing inside. What an idiot I was.

It has been exactly one year since I found out about the credit card shit too, which is another reason I think about her, because I think back to this time last year and what we were going through... Thinking it might be her, but not knowing for sure, and feeling bad for accusing her and listening to her lie to us all for weeks, until MBNA called to confirm that it was her. I was home for a few weeks, at this time last year, in between leaving my old job and starting this one. Maddy had just started crawling, she had cut her first tooth, and she said "Mama" for the first time while I was home. My brother moved in with my parents. They didn't even get their wedding pictures back before he moved out.

I think about their wedding, and realize now that I should've known it wouldn't work out. I remember sitting in the limo at the far end with the groomsmen (Jerry and a few of my brother's fraternity brothers) and they were taking bets on how long it would last and how many fights they would have just on their wedding day. How wrong is that? On our limo ride, on our wedding day, Jerry's groomsmen were massaging my feet and telling me I was beautiful and how lucky Jerry was... Everyone got really drunk and my brother's wedding, including me, I think because the day wasn't about a happy couple or a strong marriage, it was a really expensive party that cost everyone a fortune for no reason. I feel so bad for my brother. When the wedding pictures did come back, she sent some to my mom. There is this picture, it's in a drawer in my parents' den now, of my brother holding her ring with this big smile on his face and he looks so happy... I haven't seen that smile since that day, and it breaks my heart.

And the really ironic thing is that even though I know how awful she is and how much she hurt my whole family, there are days when I miss her, because before I knew about all the BS, for 7 1/2 years, she was my friend. She stamped with me, the four of us went out together, she helped with every party and every family event. And I think this "missing her" mentality has been worse since my brother got this new girlfriend that is horrible.

This new girl is so young and naive, and she has no respect for herself and she has no idea how to be a good mother. Her 3 year old daughter is a nightmare, and this chick is just clueless. I so badly want to pull her aside and tell her to wake up and make some changes if she really wants to be with my brother and have my family semi-support the relationship, but it is not my place to do so. I don't want to make her my friend. I'm not ready to go down that road again, and I don't know if I ever will be.

I would give anything, ANYTHING, for one drive home, one drive to work, one minute when I'm home alone, that I do NOT think about Tracy and the affair. This December will be 2 years since I found out, and I still check the cell phone bills, and I still doublecheck his plans and have a hard time with it all. I just have to wonder if it will ever stop... if after I have the baby, and these pregnancy hormones die down it will get better (because, honestly it was WAY better before I was pregnant again, I was well on my way to getting past it). I've got 6 more months to go, and like I said, I would give ANYTHING for just one day without these thoughts and questions running through my mind!

Sorry

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything, but it's been a little busy in my world. Last week I was in NYC for three days for work, and I've been catching up ever since.

Tuesday was my 12 week doctor visit. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Very reassuring and brought a big smile to my face. Maddy also had her 18-month well visit on Tuesday. She's tall and skinny, which is hilarious considering the stature of her parents! She is in the 30% for weight and 75% for height!

Work is still insane. I can't even begin to tell you how crazy it has been.

At home, we are in the middle of building a deck, putting in a stone patio and having our grass put in. Jerry is really busy with all of that. Stuff is being delivered today and tomorrow, and he's going to be tied up all weekend.

Had stamping last night, and the second group comes tonight. Love this time of year because all the projects I did are Halloween and really fun.

Oh well, I've gotta run. I've got a million things to do today!

Holy Cow

This has probably been the craziest week of my professional life - no joke. I had started writing a post earlier in the week about how crazy things were, but I'm glad I held off because I never thought in a million years they could actually get this bad...

So, I had two "crises" happen here in two days and for anyone in PR, you know what a "crisis" can do to your day! On Tuesday, I had 45 minutes to write a press release and send it to a SVP! Today, yet another emergency press release that is currently being reviewed by a million people and absolutely must go out on Monday morning (despite the fact that they decided we needed to do this last night). I have been on my cell phone and answering pages every night this week - including several in the middle of the night concerning car accidents and child poisonings. I have coordinated 2 video shoots, and am finalizing all the details for a NYC trip on Tuesday! Oh yeah, and I am coordinating the efforts to compile the answers to a 35-page killer survey that we have to send in on the 26th for critical rankings... Totally couldn't be any busier, possibly. Oh, and did I mention we are in the middle of our 3-day radiothon and that I have to come in and work tomorrow because we have a TV station broadcasting live for 2 hours! I LOVE MY JOB.

I have been absolutely exhausted every night, and things are not going to slow down until the 26th, which I am taking as a vacation day because I have my next dr. appt. and Maddy has a well visit also that morning. We will be taking a major nap that afternoon!

Have a great weekend! Jer, Maddy and I are off to enjoy a high school football game tonight (to watch Jer's cousin play).

Family Drama Continues

Alright so many of you know I've had a lot of drama involving my brother in recent months, well the saga continues...

For the last several months my brother had been living in an apartment with my recently-divorced uncle. The apartment was small and crappy and above a dive, hole-in-the-wall bar, but it meant that brother didn't have to live with my parents and my uncle had a roof over his head as well. OK, fine.

I should also mention that my uncle was recently-divorced because he is a raging alcoholic and pain killer addict. So, yeah. Alcoholic rents apartment above a bar. Nice.

Now, I also need to tell you that my brother has a dog - a pug. And, that he's got a new girlfriend that he's spending an awful lot of time with...

Apparently on Thursday night, the dog shit in my uncle's bed and when my brother got home, my uncle started yelling (rightfully so); however, he was loaded and got physical with my brother (which is not ok). So, my brother locked himself in his room and called my dad.

My dad came and moved my brother back in with my parents.

So now, there is a lot of family drama around all of these events.

First, my uncle cannot afford to live in the apartment by himself and now has to find a new place to live or a new roommate. My grandmother hands-down says he is NOT moving in with them. My uncle and my brother are not speaking to each other, which put a little rift into my cousin's birthday party on Saturday.

Now, this also means more stress for my mom, because my brother and his dog are now living with her again. The dog sheds and barks a lot, and my mom is a total neat freak. And it's already driving her nuts (again). My brother's new girlfriend is also a source of tension, as she is a little rough around the edges and has a three year old little girl, named Maddie. None of us are big fans, and actually really oppose the relationship, but he is already heads-in with it, and sees her like every single day.

The other big problem is that he's talking about buying a house with this girl, whom he has known for all of two months, which is just ridiculous for so many reasons. Primary reason #1 is that he owes my parents $15,000!!!! They paid off his credit card debt that the bitch left him with and paid for his DUI mess. He cannot afford a house. And then of course there is the issue of the committment a house requires... But anyhow, this is all causing great stress for my mom, which of course is what I hear about.

Now, all of this wouldn't be so bad if you could have a rational conversation with my brother about all of these things, but of course you can't, because he just freaks out and gets hyper-defensive.

So - drama continues.

And you know what kills me? It all started with that stupid psycho bitch!!!

