This time of year...

This time of year brings about so many emotions for me. With my girls, Christmas is going to be amazing this year; and I am trying so hard to introduce Maddy to traditions and all of the fun stuff associated with this time of year. However, I must say that all of this is a little shaded for me because this is also the time of year that 3 years ago I found out about the affair...

My family is BIG into Christmas. Family shopping day, decorating, baking, etc. I LOVE all of the things we do getting ready for the big day, and I really want my girls to know that. I want them to remember their mama singing Christmas songs and dancing around the kitchen with them, when they look back on their childhood Christmas memories. So, I have been busy making an idiot out of myself at home with my girls. Singing and dancing and baking and making hot cocoa.

Maddy is so excited about Christmas she can't stand it! We made "reindeer food" to sprinkle outside on Christmas Eve, and she asks every day if we can "sprinkle it all over the gas today?" She shows every single person, no matter how many times they have been over, as soon as they walk in the door, our Christmas tree. She tells them about every ornament! Friday, we went to see Santa. It was big moment for her. She was a nervous wreck about it, but Jerry calmed her down.

Miss Emma sat on his lap first and smiled huge, which put Maddy at ease. She sat right on his lap and took an amazing picture! Then, she got down and talked to him. She was so nervous, she was shaking. She told him she wanted a make-up table and a Barbie. She said Miss Emma wanted a teddy bear, and then she told him she's been a good girl and was going on the potty. It was hilarious! When we walked away, she was a different kid. Flooded with relief, she grabbed her daddy's hand and went "swooshing" her dress down the aisle in the mall.

She is very excited about getting presents. She told me the other day that "Santa will be very quiet." He won't wake her up, but she'll come downstairs and be surprised. We have to bake him cookies because he will "eat 'em all up!"

She asks me to tell Santa every time she does something good - when she goes potty, when she eats her food, when she shares with her sissy. I have to talk to the ceiling, because she knows he is watching her! Totally so much fun.

Those girls make everything incredibly fun!

Last week was really tough on me though. It was the anniversary of the night I found out about the affair. I remember every single detail of that night and the next few days after that as if it were yesterday. AND to top it all off... we have discovered that the horrible bitch is working at the mall 2 minutes down the street from my house. Yes, she has been sighted, by none other than my brother!!! He ran out of the store, and she actually sent him a text message and told him he could've at least said hi! Psycho!

Small confession: When we were at the mall visiting Santa on Friday night, I was secretly hoping we would see her. My girls were all dolled up and we were quite the happy little family, and I wish she could've seen us and knew that what she did, didn't ruin us, me or our life together. She wasn't working though.

Anyhow, this post is totally random and all over the map, and I know I haven't posted anything iN FOREVER, but things have been insanely busy at work and at home!!!

Happy Holidays to everyone!!

Baby

Yeah, in case you missed in that last post... life is about to get a whole lot more interesting in the never-ending drama that is my brother. He told us all on Friday that his girlfriend is pregnant.

I don't think I've posted very much about him and the whole psycho divorce hell scene, but I'm sure I will be using this blog as an outlet for some of things I can't ever say to him or to my family. So, let me give you the low-down...

Bro and Girlfriend met in summer of 2006 (his divorce was final in March 2006). They met at the bar below his old apartment. The first time that I met her, she walked out of my brother's room wearing his clothes and looking all disheveled. She has a daughter, who shares the same name as my oldest, who is 4 1/2.

In November last year, she bought a condo and my brother moved in with her and the girl.

Now, here we are, less than a year later, and they're having a baby. They are excited about this, and semi-planned this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet, they are not married. They have no money. They have no room for the baby in the condo. Just a couple of weeks ago, my brother had to take his dog to the vet, and he had to borrow money from my mom to do that!!!! Agh.

I don't know where to start, but I also cannot begin to tell you how completely in awe I am of my mother. She is completely calm about the whole situation. She claims she saw it coming. I also think she's just going with the flow, because she can't really say anything seeing as she got pregnant with me when she was 14 - not exactly the ideal situation either.

We all know he will be a great dad; however, I have seen this chick in mommy-action and it is not exactly a pretty scene. We'll see how this all goes down. I'll be posting more often, I'm sure of it.

Catching Up.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything or read any other blogs. Life is just so crazy. Actually, it has been so crazy that I wound up in the ER on Thursday because I had a migraine so bad that I couldn't see straight and my hands were going numb. Diagnosis: Too much stress. I can't imagine why or where all this tension is coming from? Could it be because last week at work I was dealing with an abandoned baby and a school shooting? Or that I had my stamp club to get ready for? Or that I decided I also needed to throw in reorganizing my stamp room and creating a special art board for Maddy on top of my regular duties in the same week? Or maybe it is because my mom lost her job and got a new one, but now won't be keeping my girls on Thursday nights anymore? Or maybe it is because I found out my brother's girlfriend is pregnant and my whole family is asking me how I feel about it? Or maybe it's because my baby girl cut two teeth in one week? Or perhaps it is that my oldest daughter is taking giant steps backwards in the potty training debacle? Ha! I don't know why on earth I can be stressed?