So Different

I'm only 8 weeks along and already this pregnancy is so different than the first. When I was pregnant with Maddy, being pregnant consumed me. It was all I thought about. The pregnancy was everything, and I think because of that I didn't notice the signs of the affair. I say this in retrospect because now that I'm pregnant again, one of the big differences this time is Jerry, and the way he's been to me and about this baby. He's much more attentive and in-tune with me this time, even though I'm not as caught up in the pregnancy. I just think back and realize how blinded I was to everything.

I go back and re-read the journal I kept during my pregnancy with Maddy, and there are so many entries about how I thought something was wrong with Jerry and all these things I was doing to be nicer to him and wondering what was wrong with me. I remember so many things he said to me, that now I can't believe I didn't see it.

It really makes me sick to my stomach to think that even though he knew we were having a baby, and even when he knew it was a girl, and when she had a name, and everything that he still continued to see her.

Finding out made me question whether or not I knew him at all, and now that I look back on everything, I did know him and if I had been a little less caught up in myself and the baby, I would've seen it. Because seriously, I can't quite explain it in words, but this time around he is just so different. And I haven't said anything or brought any of this up at all. It's just his reactions this time, so much better.

Madeline's reaction to all of this that she now thinks my belly button is also called a "baby." When you ask her "where's mommy's baby?" she will lift up my shirt and point to my belly button. It's rather cute. Having her and playing with her is what consumes me, and this pregnancy is kind-of second nature to that. I think because right now all I'm dealing with are the horrible hormonal side effects - nauseous, headaches, fatigue.

Anyhow, some random ramblings. But the feelings this time on many fronts are just so different.

Nauseous to the Depths of My Soul

I have been horribly horribly nauseous since Thursday. Won't go away no matter what I do, and eating only seems to make it worse. I haven't wanted to do much of anything (including work) at all because I have felt so bad. I seem to be slightly, just slightly, better this morning, but ugh... I was never this bad with Maddy.

Doctor Visit

Had the first doctor visit yesterday. Went ok. They took 4 tubes of blood, and now I have a monstrous bruise on my arm. My official due date is April 7th. I will be having a scheduled c-section this time (my choice). I go back again in two weeks (for the 8 week check-up) and then after that it will be every 4 weeks for a while. Jer and Maddy came with me. Maddy was awful. She didn't want to sit still and eventually Jer took her out to the car and fed her some fruit snacks while I finished up.

Jer is having an EKG today and a chest x-ray and some blood work done today. It's all precautionary/preventative. Just to make sure there's nothing major going on. They are also testing his uric acid levels to see how his gout is doing. Poor guy. He's pretty freaked out about it all. He's supposed to call later and let me know how things go.

Oh well, back to the grind. I'll keep you posted on all fronts...

Thanks Honey

Alright so last week, my hubby was trying to be all sweet and nice because he knew I was feeling pretty crappy. (This pregnancy is so different from Maddy - I am so tired all the time no matter how much I sleep) So, he bought me flowers, which was really sweet. And then on Thursday, he "did all this laundry" for me. I was ecstatic about this when I walked in the door and he told me. Woo-hoo! I had this mountain and it was so overdue, but I just had been too tired. I was so happy UNTIL I walked upstairs into our bedroom and saw IT.

The mountain of dirty clothes was now the mountain of clean clothes in the middle of our bedroom floor!!! Ugh. He said, "all you have to do is fold them and put them away." Yeah, ok. I had stamping that night and I was already tired and looking forward a quick nap before people starting coming. I was so pissed.

I'm not talking like 2 loads of clothes. We're talking like 6-7 loads, and it wasn't just my laundry. This was his clothes, Maddy's clothes, towels, everything...

Please tell me how this helps me? He did the "fun" part of laundry, and left the rest for me.

But, did I complain or say one word to him about it? No. I just said, "Thanks, honey."

Maddy Things

Being pregnant again has really made me appreciate how Madeline has come, and how far I have come as a mother, in just these last 16 months.

Madeline can now point out when asked a cow, a zebra, monkey, elephant, giraffe, snake, pigs, bunnies, birds, and fish. She has several books with all of these animals in them, and it is her favorite game now - she absolutely gets giddy from the praise when she is correct.

She knows every single Sesame Street character, and can show you who's who.

She can call you that a cow goes, "Mmmmm." And a dog pants, not barks (she will stick her tongue out and everything). She will raise her arm like an elephant truck and try to make an elephant sound that sounds more like a fart.

She thinks farts are very funny. She will force herself to fart and laugh outloud.

If you ask Madeline if she is going to be a big sister, she will give you this huge grin that cracks me up everytime, but if you ask her if she wants mommy to have another baby, you will get a full body shaking no.

She has taken to walking on her tiptoes all the time now.

She is an absolute fish in the water - loves it. And as a result is a total Coppertone kid. White butt and all.

She gives big squeeze hugs, which I adore, and will give kisses without being prompted :)

She gets very upset if we don't play "her" music in the car and will point at the radio with a loud screech until the specific song she wants on is playing.

Madeline is absolutely fascinated with rocks. Anywhere and everywhere if there is a rock, she will find it and accordingly throw it, pick it up and throw it again, and again.

She is not shy at all, and waives hello to everyone she passes and flashes those big blues with an even bigger smile.

Yesterday, my aunt brought us an ice cream cake that said "Congratulations Mandy, Jerry and Maddy," and it had pink and blue flowers on it. Madeline devoured all the blue flowers and is now a permanently stained smurf.

She is so damn cute. I can't even put it into words, and I am just having a hard time imagining how I will contain myself if the new baby is half as much fun!

We went grocery shopping on Saturday, and Maddy was all about being a big helper. Everything I put in the cart, she grabbed and checked it out for a few minutes and then threw it back in... she had to make sure we were buying all the right things. And when she saw Shrek fruit snacks on the shelf, she freaked out by letting out the biggest, "OOOOOOHHHHHH," I have ever heard. She held onto the box through the rest of our shopping trip. Then, when we went to check-out she helped put all the stuff up on the conveyor belt, and clapped when we were all done. She waived good-bye to the cashier and gave her mama a big kiss on the way out! Now, if only she can stay this way....

Work Function

Horror story from last night:

I had to attend this work function last night, a big fancy cocktails/dinner type deal. I absolutely hate these types of things - these are my big social situation fear, especially when you don't know too many people. See there were a lot of people from the hospital there that I know; however, the majority of the guests were these bigwig donors (like multi-millionaires). Everyone was sipping their colorful cocktails, and I kind-of panicked because it was one of those events where the drinks were brought around by cute little waitresses, and since I can't drink, I just kind-of stood around feeling a little awkward. There were some people who spoke and there was entertainment, and that was really nice. There was a fountain in the middle of the floor, and some lady fell in! That was kinda funny, especially because she was some fancy rich lady and she was drenched from head to toe.

Now, I hate "mingling" and will usually cling to a small group or at least one person that I know. Well, that wasn't really possible at this event and I kind-of got nervous and just keep walking all over the place.

Then it was time for dinner, and I don't even know what they were serving but the smell of it made me want to puke everywhere, so I decided I should just take off. I had stayed for the formal festivities and I felt completely out of place, so I found my purse, handed over my valet ticket and took off...

Oh wait, I forgot a really funny part... I have to park like a million miles away from my office at work, so last night I was heading out the parking garage and then going to the party. Well, I changed into my comfy flipflops for the walk to the parking garage. I got to the party, started to get out of the car for the valet to park it, when I realized I still had my flipflops on. Had to like intervene quickly and steel my heels out of the car before the valet took off. Slightly embarassing, but I don't think anyone really saw me.

Those kinds of things just are not my cup of tea. Sure the place was gorgeous with an absolutely amazing view of the lake, and yeah, everything was all fancy and fun. But the people. I just felt so out of place. I cannot "schmooze" very well, and just going up to random people and introducing yourself just doesn't feel right to me.

And yeah, I'm not really telling people at work that I'm pregnant for a LONG time and so I didn't want to end up getting sick there. I think all in all leaving was the best decision.

Incredibly Tired

This pregnancy is already so completely different than with Maddy. With Maddy my first symptoms were totally exhaustion (which is true with this one as well), incredibly sore boobs and just feeling a little "weird." Now, this time, my boobs are doing alright, but I have all this extra saliva going on and it's driving me insane. I had a little bit of this with Maddy, but not until later in the pregnancy. This stupid symptom is what made my hunch I was pregnant pretty strong. This constant swallowing and wanting to just drool is really annoying, especially at night when I'm trying to sleep and it's all I can think about. Ugh.

On a positive note, this time around I know more of what to expect. It's easier to feel the signs now, and I'm so much more in tune with my body. It's so weird, but I just knew the instant we conceived. We both did, and said as much to each other. I never expected that - to "just know." I didn't want to jinx it, and I was afraid the whole time to get my hopes up, but my gut was screaming that I was... And I am, which is fabulous EXCEPT that I am having a really hard time waking up in the morning. I am SO INCREDIBLY TIRED. Even now, after I've been at work for nearly two hours, I can barely keep my eyes open.

I feel like I took a sleeping pill or something before I went to bed, instead of that pesky prenatal vitamin that makes me burp like a man. I have had this feeling off and on all week.

Mommy x2

Woo-hoo! I'm officially allowed to tell the world now that yes, we are pregnant again!!!!! So lucky and blessed to have had it happen so quickly. We are due April 8th. I go to the doctor on the 16th.

I have to run to a meeting now, but just wanted to share the news!

The Anniversary

Taking a look at the calendar I realized that my brother's first wedding anniversary would have been this coming weekend. I'm worried about him and how he will handle this day. A big part of me wants to send her a big "fuck you" card for the occasion, but instead I will suck it up and keep my thoughts to myself. I may have said it before, but my only comfort is knowing she will burn in hell one day.

My brother has taken to dating some nasty chicks lately. Ugh. Seriously, I don't know what he's thinking. He's a pretty good looking guy, but these girls are just nasty and the last two have had kids. Now, not that having kids is a bad thing, but all that baggage is the last thing he needs to deal with after what he's been through! I don't know what to do with him... I wish I knew a decent girl to hook him up with, but I don't. I think the problem is that he has no confidence. He doesn't think he can do better, which scares me, because if you saw these chicks... ugh.

I can't remember if I posted about this story or not, but if I did, I apologize. A couple weeks ago, I stopped by to pick him up to bring him to my house so he could ride with Jer to a softball game (remember he only has work driving privileges due to DUI). I was a few minutes early. I had tried to call him, but he didn't answer his cell. So, I knock on the door and he doesn't answer. I can hear Dexter going crazy, so I just open the door. I stand there for a minute, but he still doesn't come out. I look and see this chick's flip flops on the floor and it dawns on me what I have just walked in on... Oh yeah, nice. My brother was in the bedroom with this skanky chick. A few minutes later they walk out, and she's wearing my brother's clothes. Awkward and awful. And so, I now call this chick (when I'm referencing her to anyone else) the "skanky ho."

So, now do you understand why I need to find him a normal decent girl?

31 days and counting...

So it's day 31 of my cycle, and still no period. Which is a great sign of pregnancy, except when your cycles average 30-32 days. I took a test on Saturday, and it was negative, but when I was pregnant with Maddy, I took two negative pregnancy tests before I finally took a positive one. I think that my hcg levels must elevate slow or something, but no matter what I have decided that I will not take another test until Thursday morning (unless of course I get my period in the next couple of days).

I didn't ovulate until day 19, and everything I've read said a test should be positive around two weeks after ovulation, so that would be Wednesday. So, I'm thinking Thursday morning would be safe.

Anyhow, so I'm hoping/praying that the period never comes...

Oh the Agony!

This waiting is killing me. I think I might be, but then I'm afraid to get my hopes up. There are weird things going on with me, but are they pregnancy symptoms or is it just my imagination?

The earliest I could potentially test positive is tomorrow, but that's pretty early and with Madeline I took two negative tests before I finally took a positive one a few days later. So, now I'm all debating about what to do. I will probably take a test in the morning, simply because the waiting is just too much, but if it's negative, I'll hold off until later next week to test again, unless of course my period comes and ruins it all :)

I just can't handle too much more of this...

Waiting...

Alright, so I ended up ovulating Weds/Thurs. Now, I have to sit back and wait for like 2 weeks! How am I supposed to function - wondering whether I'm pregnant or not?! I don't want to jinx it, but I really think that it worked... Just a weird "I know my body" kinda vibe, and you know since this is the second time around, I have what I felt and went through with Maddy to guide my judgment... Now, if my gut is totally wrong, ok fine. So much for intuition, but I really do feel like we might have gotten lucky. I'll keep you posted.

The weekend was pretty good. Friday we took Maddy up to this horse show near my mom's house, and she freaked out she loved the horses so much. It was cute. On Saturday, we watched Jenna most of the day. She and Maddy had a wonderful time playing together. We took them to the mall and they were really good. It definitely gave us a taste of what it will be like with two kids - and we couldn't be more excited!

I asked Maddy last night if she wanted mommy to have another baby, and I got the whole-body-shaking yes with a big smile. It was so darn cute. Now, it's just waiting to see if we are...

"Baby-Making"

So the "baby-making" is not quite going as planned... You see the ovulation factor is a little off. According to every calculator I can find on the internet and the chart in the ovulation kit box, I should've ovulated sometime between Thursday and yesterday. Well, no such luck. At least according to my temperature monitoring and the predictor tests. I think, if I'm reading the test right, that today is the day. So, we'll try tonight and see what happens.

I don't know. Of course for years and years and even recent months the cycle was pretty much like clockwork. The last two months though have been really long cycles, so who knows what's going on and why I'm ovulating so late. Bah. So damn annoying.