Well, it took two different doses of IV pain meds to get rid of the headache. I had a CT scan and an EKG, but all was normal. I took off work on Friday, but ended up doing work anyhow because you know Congress votes this week to try to override the President's veto of the SCHIP bill and an editorial in the newspaper is exactly what will help put the pressure on!

I know I'm stressed, and I know my body can't handle it all on this never-ending path of insanity, but I also don't know how or when or what to do about it. I know somewhere something's gotta give, but right now, I just don't know what that is... My instincts are stamping and some of the social commitments, but I don't want to lose that either because those are things I do for myself and for fun and creative time. I think I just have to try to survive for a while, at least until I get through the next few years of toddlerhood with the girls!! I'm just hoping I can keep the migraines managable until then!

Moments...

So, I had to be at work today at 4:30 in the morning. No biggie, until Miss Emma wakes up at 2 a.m.! Now, she has been sleeping through the night since she was 3 weeks old, and she picks last night to wake up with the sniffles/a cold. I was huffy and puffy climbing out of bed to go get her, but it was so bizarre because the very second I had her in my arms all of that stress/anger just melted away. She's the sweetest little thing and she loves her mommy, and she melts my heart.

Went to bed early last night (to prepare for my early rise today), and putting Maddy to bed early is a challenge. She's a chatty Cathy... Anyhow, we read some books and then she says, "Mom, cuddle me. I love you soooo much!" Doesn't get any better than that!

I had to be at work early because we are in the middle of our annual Radiothon (Clevelanders - tune in to Mix 106.5 FM). It's my job to find the "miracle stories" we record and put to music. Listening to the stories brings tears to my eyes every single time, but this morning, one of the moms called in after her story aired and the person who answered in the phone bank said that this mom was asking for me. I got on the phone, and she's teary and says, "thank you so much for letting us be a part of this!" Wow. I love my job.

STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Oh my gosh. I don't think I have ever been more stressed out about work than I have been this week. Things are ABSOLUTELY INSANE. First of all, most of you probably heard that my place of employment has decided not to separate those conjoined twins that have been my life for the past 8 months. Yeah, that press conference on Monday was absolute hell, and it all happened under the mastery of our new SVP (a.k.a. new boss was watching us all under fire).

The good thing is that I came out on top and the new boss is loving my work, which is a good thing. But it is also meaning upping the anty and increasing expectations and MORE work! Crazy!!!

Last night, Jerry was all hot and bothered and I was having none of it because I just could NOT relax. I was so tense and crabby and I just wanted to sleep. I'm not his favorite person today :)

Oh yeah, big night tonight for Maddy.... High School Musical 2 party!!! Woo-hoo. Fun times. We have a few kid coming over to watch the movie with her, and she's got a new T-shirt and stuff (yes, the girl is only 2!). She loves it though, and I am honestly looking forward to it myself. I can honestly recite every word of the first one because we have watched it so much!

My life summarized in a brief moment...

Last night, I was carrying Emma upstairs to get her jammies on and get her ready for bed, when she gets all fussy and wants her night time bottle. So, I get her jammies on, lay her in the crib and run down to make a bottle. On the way back up to screaming baby, Madeline clings to my leg (wearing nothing but a diaper) and says, "Mommy, I want jammies too." When I am about 3/4 of the way up the steps, my cell phone is ringing and it's work...

At this moment, I realize, "Wow, this is my life totally encapsulated in one moment." This whole time, my husband was on the couch watching ESPN. He. never. moved.

I was trying to feed Emma said bottle and get her to sleep and Maddy still wants her jammies on, but now she is dancing around Emma's room holding her purse and saying "Momma, dance wif me." I somehow manage to get Emma to sleep, Maddy in a clean diaper and jammies and scarf down some dinner when my husband finally looks up at me and says, "You finally got to eat, huh?"

Wow. How nice of him. Oh yeah, before that he did yell up when my cell phone was ringing to tell me that it was my boss.

If anyone ever asked him about this moment and why he wasn't helping me upstairs that whole time, he would tell you it is because he had the girls all day, which is total BS because they were at his mom's and his grandma's house yesterday which means he didn't have to do shit with them! Seriously, nice.

Why is it that moms always have to do everything?

Can you ever really have it all?

So, a while ago my mom bought me this T-shirt that says, "This Mom has it all." And when she gave it to me, she said, I'm always in such awe of all the things you juggle and how you manage all the different parts of your life so well. And, I laughed out loud.

I guess I've spent my whole life believing that I could have it all - a great career, a family, good friends, etc. But now that a lot of those things are reality, I think my belief is that you can have a "little bit" of it all, but you can never really fully embarass it all at the same time.

What I mean is that I truly love my job and what I do, and I'm on a great career path here, but when I stop and think about what I give up to have that... time with my girls, constantly checking my blackberry even when I'm spending time with my girls, time to talk and catch up with my friends and enjoying more time on hobbies... I realize that when things are going really great at work, and I'm flying high, it usually means that I've been so wrapped up in work that I haven't been home with the girls as much or that I haven't spent any time with my husband. A couple of weeks ago, I was in the hot tub with Jer, and he said we can talk about whatever you want, but I DON'T want to hear anything about work. I stopped and had nothing really to talk about... And, when I'm really focused on things happening with my family (like last week when Emma had her 4 month well visit and we took Maddy to Kalahari), I missed time at work and was freaking out about messages I was getting and who would need me when I wasn't here...

So, I guess when I heard my mom say that I juggle it all so well, I realized that she has no idea how hard it really is for me and that I feel like I'm failing at the balancing act miserably!

I think things are on track with everything today, and I feel very blessed to have all the things and people I have in my life. I just wonder if these constant internal battle will ever end?

There is a constant guilty conscience-type feeling that I think all working moms have, and I'd love to know how other moms handle it, especially those with jobs that require a lot of off-hour work/access??

So Different the Second Time

I'm back! Took a nice break from the computer and "professional" life, and spent some quality time with my girls. My maternity leave absolutely flew by, and now I'm back to the grind.

It is absolutely amazing to me how different it is the second time around... there were no tears this time. I didn't have the fears this time. I just miss the girls like crazy! No crazy MIL issues. I went back and re-read some of my posts from when I went back to work after Maddy, and I just think it's funny how everything was such a big deal with her.

Emma is a wonderful baby. She has been sleeping through the night since she was 3 weeks old. I adore her. She's so relaxed and smiley, and she's totally a mama's girl. She's beautiful, and in a totally different way than her sister. And I really enjoy her because I'm not caught up in all the little things and details like I was with Maddy. Everything doesn't have to be perfect and every outfit doesn't have to stay clean. She's a baby, and her 2 year old sister wants to kiss her when she's got sucker-sticky lips. It's ok.

I love the mom I have become vs. the mom I was back then, and I'm proud of how far I've come and how much I have grown up in these couple of years.

A 2 year old and a 2 week old...

Wow. Never in a million years was I prepared for how much work this was going to be right off the bat! Emma is a great baby, content and incredibly easy; however, when you combine the continuous 2 hour cycles of a newborn (bottles, diapers and constantly rocking/holding) with the immense energy of a crazy two-year-old toddler, it is quite a ride. Maddy is absolutely amazing with the baby. Completely doting big sister. Whenever, wherever she is, whatever she is doing, if Emma makes a peep - Maddy comes running. She is by my side every diaper change, every feeding, every bath. She is a little mama... too cute. Things have been managable because Jer has been off work and has been a huge help. Monday he goes back to work, and it will be my first real day on my own. I'm a little nervous, mostly about getting Maddy to take a nap. She fights it, and Jer always puts her down, and I'm not sure how that is going to work if Emma is not already sleeping.

Maddy is napping now. Emma is asleep in the Boppy pillow. Peace for the moment.

We are actually getting out of the house tonight. Maddy is staying with my parents and we are dropping Emma off with MIL for a couple of hours to go to a party with some friends. I feel slightly guilty, until I think about what lies ahead next week, and I think I will be grateful that I'm taking a little break tonight.

Oh well, I have a million things I would like to get done during this quiet spell!

Emma

Emma Grace arrived on Wednesday, April 4th at 7:15 a.m. and weighed 8 pounds 1 1/2 ounces and was 20 inches long.

So Tired

I am so tired today and my back is hurting really bad. I have this awful pain in my hip, and I just want to crawl back into my bed. Unfortunately, I am still working through tomorrow. 6 more days until my c-section...

I went to the doctor this morning. Everything is fine and normal and on track.

My body is just screaming at me to rest, and I can't... it sucks.

Never in a Million Years

Friday is my last day of work before I officially go on maternity leave. Now, most pregnant women cannot wait to go on leave and are all excited about the break and the impending arrival of the new baby, right? Yeah, well that excitement is only about 20% of what I'm feeling these days. The other 80% of me is disappointed to be leaving work right now. That's crazy right? Well, it's not if your work situation is currently at a point that is career-making and a scenario that someone in your profession could only dream about... And, that is what I'm faced with.