Jerry and I had this really hilarious conversation about this whole process the other night, but it all came after a big fight.

I was extremely pissed at him on Sunday because he decided that on Sunday he was going to have his whole family weigh-in on their thoughts about us having another baby. He proceeded to tell them that it was the "time" for us and embarass the shit out of me. So, then we had everyone offering to keep Maddy and all this BS. I was so mad.

Anyhow, the gist of it all was that he's excited about this "project" and he really does want to have another baby. You see, when we got home Sunday, I told him to forget the whole thing because I didn't want to push the issue with him. He said there are three things I should know, 1. He really does want another baby. 2. He's not going to fight it because he knows I'll just pout until I get my way, which I always do. 3. All he really wants is for me to be happy, and if I think it's the right time and it's what I want, then he's on board.

Ahhh.... So, if I could just get my cycle on track and really ovulate and make a baby, I'd be in heaven!

Counting Down the Minutes

So, this week I'm becoming obsessed with the baby planning situation because my most fertile days are slated for Thursday - Tuesday. I have started tracking my temp., and will start the ovulation tests tomorrow morning. I am counting down the minutes to ovulation, because I am so excited to officially start "trying."

When we were trying to have Maddy I kept a journal from the month before conception through birth, and have started doing the same this time.

Jerry of course knows none of this, and I plan to keep it that way. He wants no part of the obsessive planner Mandy that emerges when there is a goal at hand...

Please note - I will not become hysterically upset if this does not happen right away. I would be happy with a baby due date anytime in the spring/early summer, so anytime in the next few months would be great. Now, that is not to say that I wouldn't be completely ecstatic if it happens right away, but there is no need to fret if it takes a little longer than it did with Maddy.

The last time I was all freaked out about how old Maddy would be before we had to leave her with Jer's mom, and how that whole scenario would play out, but now that I know how things are and will be, I'm much more comfortable on the whole topic. She's been really great about playing by my rules and respecting my place as "mom."

Now, I'd like to kill Jerry's grandma sometimes, because she drives me up the fucking wall - no joke. Whenever a baby is upset, she thinks they need to eat. She's constantly telling me what "Maddy wants," yogurt, some more fruit, milk, cheesy potatoes. It's crazy. She thinks because she sees them a few times a week she knows them better than SIL or I do, which is nuts. We just do our best to tune her out...

So this weekend is prime conception time, and of course, it's another busy weekend. Friday night we have some friends coming over, and Saturday we are going to Columbus to visit my friend and her twin girls.

Action-Packed Weekend

TGIF! This week has just dragged on and on... Anyhow, despite the slow week I know that the weekend is going to fly by! Tonight I am going to see the Wicked musical. We've got dress circle seats (the best you can get) and I'm super excited about it! Jer is NOT going. I wouldn't dream of wasting something like that on him - he has no appreciation for the arts. My mom, grandma, cousin and my Uncle Mark are going with me. We're going out to dinner first and then to the show. Tomorrow Jer and I are going to a wedding - stamping customer of mine and co-worker of Jerry. Probably going to be pretty upity-up wedding. We'll see. Sunday not much going on, but I might make my mom go see The Devil Wears Prada with me. I really want to see it; however, I also want to spend some time with Maddy because I'm not going to see her very much the rest of the weekend. Might have to postpone the movie until next week.

Oh well, I'm heading off to eat lunch. Have a great weekend!

Damn Crabby

Today I am damn crabby. I don't really know why, but I do know the things that I want to bitch about that are bothering me because I'm crabby...

The tone of voice my husband has taken to using with me lately. Can't stand it. He needs to stop - I am not one of his students and I am not his servant and I am not going to tolerate this shitty demanding tone anymore! Bah!

I want to be pregnant again. Really bad. Every freakin' bone in my body is screaming at me that we're ready. Now, I need this never-ending period to GO AWAY. Day 5 and there is no end in site. Bah! I want to be ovulating already. I've got this little ovulation predictor kits all ready and waiting to go. The days aren't going fast enough, and I know I'm going to freak out if it doesn't happen right away. And spare me the speech about this - I know the drill. I just don't have any patience - never have and probably never will. August would actually be a better month to get pregnant, but I want another baby NOW. (Flashes of that song in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with that lunatic girl and her dad and the golden egg thing - yeah, I'm feeling a little like that today).

I'm not going to get to see Madeline after tonight until Sunday! Bah! Tomorrow night is her grandma night with my mom, and then Friday night Jer will have her while I go see Wicked, and then Saturday night my mom is keeping her again because we have a wedding to go to. This makes me sad, because she is so darn fun and adorable and sweet.
SIDE STORY: Saturday night we were hanging out at my mom's and then Maddy went to sleep in the pack and play, and I stayed a lot longer. I was just going to leave her there, but I couldn't do it. My heart wouldn't let me. I wanted to make her breakfast in the morning and take her morning nap with her, so I woke her up and loaded her up and took her home. Gotta love those mommy instincts!

Oh well, I better get my crabby self back to work! Hope you have a better day than I'm having!

The Insane Month of June

So I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I have to tell you that June is always the most insane month of the year for me... Our anniversary, my mom's birthday, Father's Day, my birthday, graduation parties, family reunion, end of the stamping year, etc. And of course, this year has been no different. Things have been nuts, but good.

Our anniversary was ok. He didn't get me a card or anything, but he did tell me to go get the pedicure I've been telling him I desperately needed. We went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner, which was great, and we had a couple of really nice nights alone (while my mom had Madeline).

This past weekend was our family reunion... Now here's where the fun posting begins... So it all started on Friday night with a trip to a local winery. Now, I don't know how many of you out there would ever consider bringing young children to a winery, but trust me when I tell you this was not a good idea. I was smart and had Madeline spend the night at my MIL's, but my uncle brought my cousin and my other uncle brought his two grandchildren, and the beautiful view and delicious wine were really not at all as enjoyable with them running around asking when it was time to go home. The other bad part of the evening was that my one cousin was running the show - planned this little outing. Didn't order the pizza ahead of time, didn't bring any plates/silverware for the pizza, didn't bring any cheese or anything, and didn't reserve tables ahead of time. Oh, and she brought cheesecake but not enough for everyone. Please tell me how people can be so bad at planning events?! So, ok, fine. I head home, and I'm all sleeping and everything when the phone rings at 2:30 in the morning - those late night phone calls are NEVER EVER good.

Yeah, it was the State Highway Patrol. My brother, you know the luckiest guy in the world, got a DUI. They were calling my house because my dad had spent the night with us (while my mom stayed with her cousins to help set up for the reunion activities on Saturday). Well, long story short, my brother's car got towed and they spent much of Saturday tracking it down and getting it home. My brother cannot drive for 15 days (he went to court on Monday). He plead not guilty - there's actually some controversy around the ticket and he's got a lawyer and the whole bit - and now he's waiting for another court date. On top of all that, he's got a staff infection on one side of his face and on his ass! Imagine that. The doctor told him it's stress-related. Poor guy. So, Jerry's been helping drive him to and from work this week. Totally sucks.