I must tell you, seriously, I really love my job. I could not ever find a more perfect job for me at a more perfect place in this area of the country - no joke. So, when you combine the perfect job with a dream case scenario, it makes it incredibly hard to leave, even just for a short time.

You see, I am the media relations manager for a children's hospital AND next week, we have conjoined twins arriving to undergo a separation attempt.

I talked to a producer at The Today Show this morning!! I will be working with 20/20, and possibly every major network news show in the country and networks around the world! It's absolutely incredible!

The bad news is that I'll miss a little bit of the beginning and the first surgery.

The good news is that I'll be back for the second surgery and the entire rest of the process (which will actually last more than a year!).

Never in a million years did I think I would feel disappointed about going on maternity leave!!!

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm excited about the baby, and I know the minute she is in my arms, I will NOT be thinking about work until the minute I have to come back, but for now, my head is torn :)

The Little Gym

I've been meaning to post about this for some time, but life has just been so crazy that I haven't had a whole lot of time for posting...

Anyhow, when my mom has Maddy every Friday, she takes her to a class at The Little Gym. Every once in a while, she gets to take a make-up class or a re-scheduled class in the evening, and when she does, Jerry and I like to go to watch. Last night was one of those re-scheduled classes.

Watching Maddy in this environment gives such insight into her little personality. It absolutely fascinates me, especially because the more I see her, the more I see exactly how much she is just like her mama.

Maddy gets irritated if things are moving too slowly or if other kids are taking too long with things. When this happens, she walks away from the circle/activity and goes to do her own thing, usually something a little more advanced or challenging than what the group is doing. For example, instead of sitting and singing a song, Maddy is off on the side hanging from the parallel bars or walking across the balance beam. I love the way The Little Gym handles these things, they encourage you to just let the kids wander, but the adults always stick to the class activity, because eventually they will come back. She knows the whole routine of the class, and is the first one at the teacher's side to start the next activity and/or to help clean-up. She loves her teacher, and she is very eager to please her. Maddy likes to interact with other kids, but she hesitates a little at first, but once she's over the initial shyness, she is laughing and playing. She has friends in her class, Shelby and Jules. She always tells me about them, so it was cute to see them in person. I really think that Maddy will enjoy the classes as she gets older too, and she's on her own without my mom or us there. She's already so independent. Totally cracks me up.

After gym class last night, we went out to dinner with my parents and then Maddy went home with them. Madeline could not wait for that check to come. She was telling my mom to "huryup" because she wanted to go home. She knew grandma had a "prwize" for her. "C'mon guys, huryup, home, prwize." So funny. She looked right at Jerry and I and said, "bye. tomorrow" and blew us kisses across the table. She was totally ready for her time at grandma's house. I am really glad that she's like that - she enjoys her time away from us, and she looks at things with excitement, rather than with fear or hesitation.

We have her 2nd birthday party on Sunday. I cannot believe she is going to be 2 years old already! Time really does fly by. She is very excited about her Elmo party, and she knows that she is going to get presents and that people are going to sing happy birthday to her. I think she is the most excited that "Oscar" is coming to her party, which is my MIL's dog :) Maddy adores that little guy, and he's old and lazy and it's not a big deal to have him there, so MIL agreed to bring him when Maddy told her to. Maddy is totally going to get spoiled rotten by everyone, but she's so good about her "tankew" and she generally does appreciate things. She will be running around giving out hugs and kisses, because that is just how she is.

On a really annoying note, Jenna's birthday party is scheduled for the day I am supposed to come home from the hospital. I definitely will not be attending. Jerry might go with Maddy, and my mom will probably stay with me and the baby.

I'm already getting bothered by scenarios I can see happening while I'm in the hospital. There are certain members of Jerry's family that I absolutely DO NOT WANT to come and visit. They didn't visit with Maddy, but I have this odd feeling they may this time, and I will be really unhappy if they do. I'm also going to be annoyed if certain people in my family bring all of their children to see us. They did last time, and one of them had muddy boots on and got dirt all over the hospital room floor, which ultimately ended up on my feet and in my bed. Ugh. This time around I feel so different about everything, because this is not the first grandchild for anyone, and I just want things to be low-key and a lot less stressful then they were with Maddy. With both of us having big families, things quickly get out of hand, and since this one is scheduled they have had too much time to plan their visiting... it makes me nervous.

2 Weeks

I am scheduled for my c-section two weeks from today. I can't believe it is that close already! This pregnancy has really gone by so fast.