So, back to the reunion... Saturday was a big luau picnic day. Really nice park and pretty fun, EXCEPT Madeline decided to get sick and have "poop through her clothes every 5 seconds" diarrhea and something at the park set on an allergy attack for me so bad that we had to leave because I couldn't breathe. Nice.

So, Sunday was pretty uneventful - brunch, said good-byes and celebrated Father's Day.

Then, Monday morning at about 5 a.m. I woke up to take some Tums for what I thought was massive heartburn. Turns out Jerry was downstairs and had been up all night feeling nauseous also. About 20 minutes later, we were both in separate bathrooms puking our guts out. Puking turned to shitting, which turned into feeling like someone ran us over with a mac truck, which turned into drenched with sweat fevers and chills, which turned to a headache, which turned us back to our normal selves. We were both sick for two days. Turns out that nasty stomach bug had also hit one of my cousins at the same time, and then within 24 hours of our first bout of puking, my niece, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, my brother-in-law, my mom, two more cousins, and Jer's cousin all had contracted the vicious virus. Once again, nice.

So, when I returned to work yesterday, after being out for 2 days, my damn phonemail doesn't work - it says my extension is invalid. So, I call the lady that is supposed to fix this problem is on vacation. So, I spent the first hour of my day tracking down some guy who proceeds to tell me that my phonemail was erased. So, I have to re-set it all up and I have no idea who called while I was out. Nice.

To top off this lovely post, I will tell you that this weekend is my birthday and do you know how I get to spend it? Well, we are leaving tomorrow at 6 a.m. to drive for 8 hours in the car with both Madeline and Jenna to North Carolina so we can sleep in a hotel room with my SIL and BIL and Jenna to be there on Saturday for Jer's cousin's graduation party and then spend another night in the hotel to turn around and drive 8 hours home on Sunday (my actual birthday). Oh, and then when we get home, I have to run up to the softball field and play 2 games for BIL's co-ed team because they won't have enough girls. Nice. Happy fucking birthday.

I hope you all are having a much more enjoyable June than I!

Random Thoughts

Well, this week on Thursday is our four year wedding anniversary. It's amazing to me how much has changed in that time. This week four years ago, Jerry and I were living in my parents old basement waiting for our first house to be completed. We were running around preparing for the wedding. I was so confident in our relationship and so sure that everything was perfect between us. We took those vows and I just thought that was it - everything would be great. Ha! I had no idea how much we would have to fight to get to this point and all the things we would go through in such a short amount of time. I'm glad though, because we're stronger for it, and it is totally the nature of our relationship - wise beyond our years and taking the fast track to everything.

We're supposed to go out on Friday to celebrate. I have no idea where/what we're doing, but hopefully it will be something nice.

Maddy has a bad cough and is sick. Poor baby.

It's Jer's last week of school. He'll be home with Maddy starting Monday. Big switch in the routine... We'll see.

I joined a gym. I've been there 3 times (last week), and will be going four days a week from now on.

Gotta run to work.

Friends

Jerry's college roommate (DS) is one of my best friends. He and his wife are so amazing, and we have so much fun with them. We never told them about the affair and/or what we were going through during that time. I didn't want to tell DS for fear of ruining his friendship with Jer (knowing full-well that DS would go ballistic on Jer for what he did), but for some odd reason DS and I started emailing back and forth today and it kind-of came out. I think it's a good thing he knows, and that it's been so long now that it's hard to really get too upset about it, but DS and I have become really good friends lately, and I've wanted him to know for a while now. I think partly because DS has always been really good about reminding Jerry of how good he has it and telling me how great I am (which always makes me feel really good), and I think that it's good for Jer to hear that once in a while.

Jerry is really bad about romance and compliments and all those lovey-dovey things that girls adore, and that's fine. He's been that way the entire time I've known him, but what happens when you don't do those things AND you cheat, you create an incredibly negative situation. DS and his wife have always made Jer and I feel really good. We love going out with them, and we have so much fun with them, and we saw them yesterday and so DS and I started emailing about some future dates for us to get together and the conversation just turned in a weird direction about the way Jerry takes me for granted. I'm not sure how I feel about it all in retrospect... It's weird.

Bottom line - I absolutely adore DS and am super-glad for his friendship and I think he just might help me give Jerry a good swift kick-in-the-ass to try a little harder.

Mommy's Day and other stuff

So my Mommy's Day was rather nice... Jerry bought the carpet and lights for my stamp room for me, and he put it all in already. I'm really excited to get that set up and done. My mom got me an outfit, my in-law's gave me flowers and Bath & Body Works stuff. I spent all day on Saturday with Maddy and had a nice "family day." Then we went to dinner with the in-law's Saturday night. Sunday, we hung out at my grandma's house and had a great dinner with everyone. All in all a great weekend.

This one is shaping up to be a good one, too. Oh wait, back up a second. Forgot to mention that the stupid psychobitch sent my grandma a Mother's Day card to her work! Yeah, wrote all this BS in it about how she's keeping herself busy and all that. What the fuck ever! Like she has any right to be communicating with my poor innocent grandmother! Oh, she has some nerve. I've been debating all week about sending her a bitchy email, but I think it's best if I just don't even let her know she's still pissing me off...

Anyhow, this weekend, we are going to go out downtown tonight and have a little fun with some friends and then tomorrow we are supposed to take Maddy to the zoo (weather-permitted). Should be good.

This week has been extremely hectic. So happy for the weekend.

Gotta run and do some work now. Have a great weekend, all.

The Letters I Write... In My Head

So I find myself writing these letters in my head, the ones I wish I could actually write on paper and send in the mail or at the very least draft into an email... They are all to the psychobitch, and they are all pretty much the same in nature, and there is one thought just always comes to mind...

I take great comfort in knowing that she will eventually burn in hell.

I'm totally not kidding or meaning that in any other sense beside the literally meaning. I know that she will suffer eternal damnation, and I honestly couldn't be happier about it.

When you collectively look at all the sins she has committed and all the people that she has hurt along the way, I truly believe there is no forgiveness that great.

And you know, I'm a Christian. I believe that Jesus died for our sins and all of that; however, I think there comes a time when enough is enough and when you are not living your life as a Christian and at least making an effort not to intentionally hurt people and not to cause pain, and there has to be a point when you're just beyond redemption. I believe that she has reached that point, and sadly, she's only 25 years old.

Looking back... she's had an abortion, she's stolen money, she's committed numerous felonies, she's lied, she's cheated, she slept with a married man, she tried to kill her step dad, and aside from actually murdering someone, I truly don't think there is anything worse she can do. And the worst part of it all, the part that truly assures me she is going to hell, is that she isn't even sorry about any of it!?

Bah. I get so angry and worked up when I think of her.

When I'm not writing the nasty letters in my head, I'm daydreaming about literally beating the shit out of her.

I think it may be time to see a shrink...

Madeline & Mommy

So I just can't seem to get enough of my baby girl these days. I just want to hold her and play with her, and it's all I think about while I'm at work. I think it's partly because she is just too much fun - she cracks me up with the little games she's figured out and how she's learning to tell me just exactly what it is that she wants. She's also learned what "time out" means, and she walks by her little "time out" chair shaking her head "no." Every night she gets this little burst of energy before bed time and she runs around shreaking with delight and laughing, and she jumps up and down and does her "monkey" sound. She wants to read all of her books over and over again. She's so sweet and so much fun.

She and I took a bath together in our big tub on Sunday night, and she just wanted to lay on me and give me hugs. It was probably one of the best moments of motherhood I've ever had.

This desire to hold her and play so much with her is really making me want another baby to share all of this with. Jerry and I are both ready, but we're going to wait until mid-summer to start trying. We'd both really like another spring baby. I really can't wait to be pregnant again.

Being a mom is the most amazing thing in the entire world, and I never imagined it was possible to love something/someone as much as I love Maddy. It's just so hard to even describe, and the happiness she brings to my life is just too much for words!

LeBron James

I meant to post about this yesterday, but never got the time...

Saturday was the Cavs first play-off game since 1998, and well, my boss gave me two tickets to the game in Clear Channel's loge with parking.

It was probably one of the best sporting events I have ever witnessed. (Speaking of witnessed, everyone that came to the game got a Nike T-shirt that said "Witness," with a swoosh underneath.)

Now, I wanted to post about LeBron James because I went into this game kind-of feeling indifferent about him, thinking he was probably just another cocky basketball player, and I have to admit I was extremely surprised by what I saw.

You could tell that he was extremely pumped up about this game, and you could feel his energy in there - he was proud to be in Cleveland and he addressed the crowd with such enthusiasm. It was truly awesome to watch. Seeing the way he interacted with his teammates, and the way he playfully bounces around in preparation for the game. It was amazing, and I have a new found respect for the young b-ball star.

I am rooting for him now - not just to continue on in the play-offs, but I think he deserves the MVP title from the NBA. For as young as he is, to portray such sportsmanship and to really play the part of a role model and instill fun into a professional sport, it is amazing and an incredible asset to their organization.

What do you think about him?

Maddy Update

Madeline is officially 13 months old today. Here are a few things she's doing these days:

She now can answer questions with yes or no nods, but the yes nod involves moving her entire body. It's hysterical!

She's eating like a little piggy - she loves french fries and ketchup. But she's not really a picky eater - she eats a lot of fruits and veggies (bananas and blueberries are her favorites).

She's learning how to run, especially when you're chasing after her.

She knows how to hide - in the closet, in the corner of a room, under a blanket. She cracks up laughing when you find her.

She's 100% bottle-free and loves her "cups."

She can dance - it looks a little like a combination of the chicken dance and a squatting exercise, but it's cute nonetheless.

She absolutely loves two shows on Playhouse Disney - Little Einsteins and Charlie and Lola (yes, we DVR them so she can watch them repeatedly). Although, she doesn't sit and watch TV - she wanders around playing and every once in a while she'll stop to pay attention. She can do the Little Einsteins' "pat, pat, pat, pat... Blastoff!" thing though, and that is priceless.

She can say "Daddy," "Ball," "Bubbles," "Nemo," "Mom," "Papa," "Hi," and a few other words.

She also learned how to "blow" things when they are hot and can "blow out" the candles on a cake (she learned this just a couple of weeks too late!)

She absolutely adores books and flashcards. She wants to read books all the time and brings them to Jerry and I to read to her without prompting. With the flashcards, when we put a few out in front of her she can point to the right ones when we ask, "Which one is the ducky?" or "Where is the bike?" (The cards are first words, objects.)

When people come to see the new house, and we're on the "tour," she walks them into her bathroom and makes sure they follow her in while she points to her "fishy" shower curtain. Then, she will walk out, and make sure they follow her into her bedroom where she tries to rope them into reading books with her. It's too funny.

When she's hungry, she'll go stand by her high chair and point at it. If you ask her if she's hungry, she does the "whole body shake" yes nod.

Anyhow, I think I've rambled on enough. Can you tell I miss her today? I'm happy I have her all to myself tonight - Jerry is going to the Tribe game.

Ready for the Weekend

I'm so happy it's Friday and that I have the weekend now to get some stuff finished up at the house. Jerry actually took today off and his dad is also off and is coming over to help him put in our two ceiling fans. He's also moving our washer and dryer around, hanging a towel bar and going back to the old house to do some cleaning - or so he says. We will see how much really gets done.

Last night was our second "Maddy sleeps at grandma and grandpa's every Thursday," and it was nice. We went to Applebee's for dinner and then to Home Depot for some more crap. Came home and just hung out on the couch for a while and went to bed.

My mom is taking Maddy to visit my great-grandma (yes, Maddy's great-great grandma) today. I'm really happy about that. I have been so bad about making the trip to visit her, and she couldn't come to Maddy's birthday party because she was sick. She was so upset that she missed it, she actually cried. She is such a sweet lady, and she still lives by herself and does everything on her own. Her house is the cleanest house I have ever seen.

Then tonight my grandparents are coming over to see the house, and my parents are coming too, so my dad can hang some more curtains and pictures for me. (Jerry won't let anyone else do it because my dad is so precise and particular with it and does such a good job.)

Anyhow, I've got to get through the day of work first, but I am so ready for the weekend!

Stolen from Another Blogger

I stole this from Mandajuice. Things my husband does that annoy me...

Stays at his mom's house after school every day long enough to time it perfectly to arrive home at the same time I do - thus, never being alone with his daughter and having to change her diaper.

Asks me what I want for dinner, which is never what he wants, and then gets upset because I "never make a decision."

Gets upset when I spend $7 on a shirt at Kohl's, but buys a big screen TV the same day.

Waits until I'm all comfy in bed to decide that he needs to turn on every light in our bedroom to find clothes to wear to work the next day.

Leaves a cup in our bathroom every night, in case he wakes up and needs a drink, but never empties the cup or takes it down stairs the next morning.

Brushes his teeth in the shower.

Eats lunch/dinner food for breakfast, especially if we have leftovers from a restaurant. Fajitas at 7:30 a.m. is disgusting.

He doesn't like dessert, which means if I ever order dessert I look like a big cow and he always laughs about it and points it out (jokingly of course, but still).

The worst thing of all though is when he knows Maddy needs something (her binky, a cup, a snack or whatever) he just always says "Hey Mand, give her FILL IN THE BLANK," he NEVER EVER just gets it for her!!! Bah.

Anyhow, enough grumbling. He is a pretty good husband most of the time - he does his own laundry and cleans up his own messes, he cooks and cleans and all. So, can't complain too much...