We are scheduled for 6:45 a.m., and have to be at the hospital at 5:15 a.m. Maddy will be spending the night with my sister-in-law the night before. I do not think she is going to handle the whole hospital situation very well... She freaked out when we took her to a doctor's appointment with me, crying when they took my blood pressure, because she thinks it hurts me. Then last weekend, my aunt did a cast of my belly for me, and Maddy cried then and told my aunt to "stop it." We'll see how she does... I also think she is going to have issues with other people holding the baby. She gets upset if anyone touches my belly now and says, "no, mine." If you ask her (like my mom of MIL do) if you can hold the baby when it comes out, she says, "no, Maddy." Like only Maddy can hold the baby. I think we are in for an interesting journey.

Speaking of Maddy, she got her first haircut last night. She was asleep for most of it, but was adorable when she woke up. She told my hairdresser, "Tank ooh" and gave her a hug. Too cute.

Work is totally INSANE!!! I cannot wait until next Friday!!!! I am so exhausted, and I have been working crazy hours and am just really stressed out. For those of you that have access to Sunday's Plain Dealer will know this weekend exactly why things have been completely crazy for me. Stay tuned.

Viscious Cycle of Sickness Hell

WARNING: This post may contain graphic descriptions that may unsuitable for some audiences...

So, today is my first day back to work since last Tuesday. Why? Well, let's just say that a particularly common problem during pregnancy rared its big ugly head and wreaked hell on my body and soul.

You see, last Monday/Tuesday, I was having the normal constipation issues associated with pregnancy and mild/controllable hemorrhoids. No big deal. Tuesday night, we went out to dinner and I got a dish that I normally do, that I know sometimes upsets my stomach, but I thought with the constipation issue at hand this might be a good thing. WRONG. Oh so wrong. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning around 4:00 a.m., I wake up with explosive, gut-wrenching diarrhea. Several times. Then, around 7:00 a.m., I realize that I can no longer walk, sit, stand or move at all without an absolutely horrendous pain in my ass - ah yes, folks, those totally normal/controllable hemorrhoids turned into the absolute nightmare from hell. And I tried EVERYTHING to get some relief.

I began a continuous rotation of sitz baths, ice packs, creams, suppositories, Tucks pads, Dermaplast spray, medicated wipes, regular baths, showers,laying down, standing up, sitting, the donut pillow and anything else that could possibly come to mind. On Thursday, the doctor called me in a prescription, which two days later finally helped, but on Friday, I was on the phone with the doctor again in tears. And, he basically told me there wasn't anything more he could do, but if I wasn't any better by Monday (today) that he would refer me to a surgeon!!!!!

So, he basically put me on bed rest for the entire weekend and told me to continue using the prescription cream.

I followed the doctor's orders. Fortunately, the hemorrhoids did get better, but unfortunately, the stomach bug/diarrhea continued. I was up every two hours on Saturday night. I really didn't feel good or at all like eating until dinner time last night.

So, today, here I am. Back at work. Sitting on the donut pillow. Minor hemorrhoid discomfort. No more diarrhea. Thank God. I cried and prayed so hard for days that this would all go away. I have never felt so helpless and in pain EVER. I mean any other time I've had something majorly wrong that was causing pain, at least medication helped. This was terrible.

In the middle of all of this, we took Maddy to see Sesame Street Live on Saturday night (I made it through the performance alright, but couldn't eat any dinner afterwards when we all went out.) She loved it!!! Absolutely wonderful. She was just too darn cute.

Anyhow, I hope your week/weekend was better then mine!

Nice Surprise

On Sunday, my mom and my best friend held a surprise shower/pampering party for me. It was so wonderful, I can't even put it into words. It was exactly what I needed to get me through these last 6 weeks. I had absolutely no hint or inkling about anything at all... Jerry was in on the whole thing too.

My best friend lives in Columbus, and I hadn't seen her since July. She came up and brought her mom with her, which was a really nice surprise. It made me cry.

The party was small, just a few close friends and family, but totally perfect. It was at my house, and they had all kinds of yummy foods and desserts. All the ladies painted onesies for baby Emma, and we played some games. They brought gifts, but mostly "pampering" type stuff for me. I got a gift certificate for a spa pedicure, a pregnancy message, my hair salon, The Body Shop, some new pajamas and bath and body stuff. My mom bought me an outfit to wear home from the hospital. I got a new robe and some candles. Flowers. A couple of things for the baby - my dad painted a toy box for Emma like the one he had done for Maddy, and I got a lot of diapers. The whole thing was just so nice. Big heap of thanks to all involved.

Officially Miserable

I have entered the final phase of the pregnancy. We are a day shy of 33 weeks now, and I must tell you that I am officially miserable. My back is killing me all the time. I have constant heartburn. Hemmoroids. Can't sleep. Peeing every 30 seconds. Absolutely exhausted. Swollen ankles. Blah.

Don't mistake this for complaining - I'm not. I'm thrilled to be having this baby, and baby Emma is going to be an amazing addition to our family. I am just telling you that I am experiencing some really uncomfortable effects of pregnancy now.

It is a struggle to put on my socks everyday. I attempted to shave my legs last night, and I think I might've pulled something somewhere in the effort. I no longer wear shoes that require me to tie them or buckle them or anything that cannot simply be "slipped" on. I haven't been able to wear my wedding rings since just after Christmas.

Yes people, the reality is, I have once again turned into the weeble wabble short VERY pregnant lady. I am extremely grateful to the parking garage gods here at the hospital that now allow me to park in the visitor garage, and to the people that invented those heat-in-the-microwave rice thingys that are oh so wonderful for back pain.

OK. That's enough. I need to suck it up and get back to work. TGIF. I don't think my hips could stand another day this week of sitting in this chair!

I'm taking the day off on Monday because Maddy's bedroom furniture is FINALLY being delivered!!!! Yeah!!! I can actually get something done in the nursery and get all the girls' clothes situated and organized. Looking forward to a day of "nesting."

Have a good weekend!

Was it really Valentine's Day?

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, right? I don't think the holiday made the radar in our house... Jerry, Maddy and I were all home all day because of the unbelievable snow we had gotten. We couldn't see the street or the pond behind the house or anything. There were drifts taller than me on our deck. Crazy. So, anyhow, it was a snow day. We spent most of the day lounging around at home in our sweatpants and watching Maddy's favorite movies. I attempted to have Maddy stamp some Valentine's Day cards with me, but she wasn't all that interested. We did make one for daddy from his girls, which was cute, but that was the only acknowledgement of the holiday we made all day. We left home around 3:30 to go over to my mom's to do our taxes... fun. Seriously, that is how we spent the heart-filled, romantic holiday... watching High School Musical three times and doing taxes. Life sure does change when you've been married for five years and have a toddler and another baby on the way... somehow hearts and chocolates just aren't that relevant, because I don't think I would've really wanted to spend the day any other way.

Maybe tonight will be more like Valentine's Day for us... my mom is keeping Maddy tonight... Although what I would really like to do is get all my stuff prepared for the three stamping functions I have next week!!

New Office Neighbor

I have a new office neighbor. This girl that I totally can't stand. She sucks at her job, but they won't fire her because of who her father is... She has this totally annoying snorty laugh that absolutely drives me crazy. And the work she is responsible for is so totally ridiculous and I cannot believe it is a full-time job. Whatever. Ugh. She moved in yesterday...

Official Name Change

The new baby's name is now going to be Emma Alexandra, instead of Tess. Jerry really wanted it to be Emma, and I was on the fence, but Maddy insisted on Tess until a few days ago. Now, she runs around talking about Emma and shows me Emma's room and gives my belly (Emma) kisses. So, she made the decision for us.

Emma is my great-grandmother's name, which makes me really glad to do this in her honor.

Madeline and Emma, my girls. I really like the names together. Both old-fashioned names.

So, baby Emma is scheduled to arrive on April 4th. Only a few weeks left!! But, oh my goodness, so much to do to get everything ready!

Totally Amazing

In light of my previous post, I just wanted to share a little bit about my mom...

My mom got pregnant with me when she was 14 years old. She married my dad when she was 14 years old (he was 18 at the time). She turned 15 only 9 days before I was born. She is still married to my dad - 28 years later.

Here are the snippets of what I remember about my mom's career:

When I was 3 years old, we lived in an apartment across the street from a shopping plaza. My mom didn't have her driver's license yet. She worked at a restaurant in the shopping plaza called "Duff's." My dad worked 3rd shift at a tool & die shop somewhere. She would pick up extra shifts at the restaurant whenever she could, so that we could get Christmas gifts and have birthday parties. She would walk to and from work.

When I was five years old, we moved into a house that we rented. I thought that house was HUGE after living an apartment for so long. (I have seen it in recent years, and it is actually an incredibly tiny house, but things are so different in the eyes of a child). My mom worked at the perfume counter in a department store near our house. She had her driver's license then, but we only had one car and my dad needed it because he was going to school during the day and working nights. So, she would take the bus to work.

When I was six, we moved into a town house. My dad had gotten a little bit better job after completing some of his schooling, and he entered an apprenticeship program. We moved further away from my grandparents though, so my mom didn't work for a couple of years to stay home with my brother and to be home when I got home from school. However, to get some extra money, mom baby-sat two neighbor kids every day. At this point, she went back to school to get her GED and my aunt would baby-sit us a couple nights a week for her to be able to do this. Sometime between the time I was 6 and 8, we did end up getting a second car.

When I was 8, and my brother was in school full-time, my mom went back to work. She did some kind of bookkeeping. We had a babysitter in the neighborhood after school.