Officially Moved

We are officially moved into our new house. We signed the papers last week, and rented the big truck on Friday. Everything we ordered has been delivered and all the clothes are in the closet. Ahhhhh.... Big sigh. Now, we just have to finish hanging up the curtains and pictures, and get the den set up. It looks really nice, and I'm so excited to be in the new house. Of course we have those infamous pieces of "blue tape," where little things need fixed, but for the most part, I'm pretty happy with everything.

I think our overall decor choices were good. I think some things are a bit "trendy," but it looks pretty cool. We've got several of those "leaning" bookshelves going on. Love them. They are my favorite. I spent a lot of time shopping for fun stuff to put on them.

Now, I just need to find some curtains for the formal living room and the den, and I should be set. Good thing too, because the bank accounts are definitely feeling the move.

I'll post some pictures as soon as I've got our computer hooked up at home and can download them from the camera.

Have a good day!

Spots

Poor Madeline is covered head to toe with red spots. When Maddy went for her 1 year check-up they gave her the MMR vaccine, and apparently about 6-12 days after the shot they can develop the rash. Yep, Maddy's got the icky rash. It doesn't itch her or anything, and she's totally her happy self, but she's absolutely covered in spots.

Today is my mom's first official "Grandma Friday." She's now only working four days a week and will be watching Maddy every Friday. She actually picked Maddy up yesterday after work and kept her overnight.

Jerry and I sort-of enjoyed the night without her, but I gotta tell you that moving and packing and still working things out on the offer on our current home is not exactly an environment for a happy couple/blissful marriage. I was extremely crabby when I got home yesterday just because we still have so much to do, and what does he do as soon as my mom walks out the door? Plops his ass in the recliner to watch ESPN.

He says, "Are you gonna stamp Maddy's thank you notes so you can pack up the stamp room?" (He never took his eyes off the TV, and I was already in the middle of stamping.)

I say, "I'm starving. What are we doing for dinner?"

"I don't know. Whatever you want, but I don't have any money."

"Well, we can't eat here. You already packed up all the pots and pans and everything."

"Wherever you want."

"I don't have money either."

He just sits there watching TV, while I have a monstrous headache because I'm hungry and getting crabbier that he's just sitting there watching TV.

Finally, he gets his ass up and puts on a decent shirt and we decide on Mr. Hero (yes, I know what a nutritious dinner). Then, we went to Home Depot. Spent two hours there (no joke). We ordered a ceiling fan and bought a new sink for the new house.

Yeah, Jer hates the sink that comes with the new house. It is really shallow and cheap-looking. So we bought this $220 black slate sink to put in.

This purchase was made by the same man who gave me shit about buying Madeline shoes that properly fit. Insane.

So, when we got home, I finished Maddy's cards and then we spent one of the last few nights possible in our hot tub. That was nice, and was the only thing that finally made my damn headache go away.

Oh well, I better get crackin'. I need to also call and check on the spotted baby Madeline.

Home Improvement Stores

So what the hell is about home improvement stores that makes them the most complicated places in the entire world to find what you need quickly?

We freaking spent 2 1/2 hours at Lowe's last night, and all we left there with was a garage door opener and two packs of overhead light covers. We wanted a ceiling fan there too, but it would've been a special order and taken us another two freaking hours.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, spending nearly 3 hours in Lowe's with a 1 year old little girl IS NOT FUN. Don't get me wrong, she was very well behaved (especially considering we spent two hours at Sears the night before buying a new washer and dryer), but how many times can you push the cart down the paint color aisle and play the "color" game with her? Ya know? It was insane, because we had to wait in every dept. for the right person to come and help us, while every time we drove by the check out lines there were like 80 cashiers standing at the end of the register smiling and waiting for the next customer?! Crazy! I've decided there are always available cashiers because the average trip into one of those stores last 2.24 hours!!!

Blah.

On a happy note, I mentioned we went to Sears on Monday. Well, that's in the mall, so we also took Madeline to see the Easter Bunny. She absolutely loved him. She laughed and waived at him, and she didn't want to get down. She even gave him a kiss good-bye. Too sweet!

"The Other Party"

Just a quick re-cap of the "other" baby girl's first birthday party...

They had like 100 too many people in their house. It was crowded and hot and there were tons and tons of kids running around.

My poor niece wanted nothing to do with her cake, so everyone kept trying to stick her hands and her face in it, and she just looked around the room, like "WTF?"

There were so many gifts, and J-J got cranky and mad and wanted to stop about half way through.

There was a ton of food, but here's the weird kicker... The girl had 4 freaking cakes! One big daisy cake (went with the theme of the party), a free cake from the grocery store?, a little cake for her, and a homemade bear cake with matching daisy cupcakes! It was crazy! On top of all that cake, there were pastries and cookies and oh my gosh way too much crap!!!!

So, not there was a "competition" per se, but I do believe we had a landslide victory in the first birthday category!

A little weird

I think I mentioned a few posts ago that my brother is now dating someone new. Now, I need to preface this with the "I am really happy he is moving on with his life." BUT, I am having a hard time adjusting to all of this. You see the new chick is older than I am, and she has a four year old daughter. She's divorced, but the guy she was married to was not the father of her little girl. She's incredibly sweet and nice, she's mildly cute; however, I think I have a big problem with her because she talks to me like she's "older/wiser" or something. It's annoying. Like at Maddy's party, she kept talking to me about her daughter's party and what it's like as they get older and how she has this fish tank already and blah blah blah. I was bothered. I think I'm bothered by her and the fact that she is older and does have an older child because in my family I am the oldest sibling, the oldest grandchild, etc. and Madeline is the first grandchild/great-grandchild. And with Jerry's family, we're going through everything the same time with Wendy and Jenna. It's just weird for me to hear someone trying to tell me what it's like to be a mom or how it will be as she gets older... I don't know, and I think I have big issues because I really don't trust her, and I barely even know her. I think because of all the shit Tracy put me through it is going to be really hard for me to even attempt to make friends with another girl in his life.

And like I told Jerry last night, as much as I want to move on and forget the Tracy bullshit, it is never ever going to completely go away. Just yesterday afternoon, I had to do a conference call with our new mortgage people and MBNA to confirm the fraudulent shit on my credit report and the fact that the entire account - from application to finally closing the account - was fraudulent. Bah. There are sometimes I just wish I could hunt down that bitch and make her pay, but then it's just like you know what, I don't care anymore. Whatever.

My brother called me last night wanting me to press charges and send her to jail and whatever, but I do not want to put myself or my family through anymore shit because of her. I just can't.

At any rate, it is a little weird for me having this new chick around. I'm not a fan. At least, not yet. I don't know if I ever really will be, but we'll see.

Did I tell you how they met? Yeah, when my brother went to the psycho hospital, she was the nurse from our doctor's office that walked him over to the ER, and then when he went back to the dr. to follow-up about his meds and stuff, she gave him her number. Hmmm... What do you all think about this? Am I just being overly protective and defensive?

Ranting - Bitch Session

So, I'm incredibly crabby today. Crabby because Jerry pissed me off last night with his "master in command" attitude and barking out orders to me. And then he gets all mad because I didn't want to go in the hot tub with him - well, gee, it would be nice to be asked instead of told. Crabby because my blackberry got all screwed up for some reason and I spent an hour this morning on the tech support line and with our IT guy trying to get it fixed. Crabby because Madeline is being really whiney this week, and she's rebelling against the transition to sippy cups only (no more bottles). Crabby because I'm due for my period in two days. Crabby because I have to pack up all of my stamping shit and it's going to take me freaking forever! Crabby because we got totally screwed by a prepayment penalty on our mortgage for the old house. Crabby because I have to bake stupid ass cut out cookies for Jenna's birthday party this weekend. Crabby because I haven't started Maddy's thank you notes from her birthday party yet. Bah. I am just crabby.

My Life is Pure Insanity

So a lot has happened in the course of a couple of weeks...

Most important thing - my brother is officially divorced from the bitch.

Weirdest thing - he's dating a new chick, she's a nurse at our doctor's office. She's got a really outgoing personality, but I think things are moving way TOO FAST.

Best thing - he got a great new job. Selling sports equipment - totally perfect for him.

Other things: I went to D.C. for three days for work and enjoyed a really great conference. Got a few offers on the house, which we are playing against each other now. The new house has flooring (carpet and wood) and it's looking really great. I had two kick-ass stamping events.

TODAY - I got the biggest placement I've ever gotten in my PR career. An article in USA Today. (I'd link to it, but you'd learn too much information about me if I did). The story went everywhere - and I am getting some great kudos here. Feels pretty good.

This Weekend - It's Maddy's first birthday tomorrow!!!!!!! I just want to cry. I cannot believe how fast this year has gone. We are having dinner tomorrow night with just the grandparents, and then the big party on Sunday. I have a million errands to run tonight, and I'm going to try to sneak out of here a little bit early, we'll see. I'll post some pictures next week. Oh yeah, because she's getting her new pictures taken tomorrow afternoon.

I took Monday off, Maddy has a dr. appointment, but I really just wanted to spend the day with her, enjoying her new toys and hanging out.

After this crazy week, I am so ready for relaxation, but with the party and all, that's definitely not happening until Monday! Bah!

Oh well, back to the grind so I can get the hell out of here.

Hardest Thing I've Ever Done...

OK, so for those of you that know me personally, you know that I've always been a bit of an over-achiever. Finishing my B.A. a whole year early, M.A. in just three semesters, the best of the best, always. I've always had this huge fear of being average.

Now, this does not pertain to my appearance in any way. I'm not one of those girls you see and think "Oh my God, I want to be her." I need to lose like 30 pounds, and when I'm not at work I'm sporting jeans and a sweatshirt.

I'm a mildly trendy girl, you know, when it comes to clothes and things, and I do pay attention to the "rules" of common fashion.

However, I have to say that I've noticed something about myself since I've joined the "working mom" club...

I used to really care about what I was wearing, all the time. What shoes I was wearing, the accessories. Everything. I bought a new pair of shoes like every other day, and I was all about my wardrobe.

I was totally focused on myself, aside from Jer, and very career-driven.

Now, Madeline has truly rocked my world. And I know this because of the evidence in my closet... I have not purchased any clothing items for myself in several weeks. The only shoes I've purchased in the last month were a pair to wear to a wedding. My wardrobe is cleanly divided into "work clothes" and "mommy clothes."

When I am not at work, I am wearing one of the three pairs of jeans that fit me and some variety of sweatshirt.

It is March, and I have not even looked at the spring fashions at the stores.

I must say though that the fashion part does not bother me in the least. Whatever. You know, when I'm out and about on the weekends, I get drooled on and milk spilled on and whatever else Maddy flings or spits my way, and I'm happy about it.

However, this work thing and switching to this "working mom" status is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. It wasn't so bad at the old job, because it was really routine and not too demanding, but this new job has really forced me to face the fact that I really can't have everything all the time.

This post is coming from the fact that I will be here today for 12 hours, and I won't get home until my baby is in bed. I'm nauseous at the thought of this. Last night, I only got to play with her for an hour. Tomorrow night, I won't see her at all either. Now, I must say that this is totally not typical, and this week is an exception and I have known this was coming for a while now; however, that does not make it any easier. I will come away from this week with a stronger hold in my career, but with a huge amount of guilt over the lack of time spent with Maddy. I know that I will be struggling with this guilt for many many years to come. That struggle is incredibly hard, and I salute each and every one of us that faces this battle every day.

I know that for me, working is not a choice. We need our income to maintain our comfortable lifestyle... Sure, we could get by on Jer's salary, but I couldn't go shopping or take Maddy everywhere on the weekends. So, that part, I recognize is a choice. However, if we were to go to a one-income household, in reality, it would more likely be Jer that stayed home. I make more money than he does, and my job/career is something we have invested more money and time into than his.

I guess, I'm just venting a little because this week is so stressful, and in two weeks I will have to leave Maddy for two whole nights and three whole days for an out of town busy trip. The guilt couldn't be any further ahead in the fight these days, but I'm trying, and I know in the end Madeline will admire me for my contributions to society and our community, and it will teach her to be a strong woman. I know that I did benefit from having a working mom, and I admire my mom for her sacrifices for our family. Those thoughts are what get me through these days.

Blogging Slacker

I know I've been a slacker lately, but things have been crazier than ever before! With the whole brother's-gone-crazy fiasco, I've been dealing with a lot of things at home, and work was completely horrible last week, and stamping has been insanely busy, and I just can't believe I have this much going on in my life! Wow.

And, as if my family needs more drama....

Saturday night, Jer's cousin that lives with his parents (it's more like his little brother, really) was in a serious car accident. A girl was killed, and another girl was life-flighted and had to have major surgery, and another boy was admitted to the hospital over night with some pretty bad injuries. Jer's cousin and his best friend (the driver) weren't hurt that bad. His friend had only had his license for like a month, and the group of them had gone out for ice cream. They were driving on this curvy back road, and he didn't swurve quite right and was going too fast. He lost control of the car, and it flipped three times. Jer's cousin is pretty beat up from the seatbelt and his neck is hurting pretty bad, but I think he's just so torn up emotionally that he doesn't know what to do or say. Poor kid.

Yeah, and then my brother moved into his own apartment over the weekend. He's living with my recently divorced uncle. It's a bit awkward for him, but he's glad to be out of my parents' hair. He's got two job interviews today. I really hope they go well. He seriously needs to get a job right away.

I think that Christopher is hanging in there, but the more I thought about it, the more I was sympathizing with him. Looking at his stuff while we unpacked over the weekend, it was like every piece of clothing and furniture and everything brought back some memory of her for me, so I can't imagine how it must be for him.

Oh yeah, and I guess she told Christopher's psychologist that she is seeing someone else. Nice. What a bitch ya know. She really ruined my brother's life, and she truly doesn't care.

Anyhow, back to work. I'll post more this week, I promise.