When I was 9, we moved again. We bought our own house, back near our family. It was the first time I ever had a backyard. My mom got a job as a secretary for a body shop, answering phones and doing bookkeeping. My mom would drop us off at my grandma's house in the morning before school, and then go to work. My grandma would feed us breakfast and drive us to school. This was the year that we started to be home alone for about 2 hours each day after school. A couple of months later, my mom left the body shop and went to work in the bookkeeping department at a car dealer. Our routine stayed the same. My parents just moved out of that house 3 years ago.

Then, my mom went back to school to get her real estate license. She sold real estate when I was in the sixth and seventh grade. She worked her ass off, but didn't make a whole lot of money. She eventually gave it up and went back to work when I was in eighth grade. She went to work for the same company she works for now. She has changed her position there several times and went back to school for additional accounting classes, and basically now, she is their accounting department by herself.

My mom doesn't have a college degree, and both my brother and I make more money than she does. My dad eventually finished all of his schooling and everything, and he's now a project engineer for an international metal forming company.

I remember that my mom NEVER missed a sporting event or a school concert or play. We always ate a hot meal, and had pizza only on Friday's.

I still call my mom everyday at work just to say hi.

She sent me a card every single day that I was away at college.

She's 42 years old, and she's a grandma, and she's a totally amazing grandma.

She gave up so much for us, and gave so much of herself for us, and she still continues to give.

I am in awe of her. And even though I have gone on to do so many of things she wished that she could have, she is still my hero. And I totally understand why she gets her satisfaction from, and has lived her dreams through us.

I always swore I would never do this...

As a girl who grew up with mom that always worked some job or another, I witnessed something that I swore would never happen to me! My mom would get up in the morning with us and make sure we had breakfast and that my hair was fixed and that we were dressed and had lunches to take to school and that we didn't forget our homework. She would also manage during that time to get herself dressed and ready for work. She would either drive us to school or drop us off at the bus stop, and head off to her job. We would usually get home from school before my mom would get home from work, so we would call her as soon as we set foot in the house and she would give me instructions for starting dinner (usually something of the frozen variety or something very easy for me to do), and then she would get home just in time to throw it all together and finish it up for us to eat. She would then clean up the dishes, and throw in a load or two of laundry, and get us all showered/bathed, make sure we did our homework, pack lunches for the next day, etc.

Now, I did not have a SINGLE mother. I had a WORKING mother. My dad ate those meals and enjoyed his clean clothes and used some of those dishes too. Granted, he did work longer hours than my mom, but my mom still worked too.

As a little girl, I didn't really notice the one-sided work load at home, but the older I got, the more I noticed, especially when my mom started pawning off some of those household tasks to me. I swore I would never be "one of those moms" who did everything while her husband just worked and came home to relax.

Now, I must also confess that I know that my dad did a lot of the outside work and home repair stuff, but most of it wasn't done until my mom pestered him enough to go do it.

However, as I am settling more and more into this "motherhood" role and have now been a wife for nearly five years, I can see exactly why my mom never complained about doing all of these things around the house.

I have noticed lately that I am the one cooking dinner and doing the dishes every night. Packing Maddy's clothes to take to Jerry's mom's house during the week. Doing all the laundry (except for Jerry's clothes -hard and fast rule that he does his own to avoid arguments). Giving her a bath. Cleaning up the toys. Keeping our calendar of social activities in line and making sure we are all where we need to be when we need to be there.

I am not complaining that I do these things, which is the weird part. If anyone has known me for any amount of time, you will know that for all of my young adult life I despised cooking and cleaning, and would often live in a very MESSY state before I would do anything about it. I have always been more about my clothes and my career than I have ever been about a household... until now.

I don't know if it is the idea that I have another child on the way, and I am now shifting into a mode where motherhood will be an even bigger part of who I am or if it is merely just part of growing up... but it is weird. I find myself enjoying cooking, and I don't mind doing the dishes or laundry, because it makes things nice and enjoyable for my family.

Jerry does do a lot at home too. I have to give him credit. He does do things now and then that I am surprised and appreciative of; however, there are stupid little things that I will never understand the logic as to why he does NOT do them... Like putting new garbage bags in the garbage cans. He will always take out the full trash bags and take them out to the garage. He will NEVER EVER put new bags in. I always go to throw something away and find the exposed can and have to put the new bags in...

I must also tell you that I definitely DO NOT have it as bad as my mom did. My mom also handles all of their financial stuff (she is an accountant afterall), and so she did all the bills and everything too. And, every Saturday, like clockwork, she did the weekly cleaning (dusting, vaccuuming, etc.) I, on the otherhand, do NOT touch our financial crap. Jerry handles all of that. I also do NOT do the routine cleaning stuff. If you can believe this, I actually pay my mother to come do it twice a month! (I was going to hire a cleaning service to do this, but my mom offered and wanted the extra money when she dropped down to working four days a week.) Ironically, she uses the money for her day off with Maddy and spends it all and more on her spoiled rotten granddaughter, so it really does work out well and doesn't feel like my mom is my maid or anything...

And before anyone gets too judgmental here, I must also tell you that I do make signficantly more money than my husband and I do work a lot more hours than he does. AND, our house is a far cry from the 3 bedroom tiny ranch that I grew up in and watched my mom miticulously scour and clean. So, there are certain things I really just do not want to do because it would mean giving up even more time with my daughter than I already do...

I just have noticed lately how much little domestic things that used to totally repulse me, have actually become enjoyable and meaningful. I understand why my mom just did it all and never once complained. I have a whole new perspective and appreciation for all the things my mom has done and still does for me, and I understand why the huge sacrifices she made for us didn't seem so huge to her.

Second Pregnancy Depression

On and off since Thanksgiving, I have been having these little bouts of depression. I get into a funk and just cry for no reason and feel really sad. I have stupid thoughts about whether or not Jer still loves me or whether or not I'm a good enough mom to Maddy and whether or not I'm going to be able to be a good mom to two girls. I've actually stayed home from work twice because of these stupid feelings, and yesterday was one of those days. I just felt like I was in a fog - tired and weepy and weird. I don't know why these feelings come about, but even just thinking about having those thoughts makes me cry.

I was talking to my mom about this and she said she went through it with her second pregnancy too. She said it is probably because it is not as big a deal as it was the first time around. The whole world isn't revolving around the pregnancy - Jer and I aren't out shopping for baby things every spare minute, and there's no shower, and I have to worry about and focus on Madeline as well, so my whole world isn't revolving around this baby either. She also pointed out to me that I'm really tired and not getting enough rest because I have to take care of Maddy, which means naps and extra sleep just aren't an option.

So, my mom is keeping Maddy Thursday and Friday nights, and I am going to have dinner with Jerry and work on getting caught up on Maddy's scrapbook. I think this will make me feel better.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, and I'm going to ask him if these feelings are normal, because they really make me unhappy and I also get really crabby and am not so nice to Jer and I get really impatient with Maddy. The thing is, I see myself doing it and feel it, but I don't know why I can't stop acting and thinking like a sappy, crying disaster of a woman.

Happy New Year!

I'm back at work and into the swing of things. Today I am so tired! I could totally pass out at my desk, but the baby is awake and kicking like crazy.

New Year's Eve was pretty much a bust - not at all waht I was anticipating. Jerry and I ended up in a huge fight, and the year was off to a fabulous start!

We went to Jerry's sister's house for what was supposed to be a "low key, kid-friendly" party, and walked into a house full of 30 people with like 3 little kids upstairs and an adult party going on in the basement. Jer's sister pretty much dumped my niece off on my MIL and Jer's grandma, which meant that I spent the entire evening upstairs with Maddy and them, while Jerry played cards with the guys and everyone else played drinking games. Then, at 10:30 MIL decides to go home and she takes Jenna with her, which leaves Maddy wandering around looking for her and crying for an hour. And of course, we can't leave because Jerry is winning at cards. So, for an hour and a half I entertained a very tired and crabby Madeline and grew angrier by the minute. I was exhausted myself and SO READY TO LEAVE.

So, when Jerry came upstairs at 11:45 and said he was going to warm up the car, I was thrilled... until he took Maddy downstairs and disappeared until after midnight. I sat on the stairs ready to pass out and totally pissed off. He came upstairs totally mad at me for not coming downstairs with everyone for the big midnight hoop-la... I told him it was hot and smelly down there and I had no interest in being down there while everyone screamed, and he told me that I wasn't being a good mom! Ha!!! As if... I spent the entire night with Maddy while he played cards. I was so pissed at him, and he was really mad at me. We didn't speak the entire way home, and when we got home, he slept with Madeline.

Oh, and did I mention that New Year's Day is Jer's birthday? Yeah, I threw his card in the trash... I spent the first hour we were home in tears, and I actually packed a suitcase to go to my mom's but ultimately couldn't leave Maddy... So, eventually I realized the whole thing was really stupid and I went to bed. We woke up, Jerry eventually did come to our bed, and we were fine and laughed at how dumb the whole thing was...

He totally understood my feelings about the evening, and I apologized for not kissing him at midnight, and all is well with the world.

New Year's Day was better. We did celebrate his birthday with his family, and Madeline LOVED helping daddy with his birthday cake. I was on-call for work though, and I got paged seriously 25 times during dinner... nuts. The holidays are anything but quiet at a hospital!

Anyhow, hope you all had a better New Year's Eve than I did!